I am really at peace with many things and the resultant effect is that I no longer feel sad about the past when I think about it. I have always respected everyone's privacy and although I would never keep any photos from the past or any photos that were shared between us, my mind's memory stores them well. I would not call it jealousy but somehow images with body contact (with another person) made me feel easier to let go because it was a reminder that I could never share similar proximity with you (it is wrong anyway). The times I was missing you and thinking of you and did not hear from you, you were spending it in the embrace of another person. This thought that I formulated myself made it simpler for me to let go. You did rationalize it was because I blocked you but I left certain ways for you to reach me but you did not attempt to do so and I realize you are not going to try. Discord was the only place where I never blocked you but deleted you as a contact. I wish I had seen more images that were intimate so that I could have let go earlier. Then again letting go is a process, there's no way to speed it up or shorten it. I think the images helped but in reality, I think it is because I figured out things in a rational manner.
I am comfortable being your friend now and I like it the way it is, us being just friends, clan mates, and maybe people who exchange knowledge and ideas. It was just the way I wanted the relationship to be. I finished reading another storybook called "Girl Online on Tour" by Zoe Sugg and the kind of friendship that the main character Penny had with Elliot was the kind of friendship I thought we could have. However, that is no longer possible now because my husband will never be able to accept you as my best friend. So yeah, all we could be is just online friends. What I am trying to say is, that even though I will be paying a visit to your wonderful country, I do not want to meet you because meeting up is equivalent to disrespecting my partner. I did put myself in his shoes if he had a female friend who was intimate in their interaction before and that interaction feels more like a romantic relationship, I do not think I would be at peace if they met up overseas where I would not be able to know what they might talk about or do.
I appreciate that you would go the extra mile to be that good friend who wouldn't mind being short-changed because you know me well and want to play "host" when I visit. If we could have erased just a few of our actions, I would open up to the idea of meeting but we can't erase what was done and it becomes a historical fact. I asked my partner what if I met you and just made good use of you during my travels there? (I had to ask in this manner laced with ill intentions so that I could ask him this question about meeting). He told me that I do not need to do that because it is not me and he said that there will be bad karma for doing such things. Other than that he also thinks that I do not need to use anyone and I could rely on myself. He added that I would regret it if I were to meet you. I am not sure what that means as it could mean a lot of things and I dropped the conversation as I could see he was getting rather annoyed. I think I have hurt people enough for the past year when it comes to matters of the heart, therefore I would like to highlight one more time that it is IMPOSSIBLE for us ever to meet. So, you can stop your efforts of trying to ask me about my itinerary because I am not telling and I want to stay out of trouble.
In the past I was afraid of myself and couldn't trust myself about how I would feel if we met, now, I feel confident that I could handle it well and I believe I will not do anything out of boundaries. I did imagine it in my head, I probably would wave at you and we would not even shake hands because that feels too formal. We will not hug because that feels odd as Asians and I guess I would go "Yo man/or your name/ or your game name, finally, I am seeing you in real! How are things going? want to play a match on our phones right now?" Yeah, I think this is how it would go and probably at most we would high-five each other for the wins. I think the venue would be some hawker stall or kopitiam where it feels more natural and with busy surroundings because we do not need any privacy or get cozy. Yes, this is how I had it pictured in my head. In the past, I would have wanted us to meet at the seaside that you showed me before and take a walk (maybe build a sandcastle?) or go jogging together at the park, but I think all these are only for best friends and we lost that opportunity to be best friends.
Okay enough about us. About the storybook I read, I felt like I could connect with the main character Penny well. I searched online only to realize it is a trilogy and the one I read was the second book! No wonder I had a lot of questions about how she met her Rock-God boyfriend and where she got her anxiety from. Again this is a book I picked up from the book-sharing stand and I do not see the other two books. I guess I will have to get it in PDF form online and read them. I feel transported to another dimension whenever I read storybooks and it releases a lot of dopamine in me (Equivalent to gaming on GBM!) and it is very addictive.
Some things I learned from friends today are:
1) get a passport organizer - this was a response to my nightmare where I did not bring my passport to the airport and my entire vacation was ruined
2) There is this thing called Cirrus behind my debit card and this Cirrus (sounds like "serious") stuff would enable me to withdraw cash in the local currency when I travel abroad. I am so glad to learn this piece of information. I am super scared of lacking finances if I am abroad and I want to ensure everything I have on me can function well. Going to an advanced nation I guess things are on time and fast-paced and I do not want scenarios where I cannot scan my card to go on public transport. That would cause a delay and inconvenience to everyone.
I need to buck up, today's self-study single best answer score is 18/30, and I think I could do better tomorrow! I also need to rehearse for my upcoming important presentation!
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