Today I feel stuck again, just like how I used to feel trying to forget someone trying to wash away memories that no longer bring me happiness but sadness. Perhaps it is because today is also III’s birthday (coincidentally same day as the birthday of my Love one). I don’t know why I have to think of him and the times we played Gunbound together and he taught me how to use Beetleking. I’m back to thinking about what could have been if I did not play Gunbound with him. I definitely will have less sadness. I think I just cannot understand the part where he just ignored me. I have told myself over and over again there is nothing to understand, just move on. Thanks to him I no longer befriend anyone online after that. The friends I have online are the ones I know prior to knowing him and he taught me a good lesson to never invest too much time and energy into online friendships.
I can’t tell this to anyone because it’s an internal war within me. There is also no point in sharing how I feel to my husband or my close friend as I can anticipate the answer or respond that I would get. There is really no one who can help me with this except myself. If this feeling is so negative why should I allow myself to dwell in it? Isn’t that just silly? I’m definitely not a silly person.
If there is a concoction to forget someone I would definitely take it to forget everyone who entered my life and left without saying goodbye. For that I want to thank Icy for giving me closure in the end. Although at that moment when I read his email I still feel hurt for all the things that have happened, looking at his email one more time made me felt like at least there is closure. He did explain his actions well although I couldn’t remember the content anymore. The situation I had with him was similar - I did not understand some of his actions and I took a lot of time to digest the whole situation. Maybe my world is too small that whenever I find a person I felt I could really talk to and also someone who made me felt beautiful and loved (I did feel all these), I thought it would last forever. Maybe III was right, there is no pure friendship between opposite genders. Could the friendship continued if we were both the same gender? Do adults of different gender eventually get confused and want to be more than just friends? Have I ever been truthful to myself?
I am not intoxicated but I feel I am not making any sense tonight and I feel a little teary. I’m oncall for the 12th day today and I can’t wait to finish my 15 day oncall streak and have the weekend to care for myself. I didn’t even have time to reminisce on my awesome Taiwan trip.
I need to sleep in order to do my duty well. Good night, I still have a long way to go in mending myself.
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