Time seem to slip away and it is now the end of July. I did not visit my blog on purpose as I was still in the same circle, writing about the same things and feeling the same feelings. I am going no where. Lucky for me, I stumbled upon a rather laid back song with very sedentary lyrics and it was just what I needed in the daily hustle and bustle of life. Lily William's July (later on) is an easy going, cheerful and simple song that have helped me to be less judgmental of myself. Of course it is not sufficient for me to forgive myself yet but I will eventually get there someday.
I still do the things I love to do and accepted that there are things that will haunt me but I will just have to learn to live with the things I am not proud of. There are good days and bad days but I trust time could erase certain feelings as time is the best healer, and with time I might be able to forget. Well, I can only hope because until this day I still have the phone number of the person who introduced me to depression. No, his phone number is not in my address book but consolidate into my memory - an unnecessary memory and I should overwrite it. Talk about procrastination, it's been a decade - maybe I would eventually need to visit a clinical hypnotherapist. I shall put this into consideration.
Despite not being so thrilled about matters relating to the heart, I am quite drawn with the creations of Rumi. I often thought Rumi only writes religious related stuff but he actually writes beautiful poetry related to Love. Through his works I realize whatever I am feeling have been felt by countless people and also people from centuries ago. Do the math, Rumi was born on 30th September 1207 according to Wikipedia (the number 30 again - I just love to associate numbers and things don't I?) so whatever he wrote back then and now didn't change in terms of applicability. I could identify with his following piece which I am going to quote word by word here.
"I choose to love you in silence
For in silence I find no rejection.
I choose to love you in loneliness
For in loneliness no one owns you but me,
I choose to adore you from a distance
For distance will shield me from pain,
I choose to kiss you in the wind
For the wind is gentler than my lips,
I choose to hold you in my dreams
For in my dreams, you have no end." - Rumi
At least if I had done what was narrated by Rumi from the start it would have remained as a thought, an intrinsic idea of love, maintaining the proprietary of my feelings. I am aware that I am no longer a naïve teenager, I am conscious of my actions and it scares me that I had allowed myself to immerse in wrongful doings consciously. I wonder, is this the same psychology criminals have when they are committing crimes? I think as long as a person is sane, he should know what he is doing therefore there should be no excuses for consciously engaging in wrong doings.
I know I still think about the same things repeatedly and inadvertently attracting things that reminds me of him. I should just learn to dissociate things because it have become quite unhealthy. Looking at photography of fireworks rehearsal for Singapore's national day, catching a glimpse of the word "NTUC" on one of the photographs on social media, hearing certain words and doing certain things just reminds me of him. The hard part is that I broke my own heart from my own doings and my partner tries his best to mend the pieces. I am just a selfish person.
I think that's enough. I am being hard on myself again.
Thank You July.
Comments