My last post had a negative note to it and after writing it I do not feel good about it. If I were to view it from a different angle, I am lucky to have my parents alive and still around me to dote on me although sometimes their love suffocate me. I cannot change the way they love me but I can change how I deal with it. For example tonight mom asked me if I am home from work and I only saw her message after an hour. I texted her back saying I’m home and not to worry and I hope she have slept and true enough she have as my messages couldn’t get through. In some way, my not replying immediately have train them to let go a little. I believe someday if my parents leave this world, I will definitely miss having their name appear on my phone and I will definitely miss them infinitely!
Yes sometimes I do forget to count my blessings just like how I seem to forget the spiritual nourishment that I am supposed to observe in order to have a balanced life. God seems to be so far from my life now that I have nothing in particular to ask for. Half a year ago I remembered God daily because I wanted to ask God for help. Does that make me a hypocrite? Did I only make use of God? However I did not completely forget about God, my spiritual self just seems to go missing amidst the daily hustle of life. I do have things I wish for but I just refuse to ask anything from God anymore. I still have mom and another aunty (my ex landlady) who love to send me messages pertaining to Christianity and I will politely reply with an “amen” but for the past few months I do not download the image nor respond. I think the journey with God is pretty personal and although they meant well, I really do not feel like turning to God.
The only thing I need to remind myself now is to maintain feeling gratitude each day because so far that is the only thing that seemed to work for me throughout my life. Being thankful makes a lot of things bearable in life. For example, I am thankful that today I get to sleep in till 10am. Instead of complaining why I lacked the drive to wake up at 5am for a run. I am thankful that I worked the noon shift instead of whining why am I not assigned to the morning shift as I prefer morning shift better. Actually the noon shift today was pretty jobless and I finished 30pages from a book I borrowed and played 3 hours of Gunbound. Yeah gratitude is also the only thing that took the hurt of losing my dog away. Somehow I did not visit his graveyard when I went home the other day because what is left behind there is no longer him. He really taught me about impermanence and how it felt to be loved unconditionally.
Being forgetful though is not entirely a bad thing. I sometimes wish I could selectively forget some parts of my life the parts that sometimes made me doubt about kindness, loyalty and friendship. The ways of the world have certainly took away whatever innocence that left within me and knowing this does make me sad sometimes because the world I live in requires me to be alert, cautious and second-guess my surroundings and people. Maybe I just learnt to be street smart at an older age and this isn’t a bad thing. Come to think of it other than my dad, no one else will ever go all out to shun me from the hard realities of life.
I am sorry papa and mama for not being able to value your love the past few years. I want to be free yet the world out there is so complicated but I know the pretty cage you made me is not a place I could call home. I thank you for all you have done for me and I thank God for your life and I hope we can still be together a very very long time. I still hope we could all find a balance in our daughter-parents relationship.
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