I could never get tired of spending time with pets particularly dogs because they just seems to tune into your frequency and show you that they care deeply. You can be having a good day or a bad day and they know exactly just what you need. I recalled the times I am happy they get bouncy and excited and the times I was sad they just sat around me and lick my face. Therefore It breaks my heart whenever I hear news of innocent dogs being mistreated by humans and I just cannot finish watching or reading such cruel news because it upsets me greatly. After the completion of a 5 days free webinar on "Ba Zi" (an ancient knowledge comprising of various calculation to determine our character, luck, destiny etc), I found that I need to learn to address my ability to control my own emotions and I tried my very best to check and neutralize my feelings on and off throughout the day. I know it is just a few days of practice but to me it is an achievement. I did not bend with pressure at work, I wake up telling myself I have unlimited energy even if I felt tired, I continued my exercise routine even though I felt lazy and I caught myself withholding my words although I have lots to say and I push away any negative thoughts that come my way.
I faced some minor challenges like a junior ranting to me about work and although I would like to be a supportive senior offering a shoulder to cry on, I just don't have the capacity. I am aware what I told her may invalidate her feelings but I think she is wasting too much time running in circles about how horrible her last on call partner was. I just listened for 3minutes or so and told her "some of our colleagues sucks but we just need to change our mindset as we can't change them. Take it as a chance for us to do more and learn more through the process of doing more. Right now you should not let this affect you and go prepare for your upcoming exam. Spend your energy on your exam preparation." She was quite adamant to finish her ranting though as she followed me all the way to the corridor to continue her rant but in the end thank me for listening which made me slightly guilty cause I wasn't listening. I just know the title for the rant but the contents of it are a blur as I was thinking how to extract myself from the situation. I actually decide to physically leave by taking my bag and umbrella to head home thinking that she gets the cue but to my dismay she walked out of the room with me. Now I understand why master Loh feels drained whenever he goes out to do charity especially visiting the underprivileged as the whole aura does affect your own vibration when you have to listen to people's problems.
Today as I woke up, my first challenge was to face the horrible news that my partner broke to me in the most blunt manner. The first picture on the text message was the body of a white dog with big blotches of purplish red and black bruises over all its legs and its body appeared lifeless. Followed by a voice message that says "Mike didn't make it thorough the night". I felt like time froze for a moment as I was processing how am I to handle this as I felt a surge of sadness and tears start to form and threatening to fall from the rims of my eyes. I know I need to accept and take this matter in a more composed, rational and logical way just like my partner but I just felt it was so hard. Then I have this internal conversation with myself where I allow myself to feel sad but told myself to refrain from crying. I momentarily did question why must it be "Mike", why?
You see, Despite my love for dogs, I have never rescued any strays or adopt strays and have always kept pedigree dogs as pets. I was very unfamiliar with mongrels and often thought they are not very bright and difficult to train until I interact with the 16 strays my partner saved. Compared to the spoilt Golden Retriever at home, the strays were so obedient under my partner's care and could even wait patiently for the "eat" command before starting their meals. They did not like me at first maybe because they think I am a competitor for my partner's attention but eventually some of them warmed up to me and I get to know each of their character more. Out of the 16 dogs, I Love Mike the most as he wants me to pet him all the time and has a calm and composed nature. I was responsible for naming the first batch of strays and I gave them all Pokémon names such as Meowth, Sylveon, Onyx. I think my partner selects better names and one of the names that was rather special was Benta which was suppose to mean "blessed". Benta was indeed blessed as she would have died if she wasn't rescued and now she is a playful adult dog.
So yes, why must it be Mike, why take away the dog I loved the most? However it doesn't mean I want another dog to replace his place, I just felt like I am being tested again whenever I form attachments. Do I want to let go? Yes I want to as I want Mike's soul to be in peace. I wonder how does my partner handles his emotions, as soon as he know I am awake, he showed me Mike's body and told me that I can speak to him for the last time - I did and I broke my willpower to not cry. Mike even in his death looked very peaceful and calm, with lots of pain he have dragged himself to go further into the farm as we suspect he does not want us to see him dying. The cause for his death was because Meowth and Milo had a fight with him last night and if he was a normal dog he probably wouldn't die but he was special. I think Mike has some sort of risk for atopy or bronchial asthma as I often catch him wheezing or have a sort of stridor. I am not sure if the bites exacerbated his respiratory symptoms overnight and he departed. I just hope it was quick and painless as to think that he had suffered is unbearable. I was also getting a little angry when my partner says things that begin with "if". I told him let's not talk about "if's" because if the partition between their cages were intact this might not have happened. My partner accepted what I say although I know by saying so it is like I am blaming him for the dysfunctional partition.
From this experience, I learn that there will still be more challenges along the way and my method of dealing with loss is different from my partner. At one point I was wondering why must he aggravate my sadness by showing me Mike's body on the video call but I realize he just wanted to give me a chance for a last good bye. I felt frustrated I cannot be there physically to pet him for one last time thus it was a mixture of emotions and I also experienced feeling a pang of anger and dislike towards Meowth and Milo. My partner rationalize that they are animals and lack the conscious level we have so they probably did not know what they were doing. Milo especially was horrible as from the story I heard, he was not involved in the fight, it was only between Meowth and Mike, but upon seeing Mike was injured, Milo decides to bite Mike. I really cannot find any room to forgive Meowth and Milo and I had the thought of taking them to a far away place and abandon them and make them go back to becoming strays (Yes, this is my horrible, irrational and emotional self). They definitely won't survive long if they are out there as they are domesticated and there's a lot of Burmese workers well known for capturing dogs for consumption.
I know there is no point in being angry towards Meowth and Milo and no I am not going to treat them any different. I am able to keep my emotions at bay at a shorter time frame now although it wasn't a perfect control from the start. It is okay, it is more than a 1% improvement and Mike's departure was a valuable learning experience. Go cross that rainbow bridge Mike and I will continue to earn brownie points so that I can meet you in heaven someday. May your soul be liberated my sweet natured Mike <3
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