Sweetie's World

  今晚和丈夫聊天，感觉他无法像以前一样有耐心的和我说话。   我也发现在他的言语上多了一个 “ 嫌弃 ” 我的感觉。   之前如果我说我怕或我担心，他会问问我 “ 怕什么呀？讲给我听听看 ” 。   现在呢他就说 “ 你什么都怕什么都担心的啦 ” 。其实他这样的反应让我觉得他无法好好的听我想说的话，他不再是以前那个最棒的聆听者。   我有直接和他说我觉得和他沟通真的很难，   他不给我机会说话就批评我了。 有时心真的感到有点累。   我很努力的想办法去经营我们这段感情，可是他好像有了一些让我感到失望的变化。   我所做的错我都认错了，也学习了做了个妻子该和异性有边界感。他是个孝顺的孩子，他说要我回去我们的家乡工作，这样能陪我们俩的父母。   他说我们还有很多时间可是父母在世的时间是有限的。 我和他说以岁数来谈，的确我们时间会比较多，可是人生无常，我们的命有多长都不轮到我们来决定。 我知道他好像不是很明白他现在多了一个妻子在身边，因为他真的还活在自己的世界里。   我的需求他有时记得有时忘记。   刚才我真的觉得很无奈，连讲话都觉得累。同时心里又想着不该想的事。我记得有一次我和别人有不同的意见时，都是好好的商量，开口都是在吐莲花，句句都有爱心。   我知道丈夫和我认识了十六年，可能也对我感到很腻了。   可是我在视频里看到一句 “ 爱，不是和新的人做旧的事而是和旧的人做新的事 ” 。   我一直在想办法要和他做很多很对新的事，想带他国内旅行（因为他说放不下工作，我想我带他玩两天因该行吧）、想为他做饭、想在菜园帮他、想在金马伦的景点拍情侣照。   我很想重新和他恋爱。   我们不打算生宝宝，此生我就只有他陪伴我。   可是他现对我说话的态度也出了问题。   他刚才有道歉可是他没哄我。   我也没对他大声，   因为我学习人要会调理自己的情绪才能青出于蓝而胜于蓝！   我是一个聪明的人， 我今晚不会浪费我的泪水或时间去想为何他不哄我。   丈夫不懂的哄自己的妻子是丈夫的损失。   今晚我还有很多东西想和他商量，可是看开都不适合商量了。   下个月是他的生日，   我之前只会包个红包因为他是一个非常挑剔的人，我不想买一份他不想要的礼物。   我懂他，带他选衣服我就能了解他。他也是一个很理性的人，所以买对礼物比惊喜还要重要。   我想到的方式就是选几样东西然后问问他喜欢哪一

最近天气真的很闷热，我加了一个小型的携式空调也无法让我的房间变凉。   这导致我的睡眠质量变差，加上今天我比平时早了一个小时起床，   现在的我真的有点困了。   其实我现在刚在图书馆的桌子上小睡了半个小时可是觉得好像更累的感觉。我觉得我无法好好吸收我所温习的课业，可是如果叫我打电玩我又可以提起精神。   幸好我的闺蜜给了我个办法来帮我记得我所温习的课业  -  就是再和她说一遍我所的东西。 我真的很希望下个月能去我丈夫的家住一个星期，因为那边的天气的确比我这边凉很多。   每天放工我都不敢回到我的房间因为我觉得我体内所有的水份都会蒸发！   我很敬佩那些可以在这种恶劣天气下禁食的人。   再多两个星期就是开斋节，到时金马伦高原又要回复交通阻塞的日子。   所以我会劝亲朋戚友如果他们想到金马伦玩，就得斋月时候去。   我试过短短的五公里的路程花了差不多一个小时的时间，真是在浪费生命。   不懂我国的道路和交通部长会何时想办法改善这个令人困扰的问题。   最没脑的事是限制了那些运输水果蔬菜的车，不能在周末十点至三点进行运输工作。人家做生意赚钱也是为国家好，可是一些没脑的官员尽然能制定不合理的规则。   换是我，我会限制私家车，同一个时间提供很多的公共巴士到金马伦所有旅游区。   这样政府能赚巴士费的钱，不干扰做生意的人，也让想到金马伦的游客能轻松的用所提供的巴士。省大家的时间又能把路上的车大量减少。   而且斋月交通都很顺畅，证明了是游客用着私家车导致严重的交通阻塞。   好了不说了，越说我心里越愁，国家有太多 “ 烂 ” 领导人。   图书管快要关起来了，我换去另一个地方吹空调。   今天早上听了这首 歌 ，   感觉歌词很有意思，歌曲也大约五分钟长，我准备着去上班时就听了四遍，   原来我只需要大约二十分钟的准备时间。   希望今晚可以比较凉因为现在好像很多云，   我看我能早点运动啦！

I will never alter narratives to fit my reality, nor will I lie to myself. However, the author David McRaney stated that "the big picture is a lie, nurtured by your constant and unconscious confabulation, adding up to a story of who you are, what have you done, and why." This sentence made me wonder if most parts of my memories are being altered. I tried experimenting by recalling my memories with my partner and everything seems to tally very well. Events that took place 16 years ago, both of us remembered the fine and important details without correcting the other person. Probably because we often reminisce about the past and thus the story remains the same with no addition or subtraction to it. However, I did notice that I could not recall some of the missing pieces from the past and surprisingly he had trouble recalling too. I wonder why both of us could not remember how we got to Resorts World Sentosa to visit the underwater world and the water theme park. I realize there

There is more to life than what we perceive. Some days we might feel that the burden we carry is so heavy and we just want to give up but there are also days when things are going so well that we feel everything is possible. Whatever we are feeling is the consequence of how we choose to feel. However, talking to a patient today made me feel that a lot of the time my problems are so tiny compared to whatever I see in the hospital. Today was one of those unfavorable days whereby I was suddenly scheduled to look after the intensive care unit (ICU). I love intensive care medicine but do not appreciate that I was randomly assigned to work there and it was only for a day. In my opinion, it is best to assign people working in the intensive care monthly if not a fortnight at least to ensure there is continuity of care. Oh well, I tried my best today to give the best care I could give and amidst of providing care, I had a chat with a patient who was supposed to be transferred out of the ICU. Th

I have attended tomb sweeping day with my family before at my dad’s hometown which involves going to the actual grave yard where we will do a proper spring cleaning and bring offerings to place by the tombstones of our deceased relatives. Today I experience tomb sweeping at a columbarium, it is much more comfortable as everything is within the building and there is no sun exposure although the weather was still humid. I personally do not know the procedures or ritual to tomb sweeping and just follow whatever the elders do. This time I followed whatever my husband did. Other than purchasing items to burn for those in the afterlife (oh the items are quite interesting these days, there’s even imported cars with tailored plate numbers), food items are also prepared to invite our deceased relatives to “eat” (at the columbarium I went, only vegetarian food items are allowed so we cannot bring any meat). My dear husband made a childlike yet truthful remark that the food items some people brin

Today I went to the library to help a friend from a different institution to obtain access to some articles. Usually most of the articles are easily unlocked by sci-hub but the articles that she requested could not be accessed even via my institution and I thought the library could help me obtain them instantly but to my disappointment it needs 2 working days. The library is always deserted and I wonder why do they need 2 working days for a supposedly simple task if they really had the means of getting the articles. Since I have walked all the way to the library and I finished my work very early, I decided to look through the books on the shelves on a random manner and a title caught my eye - “You are not so smart” by David McRaney. Usually I will not be drawn by a title that sounds judgmental but since it was kept under “psychology”, I was curious and decided to read the first few pages. Having read the introduction, I was interested especially after doing “The Wason Selection Task” a

Today is one of those days that I feel I am living in a time loop.  Have you ever felt like you lived the same day twice? Well, I think it was because I went home after work and then realized I left my keys at my workplace and had to walk back to my workplace to retrieve them and then went home again. I was wondering how my house keys separated from me and I think I had absent-mindedly taken them out of my pockets and placed it on the bedside table in the on-call room. I was extremely glad it was there as I did not have to waste my time searching for it. Just as I thought I could rest well after a fairly challenging night (Thankfully it was peaceful after 3 am and got crazy again from 7 to 9 am), my superior asked me if I could help out with some private cases. Actually, it is very ironic because I just announced in my family group yesterday that I am done with doing private cases as the additional pay I get is not "under-table" money and I have to pay additional tax for it w

我知道可能你还在看我的部落格   （虽然我说了你别再看了），因为我也无数次偷偷的点击你的档案，   看看是否有什么新的故事或状态。   我知道我不该再看了，可是有时真的会想起你。   不知你几时改了网名也不知几时改了状态可是我有察觉白色的心 🤍 和接下来的黄色的心 💛 。   希望那些心是因为你很开心，很自在。   我尽量不看有关你的事，之前在面书还能看找到你，过后再也找不到，所以我也停止寻找了。   我不希望你看我写的东西因为我不想我写的东西影响你。   我知道你是一个很敏感的男生，   而且很多时候都会想太多。   如果我能影响我身边的人，我都是希望能带来好的影响。我从来不把我的部落格给身边的人看因为我不要他们担心我。   很久以前我会找人聊心事可是那个人（也是一个长辈来的）却把我的心事说给我母亲听，导致了我妈很害怕又担心。   那时的我还是一个很嫩又情绪化的少女，所以我想那位长辈也不懂要如何处理我所和他发泄的情绪导致他去向我妈报告。经过那件事，   我再也不相信任何长辈也很生气因为他的一个举动让我妈妈担心了。你自己也说了我是个矛盾的人，   一时夸我丈夫，一时对他不满。   其实那时候你给我的批评让我感觉你真的不懂我。   我是一个不会轻易放弃的人，   在感情的世界里没有很多经验，   但是不管是家人或朋友我还是会用心的对待。我重来不和丈夫说我要离婚因为我知道这种事不能随意的说。   可是有些时候，当我很失落，当我努力的去沟通可是他还是不能站在我立场去了解我的出发点，   我真的很想 “ 放弃 ” 。我只是想而已，但我知道当我还是带着很多情绪的时候，所有的思考能力都变差，要是做了任何决定肯定会后悔。   我想我们一起也经历了我非常生气的时候，   可是因为你能读我的部落格就导致了事情变得更严重。如果你让我自己发泄，你就不会受到任何的影响，你也不需要消耗任何的时间或精力去想我写的是什么意思。   我从来不喜欢玩弄任何人的心也不懂要如何玩弄别人的心。   我想自由的写我想写的东西，   不管我自己有没有放下，这是我自己一个人得面对的事。   我们也好好的说再见了，所以像最初的再见，   我们答应彼此要活得优秀，快乐。   我不懂你能记得吗？因为好多事你好像给忘了，我们什么时候认识你也不记得了。 不记得也是好，只要彼此过得好，什么都不重要了。   我们俩都是一

这么快又到月中了！时间真是过得太快，我知道我说了这句话有很多次了，可是是真的很快呀！回想两个星期前我觉得难过因为和另一半为了一些芝麻绿豆的事吵了。最让我不可思议的是，隔天他依然当作没有一回事，像平时给我最温暖的“早安”。我见到他时就让他知道我整晚有多难过可是他觉得他又不是不要联络我而希望我们可以设一个时间来好好沟通 （所以他觉得也没什么好难过的）。我又一直的强调我要的是惊喜呀，我要的是偶尔给我打个电话。 面对面说话好像简单多了，他说会尽量主动打给我， 就那么的简单。 之后他带我去吃我最爱的日本餐 （虽然他不喜欢还是会陪我吃）。 我们吃得很开心，过后我就收到了一封简讯是来自我丈夫最不喜欢的人，而我也很傻的把简讯分享给丈夫。结果本来是一个愉快的晚上就变成是个难过的晚上。 他一直不明白为什么我不把那个人完全删除掉，而我却给了他很多借口。 我自己知道为什么我删不掉，因为就算是删掉了，脑子都会记得。之前我还以为能做朋友可是他说他不能把我当朋友看待所以我们的友谊也结束了。就算我有时想关心他或联络他，再也不能了。而且自从他很直接的说明我浪费了他的时间，我也知道如果我再不离开，我这个人也真的不要脸。那天晚上，丈夫在我认识他那么多年以来第一次不让我牵他的手。我从来没有体验过被我爱的人推开， 而且我哭了他也不为我擦干泪水或给我纸巾。我那个时候只觉得我是一个很愚蠢的人因为无法把心事藏起来，一切都要让丈夫知道，却没尊敬他不要我和某些人有来往。也是因为丈夫也是我的知己，除了他，世界上没有一个人知道和接受我的一切（我所有好的坏的过去他都接受，都没有把不好的过去提过）。 也就是因为尝了被推开的感觉，我知道谁是我值得付出的对象。 再把时间转到我出国的时候，那短短的五天是我疫情后的第一个小旅行，心情是很美丽的。 就算是一个人，我也不觉得孤单，也因为是新的地方，很有新鲜感！我到现在还想着新加坡，整天幻想要到那边工作，去体验一个效率高的生活。身为大马人，我很无奈为何我国真的比不上他们的国家。如果差别只是一点点，我还能了解，可是我看到的是天地之差! 所以很自然的他们整天瞧不起我们 - 看面书就懂了，他们整天唱“我们三点五次比你们好” （这也是事实，我们只能忍着一肚子的气）。丈夫呢就整天带着笑脸问我要不要搬去新加坡因为这两个星期他一直都听我说新加坡有多好。我觉得如果可以在那边买屋子和拥有车（就是要很有钱才行

我忘了今天是白色情人节。 其实到了这个年龄经历了一些事，我发觉自己不再注重什么红色白色情人节。 梁静茹的歌词里的一句“爱对了人，情人节每天都过”的确是对的。 只有爱妳的人会保护好妳的心，能守诺言，实现他所答应妳的事情。爱，不会让妳感到痛苦， 只会让妳每天都有正能量，让妳心里感到安稳。  愿天下的情人都能过得幸福、快乐 <3 晚安， 我快要康复了^^

哎哟，才大约一个月的龙年我又生病了！ 师傅说今年我会有血光之灾， 最好是去捐血或抽很多血去验血。 其实我是很怕被抽血， 前几天切芒果时不小心割到手指我也差点晕倒 （我终是不能接受自己流血， 除了每个月大姨妈来的时候我只能接受。但是，心里还是觉的有点恶心为什么女人每个月得流血）。 我觉得自从住在西马身体的免疫系统变差了。 严格的数一数， 我一年好像每三到四个月都会病一次。 以前在东马我几乎都没有生病过。疫情时， 大多数人都病了可是我从来没病过就算我是最迟打疫苗的（因为我被逼）我也没生病过。 可能是我心里作用， 可是我觉得打了疫苗后自己变得体弱多病， 一点都不像我！  明天又得值班， 希望睡醒后我会康复。 我想这短短的十天我一直到处走， 没足够的睡眠也吃了很多平时不吃的食物， 可能身体一下子给吓坏了。 今晚我为自己泡了一杯蜜糖，  附上了降温贴 （我最爱，最有效的Kool Fever）， 放了我爱听的音乐来哄我自己。 人呀病了都很希望有人能照顾。 可是我是一个很自立，会好好照顾自己的女人。 明天我一定要好起来因为我有很多事我很想去实现而且感冒时头脑都好像有点不清醒的， 只想躺在床上睡觉。  晚安， 明天会更好！^^

Continuation from yesterday’s post.  I finally ate the ice cream which is sandwiched between two wafers that I saw before and it was yummy because there’s like a huge block of ice cream and the wafer was thin. I chose peppermint chocolate and raspberry swirl. It was really fun to eat that on the helical bridge that totally looks like a DNA strand. I really love this region and it was also the same place where the fun run was held. So I got to go across the helical bridge twice. I am also very happy to finally seen the Merlion and since it was early in the morning during the fun run, the place was rather quiet and there were not many crowds. I wanted to properly run the fun run but I end up walking most of the time just enjoying the scene and talking to people since it was supposed to be a networking event. Delegates from 142 countries were there but I only manage to make friends from Singapore, Hong Kong, Taiwan, India, Indonesia, Germany and New Zealand. It was quite hard to make more

Delayed entry.   Date of arrival 3/3/24  Arrived to the airport 15 minutes earlier than the expected arrival. As usual AirAsia asked me to check in my hand carry for free again. I don’t really like checking in luggage as I dislike waiting for it at the baggage claim but oh well I’m not rushing so I just comply. Alright I was wrong, baggage claim was so easy but before that clearing the customs here is very easy! It is automated and I Love it! I just scan my passport and go through a second security check where the machine ask for my thumbprint and that’s it! It took about 60 seconds or so. Then I went to their very clean and nice smelling wash room with the option of a squat toilet! (I need to say I Love this and did not expect Singapore to have this as I thought they might have move to sitting toilets only). Then I filled my water bottle and by the time I walk to claim my luggage it only took me a wait time of 3 minutes! After that I just followed all the signs and queue up for the bu

My stay in Singapore have come to an end abruptly and I do regret for not staying another 2 days and going to Sentosa. It was so easy to navigate through Singapore and if I had never brought a brain and blindly followed my partner 12 years ago, this time I really enjoy the autonomy and solo travelling experience. I think I’m a person of many conflicts. I was afraid to travel alone initially but upon touching down and clearing the automated, highly efficient computerised customs clearance, I somehow felt travelling alone here in Singapore is very doable!  Initially I was afraid I might bump into the person I was fond of but seeing the dense population and also knowing he is staying so far away, gave me the reassurance that meeting is impossible. If we were to meet that would be a 1 in 5.45 million chance. Maybe better chance in striking 6D. Funny, when we first met there were so many coincidence and we did buy a 6D (no, he bought, I did not pay him). Anyway conclusion is it didn’t strik

Today I had a temporary moment of glory. I manage to present a piece I wrote in a world congress. I think I couldn’t say a lot about it if I want this blog to remain anonymous. All I can say is everything was God given. I never expect to win and never expect that I will be presenting in front of various delegates from all around the world. It was a great experience and more importantly I overcome my fear and I think I handled the challenge well.  It was a good day with lots of congratulations but I shall not let it get to my head because I know this is just a milestone and I should strive to do better and hope I could be involved in academic related things. I also want to learn to be more articulate and speak proper English. I am so impressed by so many Asians from all around the world who were able to speak really good English and they inspire me a lot.  Happy moments are so short lived and although I have some things that I wish to express, I think it may compromise my blog so yeah I

I’m pretty nervous for tomorrow but someone told me to take it as a challenge and I said okay I will take that advice and take this as a challenge. I hope I do a great job out of it and if I do, I am going to write all about it tomorrow. Meanwhile, I should say that the past few days have helped me clear a lot of my doubts. After having my husband pushing my hand away because he was upset, I decided that I will never ever ever bring up anything he hates anymore. I know he is my best friend but there are things that I just have to lock it inside of me. However, I think I won’t have to worry about it anymore because in the end of the day I felt like I was a burden and the other party felt it was taxing to spend time with me.  I will never beg anyone to stay in my life and I’m more than happy to let go. No more going back and forth. The ties are finally severed for eternity. 

Malaysian airports are really inefficient! It made me extremely embarrassed when I was sending off my relative who was in distress as she was unable to use the kiosk to check in and we were running out of time. To make matters worst when I tried to ask for help from the personnel, they were indifferent and asked me to queue up at the manual check in counter which had a long queue and I was positive my relative might miss her flight. What’s the point of having so many kiosk machines but it is non functional and staffs that are useless. While in the queue, a couple from Guang Zhou was curious as to why I am able to converse in mandarin and their curiosity got the best of them resulting in the guy asking me how do I know mandarin? We then exchange a short conversation which comprise of how efficient airports in China are and they have lots of counters etc. The most awkward moment was when the guy remarked that he thinks Malaysian Chinese are very friendly, unlike Singaporean Chinese who t