I am not sure why but somehow my heart still ache at the thought of not being able to reconnect with a person I cared for. I kept telling myself "hey its okay to have lost a friend and it is not like it is the first time". I think back of the times in primary school where I had to say goodbye to a friend because she moved away and other than remembering the gift I gave her which comprised of 3 statues of the 3 star Gods which represents fortune, prosperity and longevity and it does bothers me that I can't remember her name. I think I must be in primary 2 or 3 when she moved away and I cannot remember a lot of memories with her but I just recalled she is nice to talk to and have a calm demeanor. I'm not sure can I still look at past year books to find her and sometimes I even asked myself did I messed my memory up and she never existed? I have been looking for her in my mind's storage for a long long time but I doubt the image of her in my mind's eye. What I can recall is she is a girl with short hair, a little of the boyish nature most of us girls experience when we grow up. I was definitely a "tomboy" growing up, refusing to wear skirts and think it is yucky to like boys and have sworn never to get married. Perhaps the next time I go back to my hometown, I will visit my primary school and see if there's anything I could contribute and at the same time do some searches to at least find her name.
I wonder if someday I am going to forget the person who I seem to constantly remember without trying. My best friend said we often think the best things are things which we could not possess. I do agree but I did not mean to possess him as he is not a thing, I am just missing someone who was like a reflection of me. I think one of the main reason for missing a person so much is when I have spent a significant amount of time with a person. Time is a gift you can give to others without ever taking it back and it is really precious and meaningful. Today a stranger indirectly gave me the gift of time, it probably save me an extra 10 minutes but still it was thoughtful. I was queuing to purchase a tray of eggs and everyone else seems to have large shopping carts with a lot of items which reminded me a little of the panic buying scene during disasters. I was looking for the under 10 items lane but there's none and out of my expectation, the person ahead of me offered to exchange places with me. I have been staying in this place for 10 months now and sometimes I find this place to lack kindness but today with one simple gesture from the person warmed my heart and made me smile continuously.
I am also glad that in the evening I manage to pay forward the kindness that was shown to me. I did it unintentionally as I was struggling with my E-wallet reload and I asked the cashier if the person behind me could proceed for payment first and I am so glad the cashier said "yes" as I was already feeling a little flustered with the E-wallet reload. I find having too many payment methods can be confusing at times and wish there could be just one universal payment method so to prevent having too many apps and wallets. Anyway today and most of my post call day I find my mind keep revolving around the person I miss and it made me wonder does a tired mind goes into the "I miss you" mode? Also with other friends I lost along the way due to lack of advanced communication tools or had naturally grow apart from each other, I still have the option to reach out to them but I don’t want to. Yes, this was the difference and I think this is how people who have lost their loved ones for eternity feels. I can only guess how it feel as I never lost someone whom I truly care, not even my paternal grandma. Although I felt sad at her departure and miss her cooking, perhaps because we have some language barrier I don't miss her in a great intensity.
It was also because of my intense missing of a person that I would often talk about the person in my daily conversations but again I can't bring up this person in any of my conversations anymore due to the promises I had to keep. Missing someone can be sweet and also bitter at the same time and I just need to get familiar with this emotion and let time disperse the emotions. Maybe 30 years from now the memories would fade and I will be asking myself who was the person who had mattered so much to me? Just like Sakura's memories in Tsubasa Chronicles - actually I wonder if one loses their memories, will they be happier or sadder? I think they wouldn't know but those who know them would likely feel sad to have been forgotten. I still feel sorry for Syaoran in Tsubasa Chronicles as all Sakura's memories of him was obliterated and lost. That was also the most intriguing anime I have watched and was left disappointed when it gets too confusing and there was no proper conclusion to the anime. I found some ending of it online based on the manga but it isn't a happy ending.
I do not hope for my memories to fade and although I do not have any evidence left of the person I miss, I will always remember the promises we made. At least when the missing gets intense, there is still something to hold on to. It's more than half a year since the first time “I left" and yet the feelings remain the same despite knowing certain information that disappoint me when I said goodbye forever. I know whatever the person did was not a reflection of him and I hope he finds himself as soon as he could and stop wasting time on the things that no longer matter.
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Good Night.
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