I once heard a story about a boy who badly wanted a certain item when he was a young boy however when he grew older and he was able to obtain the item with ease, it no longer holds the same value and meaning to him. Similarly in my current situation despite getting closer to my dreams, I am not very sure if I am actually happy or am I wanting the same things as I wanted a few years ago. The tricky part about life is that nothing is a constant and everything is changing yet we have no way of telling how our current decision or choice could impact our future wellbeing. I certainly feel those negative emotions closing in again whenever I have to be away from my charge station - my home. Somehow although I could control my emotions better and am able to eat despite not having an appetite, I still feel that twisting feeling in my gut with a sense of nausea. No, I have completely recovered from my recent stomach flu but this feeling of nausea is one that always occurs whenever I feel extremely sad. This explained the weight lost that occurred unintentionally whenever I am down in the dumps. It’s like I no longer find joy in one of my favourite activity of daily living which is eating. As much as I am happy to loose weight, this sort of weight loss is unhealthy and makes me look weathered.
Someone just asked me why do I need to be somewhere far from home and I explained that it is for my studies and the person asked if it is my dream and I said “yes” and the respond was “so fun!” Perhaps it is fun if I was doing it from home or if there are family around me or I don’t have to sacrifice so much in living a very mediocre life. Yes, downgrading my lifestyle had been the most horrible thing that occurred to me for the past 1 year. As much as I am proud of my greatly reduced carbon footprint, I do feel the agony of not having my own car or a washing machine. I just feel handicapped and I miss the feelings of driving alone listening to the songs I like on a road with barely any traffic. Furthermore, the Feng Shui of my rented room is extremely bad but I do not have the time nor the energy to look for a new place. Besides, not having transportation is the major limitation to look for other locations. I had to sleep on a single bed which I have not done so since I completed undergrad and I dislike it because with my stuff toys and fluffy pillow I only have very little room for myself - it’s not even a super single but I am thankful the mattress is hard. Okay I know I sound whinny and spoilt and some people probably do not have a bed to sleep on but I cannot help it when everything is being downgraded. So yes at this moment, I cannot see the “so fun!” part because I have this negative energy around me that is making me feel miserable and it’s times like this where I am vulnerable and in need for a trustable friend. However I realise most of the time there’s no point talking to anyone because people can’t relate and it is a waste of other people’s time. Even my own mom says my generation is so weak and we always want the easy way and cannot take up a little challenge - I wish she could try living my life first and then make that statement. The whole point of me studying hard and working my hardest was because I thought it could guarantee me a comfortable life (and I am already nearing middle age if life expectancy is 80) but it seems I was wrong and instead of being comfortable I have more debts from student loan and also being tied down by scholarship contract.
So yes, if only someone wise had told me to just forget about studying and instead learn how to earn money by acquiring certain skills, probably I would have been at a better place. At least maybe I could have stayed with my family and be debt free. The whole system is a scam created by elites to “enslave” the working class. I am still trying to escape from this vortex and I promise myself after this I will not further my studies anymore no matter how enthusiastic or passionate I am with whatever I do because I also realise the system I am in does not reward the hardworking and at times may even penalise hardworking people because the more you do the more you run into tricky situations and thus inviting more problems. A senior have told me that the moment I am being serious about my work, I have lost. I do not fully agree though because I do take pride in what I do moreover the work I do deals with human life so I think being serious is not a bad thing. However I also understand that being too serious may result in burnout. I have never really burnt out or have any signs of burning out but I am aware that if after another year I can’t be with my family, I will just call it quits because I don’t feel I am living when home is just too far away.
My mind is like a hurricane now and I know the situation will not change and I must just go along with it. Probably this is what resilience is. I will try my very best to cheer myself up and continue my “so fun!” Journey.
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