If I could always choose, I want to be at the giving end and not the receiving end. This is because in order to give you are never at a deficit or lack and you are in control.
Today I am playing the role of a person accompanying patient (PAP) and I really dislike this role. I am honoured to be there for my family but at the same time I feel really nervous about the whole process. We went to the hospital at the required time and had everything sorted and prepared to avoid any unwanted delays or hiccups. The time given to us for admission was 0730 and by the time all the formalities are completed, we find ourselves in a squeaky clean hospital bed at 0815. The consultant surgeon came in and examined my loved one and asked the staff nurse to apply a marker on the area that is going to be operated on. All these are standard procedures to prevent operating on the wrong site and it is in par with Safe Surgery Saves Lives (SSSL) initiative. I thank the surgeon although I find myself to be suddenly aphasic as I wanted to ask a few more questions but somehow I worry if I might be taking too much of his time or annoy him with my questions or perhaps I’m just worried.
The situation is made better by the optimism showed by my loved one and seeing that he is brave and confident, I mask my own fears and worries and play along with him. He looked like a child to me in the whole scenario as I am the one who is more familiar with the hospital set up. Upon waking to his hospital room, he joked that he is checking into a hotel and upon lying on the hospital bed he was making jokes about room service and where is his big breakfast. I told him I’m glad he is taking everything so well and it gives me a sense of peace. However my physical nervousness seems to show as I feel my tummy makes a few flip flops and my gut seems to be doing somersaults. As I am typing this, he is sleeping like an Angel waiting for his turn which is supposed to be around 10-11am. I am also quite anxious about him going under anaesthesia and as an anaesthesia provider myself, I know I’m just being silly because his anaesthesia risk is actually quite low given that he is an ASA 1 patient who is properly fasted and have no features of difficult airway.
Family members wishing him for a smooth surgery means well but somehow at this moment their messages and care seems to make me feel extra nervous. This is also one of the reason I do not like to share any important life events with anyone until it is over as the additional attention at crucial times seems to add hyperbole to my already turbulent emotions. I am trying my best to face this entire experience as if it’s a routine and I should be feeling as normal as possible. Easier said than done though and for that I admire my partner as he is able to neutralise his emotions almost all the time. I really got to improve my emotional quotient if I want to be able to face greater things in life. Perhaps this is an opportunity to practice emotional intelligence by first learning to deal with all these nervousness which is making me impatient. I had actually thought the surgery would start somewhere around 0900 and would be over by 1100 so I feel tormented that we have to wait a little bit longer.
It also kinda sucks that despite me being a healthcare professional myself, I cannot accompany him at the operating suite. It is only possible if I’m directly working with the said hospital and prior arrangements were made to allow me to be with him. I know if we had opted to have the surgery at my work place, I probably would be allowed to be in the operating theatre throughout his surgery. I know a lot of health care professionals who are providing direct care to their families although this is not advisable. It is said to cause a lot of problems like conflict of interest, emotional strain lack of objectivity etc. If I could, I would have preferred to be the one to put an intravenous cannula on him and I would have preferred to be the one who put him under anaesthesia and care for him throughout the procedure. However if things were to go wrong such as an unanticipated reaction towards a mediation or situations such as acute blood loss with haemodynamic compromise or a sudden desaturation due to a pneumothorax (okay I should stop thinking unnecessary scenarios), I do wonder if I will loose objectivity and fail to respond accordingly. I am confident in giving the best care but asking myself such a theoretical question leaves me in doubt as there is a huge possibility my emotions would cloud my judgement because the person lying on the operating table is someone whom I have great feelings for. Therefore I think it is appropriate to refrain from immediately treating family members.
All these rumination about the surgery is making me hungry. I guess it is a good sign that I am hungry and would like to have something to eat. I recalled I used to let my emotions rule over me so much that I could not even eat whenever I feel upset. Being away from home most of the time, it seems customary that my family would prepare lots of my favourite food before leaving home and I often find myself having trouble to swallow any of those food due to the sadness that consumes me whenever it is time to go back to my nomad life. So, I did overcome some of those problems over the years and the last I went home during Chinese New Year, I still recall being able to eat so much prior to boarding the flight that my family had asked me to reevaluate my eating habits.
Alright it’s 1026 right now and there are no signs of being called to the theatre. It’s okay, what is more important is that everything goes smoothly and he is safe and sound. God bless us!
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