It is 26 degrees now and my room had just the right temperature the tiles are cold and I am not sweating like I used to. I switch on the lamp my friend gave me, it has a nice yellow glow. Somehow it is such a romantic atmosphere and I miss my Loved one so much. It felt incomplete to have a hanging conversation as I was busy with an online webinar. I learned about perioperative fluid management in neonates from an awesome neonatologist from India. One of the things I learned is that human albumin is not routinely given nor is it a choice for fluid resuscitation in neonates. Always choose crystalloids namely 0.9% normal saline or 0.45% normal saline. Always remember to give glucose supplements as neonates are prone to hypoglycemia due to the immature liver. Some seniors shared that the practice is to continue the maintenance fluids from the neonatal intensive care unit and to have a separate drip for fluid resuscitation intraoperatively. I somehow forgot that blood transfusions require crossmatching both the mother's blood and the neonate's blood (This shows I hardly handle neonatal cases) and it is always packed cells and not whole blood! The neonatologist shared that even in exchange transfusion, whole blood is not used and to use cross-matched packed cells. The freshness of the blood is important as old blood cause hyperkalemia and irradiated blood is preferable. She was so knowledgeable and answered all questions based on evidence-based medicine. I wish the webinar had a replay as I had some trouble following some of the things since it was meant for people who are more experienced in handling neonates. I will still need to learn about it since sometimes I do get neonate cases. The physiology of fluid shifts from intrauterine life to extrauterine life was also interesting and I thinK I will write a short note about it later.
Yesterday I started my day feeling that I should be getting more pay for what I am doing because I saw an advertisement in my email that a Family Medicine Specialist in Australia gets 300-400AUD/annum. I wonder why I am here doing cheap labor and questioning all my life choices. It wasn't a pleasant way to start my day with self-doubt. I kept reminding myself that I am doing it because I am passionate about it just that unfortunately I am living in the wrong country. Perhaps this feeling is worse for those from low-middle-income countries. However, it is human nature to compare our situation with those who are better than us than to compare with those who are worse than us. Although the middle part of the day was filled with blessings - free lunch and dinner, did a private case with my professor, and extubated 2 patients in the ICU, I still feel a little sad. I am sad for being absent for a lot of family events and it was the highlight towards the end of the day when my husband informed me that 1st of July is the date we are moving to our new home and asked if I could make it. It was obvious that I can't make it at such short notice as my leave requests need to be submitted one month in advance. I felt exasperated and disappointed with the situation and just felt down instantaneously. It somehow gave me some gastritis and I know I need to think rationally and escape those emotions. I have spent countless times fantasizing that we both are going to dress up in matching color schemes and be awesome hosts for our housewarming. I so badly want to appear along my husband's side in social events so that I could feel connected and more included in his life. I know he includes me in his life, just that it doesn't feel obvious sometimes and I wanted to share the housewarming moment with him.
It is already quite a shame that I never got to attend my housewarming which was hosted by my parents or my brother's housewarming and the reason is always the same - because I am working. I did not even attend my brother's registration of marriage or social events that my husband has been invited to since we got married (yeah I missed 2 weddings, 1 baby fullmoon celebration, Nepal national day celebration, a trading conference where he can bring one person for free etc). The worst reality of my absence is knowing my dedication at work is always replaceable but those moments I lost with my family, can never return. So I am often not in the picture and it makes me sad. I communicated that I am a bit disappointed with the last-minute notice and I would be post-call on 1st of July. Given the distance, even if I rent a car and speed to get home, it is not practical nor safe. He immediately consoled me and suggested we move in September instead as it is not advisable to during the 6th and 7th lunar months. However, I think he should move as soon as possible as I am uncertain if I could make it in September since it is very close to my exams. I don't think I am a very laid-back person who could party near exams. Furthermore. the earlier he shifts the better it is for his Feng Shui and wellbeing. I told him I was just being a little emotional and need to get over my disappointment. I will be fine and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Furthermore, I plan to throw a party once I pass my exams and the dream of playing hosts together could still come true.
Soon we are going to be far apart and I hope I can see him settled down properly before we are separated by the South China Sea again. I am still consistent and persistent in choosing my hometown over staying with him because it is the most efficient choice in terms of finances, well-being, career development, and the chance to be filial to my parents and in-laws. He knows me well too as he agrees that I will be happier in my hometown. I wish I did not have to make such choices and I know my mother-in-law would be disappointed by my selection. She often tells me to take good care of my household and not to worry about them. She also reminded me that they will enjoy life to the fullest and look out for each other. I somehow think the "look out for each other" part to be ironic as isn't it that most parents wish their child would be there for them? However, she is sticking to the "enjoying" part as she invited my parents to travel together and they have been to 2trips abroad and have another 2 upcoming trips. I want to thank the heavens for letting my parents and in-laws be on good terms and I recalled that I would not have married if they could not get along. I had also ensured my in-laws liked me before I decided to have them as family as it is vital for me for everyone to be in harmony. Most of all I thank my husband for never pressuring me to have children - this is the greatest blessing! I told him that the only "baby" I need to take good care of is him and I will do my best in our relationship.
I hope my precious one can listen to me and smoothly move to our new house by the 1st of July. Sometimes I wish I could hold back and don't say everything that crosses my mind resulting in him changing his plans. I hope today we can sort things out and make a final decision on when to move and I pray his stubbornness will not get the better of him. Sigh...why did I tell him I was disappointed? It is because I had trouble neutralizing my emotions and he is the only person in this world that have a profound effect on helping me regulate my emotions. 宝贝， 我真的想你！ If the day comes when he doesn't love me or want me anymore, I don't think there will be anyone else who is comparable to him. Therefore, I should try my best to be present while we are together.
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