Tonight there’s a party at our house (or perhaps just my husband’s house). So he told me he will show me the scene but entirely forgot about it because he was busy and occupied by playing host. I’m not angry nor am I disappointed but it’s just that I knew he would again “forget” me or I am again out of the picture. I wish he could be more aware in making me feel more involved or inclusive but he did not. Back to my theory, he is really enjoying his bachelor life so much and is not ready for marriage. I did ask him if he ever think of me during the party and he said he did as someone did ask about me. Well, I told him if someone asked and if I were important, you would pause and say that I would really like to be present and since I couldn’t to excuse yourself a moment to have a quick 1 minute video call with me. He did apologise but somehow I just don’t feel like accepting the apology because it is quite meaningless. A lost moment is a lost moment.
I told him I need to “cool my anger” and he just said okay even though there was no emotion in my words and I was still putting a sarcastic smile when I said it. He is really a wood alright, he just hung up and that’s it, no messages later on to reflect on his actions. In a relationship only the people involved know how it feels and I feel like laughing every time people are surprised that my long term plan is to go back to my hometown instead of being nearer to him. Everyone seem concerned about a married couple not living together but my concern and considerations differ. I don’t want to be a decoration if I stay with him. I want him to sincerely want my presence and think of me as a significant being in his life and not take me for granted. Otherwise, for me it is very simple, I will just go further away and do my stuff and entertain myself.
Probably being single for a long time is a habit or ingrained lifestyle that he could not change. I do enjoy living my life individually too but the difference is he is always on my mind and I do include him in all the bits and pieces in my life. One of it was in my thesis acknowledgment I wrote his name and thank him for the support yet when I told him I would like to give him a copy of it his respond was “why?”. Oh well because the university made me print so many copies only to give it back to me after it was being marked by 2 examiners and I have 2 books that seems quite “clean” without any pen markings and I thought he would be proud of my achievement. Maybe he just don’t understand the value of my thesis or he sees it as a waste of space to give one to him or it is impractical. I don’t know.
Received my exam number today and was feeling a little upset about it as it had 0 at the end. I did ask my friends from China if they are knowledgeable in numerology or I-Ching and ask if the numbers is bad and can I do anything to neutralise the bad vibe but the respond I got was that I shouldn’t be so fixated in superstitions and also one of them think the number is great. Okay, so if I remove the zeros it reveals 15 and I guess that’s a good number. Husband says that the number is good and told me this is my year and next year it will be tougher for me so I should take the opportunity to shine. Besides he reminded me that I received two awards this year where I came first in both so just give my all and pass the exams!
I wish he would drop me a text but I guess he is exhausted and have slept by this hour. I just felt that I am always never first in his heart and it is very annoying for me. He did propose we go on a vacation once I passed but along with other family members. I just wish I could have him all to myself as we have not gone for our honeymoon. There won’t be any text messages tonight as I did send an article telling him not to dig his nose since nose picking seem to be linked to Alzheimer’s disease in animal studies. In a video I watch online it was hilarious to see that all the women being interviewed regarding “what is the benefits of getting married” replied none and there’s many downsides to it. On the contrary the men seems to think being married is wonderful. The comments are even more funny. Someone stated a male is just interested in finding a “mom like figure” where he could sleep with and proceed to joke about the word “新娘”. Whatever it is, I am definitely not gonna be mothering him and as for the sleeping part, I should say my bedroom adventures barely exist.
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