I have attended tomb sweeping day with my family before at my dad’s hometown which involves going to the actual grave yard where we will do a proper spring cleaning and bring offerings to place by the tombstones of our deceased relatives. Today I experience tomb sweeping at a columbarium, it is much more comfortable as everything is within the building and there is no sun exposure although the weather was still humid. I personally do not know the procedures or ritual to tomb sweeping and just follow whatever the elders do. This time I followed whatever my husband did. Other than purchasing items to burn for those in the afterlife (oh the items are quite interesting these days, there’s even imported cars with tailored plate numbers), food items are also prepared to invite our deceased relatives to “eat” (at the columbarium I went, only vegetarian food items are allowed so we cannot bring any meat). My dear husband made a childlike yet truthful remark that the food items some people bring are usually what they themselves desire to eat since only some of the food will be left behind for the staffs at the columbarium and most of the items are taken home for the living to consume.
I’m writing the steps here so if the next year I come I will be less clueless.
- Buy the things we want to offer, usually the shopkeeper will pack it into a box and seal it.
- Buy vegetarian food for offering.
- Place all the food offerings on the table provided.
- Burn the bigger incense to offer to Ksitigharba Boddhisattva （地藏王菩萨）along with two candles and some paper offering.
- Take 3 joss sticks and stand in front of offering and then walk to the place where the deceased is residing (identified by an alphanumerical system with their photo, name and date of birth and date of departure written). Stand in front and invite them to come to the table with the food to have a feast.
- Give them time to eat and after a while serve tea and wine (pour it on the part of the table with a small gutter than will drain the wine and tea onto a pail, it’s a modified version as usually it is done by pouring the drinks right onto the ground from a left to right manner)
- Then enquire if they have finish their meal by an action called 筊杯(Jiao Bei). I don’t know how do I explain this in English, basically you take two crescent shaped items and throw it on the floor and see the direction of the crescents face up or down and that would signify if they have completed their meal. Basically there’s a 50% chance that at the first throw it would have indicated that they have completed their meal. For us, it only took one throw otherwise you will need to give them time to eat and then “ask” again.
- Burn joss stick again now from the table guide them back to their resting place. One that is done burn the prepared paper offerings meant for them at the burning zone.
- Clear off the table with the food. Some food may be left behind for the staffs such as fruits.
And it’s done!
How did I feel about the entire experience?
Well, I think the whole ritual is heavily influenced by culture and personally I did not really feel comfortable with burning so much of paper offerings or incense because I think it could pollute the environment. I did observe a man gave flower offerings and prayed by holding a single flower, perhaps he is also not comfortable with all the burnings. Me and my husband did discuss that a lot of the paper offerings are more for the living to fill in the gaps of regrets or guilt towards the deceased. I mean we really do not know will the deceased actually receive those paper offerings in the after life and will it really materialise into real items there. Despite things being unknown, people still do it probably because it is a ritual they believe in, to alleviate guilt, or just doing it blindly. I think I am the doing it blindly because I don’t belong to the first two category. However other than doing it blindly I wanted to accompany my husband and honour the deceased in whichever way their family is accustomed to.
I didn’t know what should I say and I had actually prayed that the ancestors would bless my husband in all that he do and I asked for their aid to help him. Later on my husband told me that there’s a joke about having children, first you need to painstakingly give birth, feed them, educated them, give them financial support until they have their own lives then after you die they will still pray to you for “help”, conclusion is they will never let you rest in peace. I had an “Oops” moment when he told me that and I admitted that I had actually ask the ancestors for help instead of praying for them to be able to attain peace and be at nirvana (my husband’s prayers were such, what a great contrast from mine!). We also discussed about our plans in future if any of us die what should we do to our bodies and we agreed that we would like to be cremated and placed in a columbarium. We are also aware that we have no next generation to come pray or give us offerings or pay “rent” to the columbarium, so the plan is to give a donation and it will be up to the management how long they plan to keep our ashes, otherwise we think it is all very petty. I’m glad we have this sorted out so that if the time comes there is a clear solution on what must be done. It is also a conversation I would want to have with my parents because knowing their wishes is very important. I used to feel uncomfortable to discuss about things related to death because it makes me really sad but then it is the only guaranteed thing in life. If I could have a party for my funeral, I would like to have the song “your bones” by monsters and men played at my wake. I wrote the instructions for my funeral years ago after reading the book “how to simplify your life” and I think a lot of things need to be revised and my partner should have a copy.
It was a really short meet up this time but I was able to discuss a lot of things and surprisingly I was able to see the red flags in some friendship that I wasn’t able to see before. It was also because of the book I read recently that made me see how I had committed a mistake of cognitive fallacy and I kept choosing to see the good and ignored the bad which was detrimental in my case. Now I understood why communications had to be untraceable, why memories have to disappear and also the priming that took place. I was primed to believe that certain behaviour was acceptable in the name of Love although it was wrong morally, socially or spiritually. I had allowed all those priming because I too had my own desires and problems which was being too trusting and lonely. I think the combination of the two could easily make me befriend or even fall in love with just anyone under those circumstances. So was everything a mirage? Was anything real in the end? No one knows and I was never meant to leave any traces in his life. I ask my partner to never ever push me away and he told me he will not push me away as long as I do not repeat the same mistake. I guess if I had married an average guy, I would probably be divorced by now as no average guy would have tolerated my behaviour or irrational reasoning. It was a great lesson and perhaps it was something that needs to take place due to a debt from past lives. It ended well for both parties because we ended with “nothing against you” which is the most appropriate way to severe ties.
I nearly miss the bus just now and was rather amazed that for once after a year plus of boarding the same bus from Gua Musang, it is finally punctual! I felt a little teary as I rush up the bus and couldn’t hug or give my husband a good bye peck. I was also unable to take the variety of pastries he bought for me from Ipoh and only took the salted chicken and Kyoho grape vinegar. I told him maybe it’s meant to be, pastries will make me fat and he should have them instead. Anyway the Kyoho grapes and grape vinegar from K.C Kwang at Cameron Highlands taste really good! I think I found a grape species that I like as all these while I never fancy any specific type of grapes especially the seedless ones as I was told that they are genetically modified to be seedless.
I can’t wait to reach my room and take a warm bath and go to bed as soon as possible tonight. Extremely tiring to be travelling across 3 states to and fro within less than 48 hours. I just want some sleep right now.
Oh and tomb sweeping day is usually on the 15th of the spring equinox but since it would be extremely crowded on that day a lot of people prefer to perform the rituals earlier before the actual date. This year it is supposed to be 4th of April also known as Qing Ming.
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