Do you know to diagnose someone to be brain dead, they need to fulfill certain criteria?
1) Comatose state due to a known cause of irreversible brain damage
2) There is absence of brainstem reflexes
3) The patient requires mechanical ventilation or otherwise is apnoeic without it
This is just an example of how a diagnosis is made. It made me wonder how do you define a dysfunctional relationship. I saw a cartoon on social media where a balloon poodle fell in love with a cactus poodle, upon hugging the cactus poodle, the balloon poodle burst and had to be repaired with tape. The cactus poodle then shaved off all its spines and both of them were able to hug each other with the price of one giving up part of themself and the other a permanent wound. Initially, I thought the cartoon depicted sacrifices in relationships - going against all odds to be together. However, reading the comments, I was surprised to see that it means different things for most people and the majority commented that a toxic relationship is a toxic relationship and it should end. Come to think of it, the cactus poodle will still have spikes growing in the future and can continue to hurt the balloon poodle. Also, shaving off its spines, which were supposed to be a defense and water-saving system, compromises its own survival. As for the balloon poodle, it might burst again and again from time to time and have more and more wounds which it covers with more and more tape, but how long can this continue? By the end of the relationship, the balloon poodle might not recognize itself physically and emotionally.
If there is a problem in my relationship, I would like to fix it but I just felt my partner seems distant even when I am trying my best to revert the relationship to whatever it was before our petty argument. I started off by doing a PowerPoint presentation on our strengths and weaknesses and I am going to list the things that cause conflict and a solution to each of them and then I am going to show it to him. Since he says I do not know how to speak and makes him uncomfortable with my words, probably a slide show would be a better tool to help bridge the communication. Sometimes we do not mean things a certain manner but the tone or manner in which it was being delivered gives an unwanted effect. He thinks that I look down on him and think he is hopeless and useless just because I told him that he is too gullible and should stop believing his online teacher who is teaching him forex. I have seen how he struggled in the last decade to have what he has today and it is all his own hard work under the mentorship of his amazing mother and I do observe that this forex thing is not his path nor do he have the time for it. I told him to focus on the things he is good at and let go of the things that is only wasting his time and dragging him down and he thinks I am an unsupportive partner.
I am so tired of this circle of conflict. So most of the time I just choose to not care and let him swim in the obstacles that he set for himself. I am really worried on the way he manages his finances but then again all of these only became part of my business when we got married, otherwise, we never discuss finances which I think was a bad idea now as it is better to have discussed it prior marriage. As a spoilt only daughter (though not an only child), I have grown up having my parents doting on me and supporting all my needs and I realize those needs required money. I still remembered when I was 13 I had my first cell phone just cause I studied away from home and all my friends did not have one despite studying away from home and had to use the payphone at school. My parents were not rich but they ensured I live life as conveniently as possible. When I was 15 I need to do school projects and using the school's computer meant that I will be going home late and since I walk home, my parents bought me a laptop so that I can be at home after school and do my school work in the comfort of my rented room. I think that laptop cost more than half of my dad's monthly salary back then.
After I got married, I am no longer their responsibility and somehow I felt my life became tougher and more inconvenience. Truthfully I do feel resentment as it was not the life I wanted. Before this my partner promised to get me a car if I transferred over but it never materialized and reason was he is financially tight. I just cannot accept him breaking his promises and painting me a picture where I will have my own transport. If I was still single, I am 100% sure my dad would definitely get me a car. In fact he already got me one back at my hometown now when I said I am returning home for work. I think after having a lot of unfulfilled promises, I start to loose confidence in my relationship. When I moved here, we were still far apart and have to drive for 5 hours to meet up, he told me he will see me every fortnight, but in the span of 2 years he only came to see me thrice and that was also after I highlighted that he did not keep his words.
I also realize the tendency to twist his words to validate his actions. He asked me if it was better for him to come visit me or I visit him? I said of course it is much better for me to visit him as we can live in the comfort of our home, do not need to spend extra money on hotel and the weather is much better at the highlands. However, that does not mean he can break his promises. I do hate taking public transport for long land travels and each time I take the bus I feel my life is at stake as most of the bus drivers are often late and they compensate by speeding recklessly to arrive at the next destination. I can remember many more examples where he could not fulfill his promises and try to mislead me with questions that sounds logical.
I am not sure if I can save our relationship but even if we can't I do not think I want to trust men in general as most of them are similar in nature. The younger me was wiser, I used to dislike boy and said "yuck, I'm never gonna get married". Until today I feel like kicking myself hard for not listening to my intuition the night before the registration of marriage - I actually was worried and had lots of "what if's" and could not sleep the whole night. Somehow most of us are plague with the psychological phenomenon of loving what you cannot have and vice versa. The last sentence in this article should be a mantra for all people in a relationship especially those who are in a legal contract (legally married).
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