Sweetie's World

“植物有刺是为了保护自己，我心中的刺是为了什么？” which says "plants have thorns to protect themselves, what is the purpose of the thorn in my heart?". This was one of the captions I put on a photography project for my secondary school Mandarin language class and I was quite happy with myself for coming up with it. However, to feel what was described is quite unpleasant.  I realize I barely talk about what I feel in the workplace because I thought everything was a professional exchange and should not involve feelings. It is also a reason why I dislike forming friendships with my co-workers because somehow there will be situations at work where it could jeopardize things or make a working environment hostile. I am old enough to know about politics at the working environment and I should be able to maneuver myself through it unscathed. However today, I couldn't help feeling repulsive having to work with people who actually talk behind my back. They call it "venting out" but I do not appr

 A week has flown since my anxiousness struck me so hard during my husband's surgery. It shows me that emotions and feelings are often temporary and there is a need to control which feelings should be suppressed. I have finished the book "You are not so smart" and it did affect me in a way that I now understand how the law of attraction or feng shui works, well at least it gives me a different perspective. To conclude I think the book made me a better person overall although there will still be certain things that I want to continue believing such as the comfort of seeing certain signs that reassure me even if it would mean that I am "not so smart".  Today, out of the blue it struck me that my young self would have looked up to my current self. I am not extremely accomplished but if I were to rewind time and trace back the "ambitions" I used to write down, I have achieved more than half of it right now. However, I find the adult me to be plagued with g

 I am positive the thermostat in the hospital was wrong. At 24 degree Celsius I would be enjoying the temperature without any blanket. I just realised this error as I returned to my rented room that is feeling like a furnace right now. Based on the weather app on my phone the temperature now is 28 degree Celsius whereas the temperature at home is 19 degree Celsius, this is an extremely huge difference and I am feeling rather tortured by the hot weather. If there isn’t any mosquitoes and I’m not living in a dengue prone area I would definitely just sleep outdoors tonight but then again my house owner’s house is not gated. I doubt my room is 28 degree Celsius as the walls are still emitting heat and my bed feels so warm, I think the heat from the earlier 35 degree Celsius have not completely dissipated from my room. I think my thermoregulation centre is working really hard these past few days being subjected to extremes of temperature and it explains the nasal congestion I had momentaril

 He was wheeled into the operating theatre at 1108 and the screen shows he is at the holding bay. At around 1127 someone shout out his name from the operating theatre doors and I attended immediately. “Hi dr (my name) I’m dr “Sleep”, don’t worry he is ASA 1 and he will be fine”. I felt a great sense of relieve knowing who is the anaesthetist and all I could reply was “thank you, I’m so glad I get to meet the anaesthetist and I am just concerned about the post operative nausea and vomiting later on”. He reassured me that all will be well and told me the surgery will begin soon.  So I saw the screen says “operating theatre” at roughly 1130 and I was thinking that he probably will be under in 15 minutes and then the surgery will take about 1 hour to 2 hours as most and probably by 1400 he will be at the recovery bay. So I prayed and waited while updating family members and playing GBM to past time. I was so composed that I doubt I am still myself. I bought myself a cup of camomile tea and

  If I could always choose, I want to be at the giving end and not the receiving end. This is because in order to give you are never at a deficit or lack and you are in control.   Today I am playing the role of a person accompanying patient (PAP) and I really dislike this role. I am honoured to be there for my family but at the same time I feel really nervous about the whole process. We went to the hospital at the required time and had everything sorted and prepared to avoid any unwanted delays or hiccups. The time given to us for admission was 0730 and by the time all the formalities are completed, we find ourselves in a squeaky clean hospital bed at 0815. The consultant surgeon came in and examined my loved one and asked the staff nurse to apply a marker on the area that is going to be operated on. All these are standard procedures to prevent operating on the wrong site and it is in par with Safe Surgery Saves Lives (SSSL) initiative. I thank the surgeon although I find myself to be

Tonight a brilliant pink moon decorates the sky, it was supposed to be a “strawberry” moon since it is said to be pink but with the naked eye it just looks extra orange to me. I badly wanted to view the moon a little longer but the clouds had better plans of engulfing the moon’s beauty and shielding her from my lustful eyes. Indeed I find the moon to be a very attractive celestial object with lots of mystery. I once heard the elders say that people with mental illness tends to get extra psychotic during the full moon, I’m not sure what is the basis of that. Other than that we usually do not purchase crabs during the full moon as the bright moon light causes crabs to have difficulty to feed on their prey and are thus skinnier and less meaty. Some biodynamic farmers also uses the moon to time their farming activities. It just so happens that my ruling planet is the moon and maybe that is why I feel rather fascinated by it.   Lately someone have consulted me regarding their health and I w

I wish there will be a day that I can free myself from the prison that I create. A prison where I am the only prisoner and my turbulent thoughts are my tormentors. There are times where I feel I have overcome a lot of emotions but then there is this sudden surges of heartache that comes uninvited. “Sudden misses” was what he used to say and I do not think it is healthy for me to miss someone who will never have anything to do with me for the rest of my life. Seeing the “deleted account” on discord was rather disheartening and it felt like the left over chats without his nick name becomes meaningless. Did he despise me so much? The way he treated me and the people who he ever cared for was so different. He held on to the memories he had with others but with me, it’s like I never existed. Well, these are all my side of the story and assumptions and whatever he did, is his right, for his own good. I guess the tactic of drowning myself in work doesn’t block out the things I want to block a

Are you afraid of the dark? I used to be afraid until I told myself that darkness is just the absence of light. Somehow it makes me less afraid when I think in this manner and any minute amount of light during darkness is often comforting. Similarly, I think loneliness is just the absence of companionship but the only difference is that even if I am surrounded by people, it does not bring comfort but aggravates the fact that I am unable to find someone who could synchronize well with me. For me, companionship is rather rare, and unless it is your spouse, it doesn't last forever as people move on to different stages of their lives. Therefore, if one is not able to find companionship in their spouse, it goes to say that they live a life that is quite lonely. Somehow as I am writing this, Lucy Wyndham-Read the YouTube fitness coach crosses my mind.  Lucy is an amazing person who has made lots of free videos on weight loss and healthy diets which are easy to follow and they do not take

I finally found a term to explain what I was doing when I fell in Love. Or perhaps right now I still want to find reasons to explain myself but I actually couldn't because I acted purely on emotions and there were no rationalization or reason. Chapter 12 of the current book I am reading had the subheading called "Apophenia" and it demystified everything I had thought to be magical. It debunked all the things I thought were beautiful coincidences and I cringe as I read through the chapter as I could feel the entire chapter was describing my behavior so well. Everything so magical only had its magic because I had put magic into it. And to burst my bubble, all the coincidences were a routine part of life or just mere random chances.  I also learned a new term called "pareidolia". Speaking about pareidolia, I committed the error of thinking that the clouds had gathered in such a manner that it left a space of blue sky in the shape of a heart. Seeing that, I thought

Today I decided to watch the last few episodes of The Blue Whisperer, a Chinese drama that I have wanted to finish in 2022 but seems to have dragged on until now. The only reason I watch it is because it has Dilreba Dilmurat in it. I think she is the most perfectly created human being and is blessed with many creative talents such as acting, dancing, and advertising. I had to pause watching episode 41 after watching episode 40 as it made me teary and before I could regulate my emotions I started to cry uncontrollably. The last I felt immense heartache was a year ago and looking back I just feel that time passes so fast and I had spent quite a significant amount of time to free my heart. In the end, the whole theme was about people falling in love and sacrificing themselves in the name of duty and altruism, leaving their loved ones alone. This is what I could conclude so far but I have yet to watch the last episode and I am hoping the ending will be a happy one since in these fantasy dr

 I’m so happy to be relieved of many duties as a registra as I have completed my registra posting and is demoted back to a normal officer. It does sounds weird I know but that is how it functions at the place I am doing my training so as to give other trainees the chance of doing registra calls. I thought I will be extremely happy and would celebrate but surprisingly I felt the celebratory effect only for a brief moment. Perhaps I do love the responsibilities and it felt great to be able to do almost 99.99% of the decision at work. It also reminds me of the reason why I wanted to further my studies and climb up the career ladder - so that I could have a part in making decisions. The posting also made me learn a lot of human nature and management skills. I’m not into administrative work and did not really enjoy it much but I know eventually I will have to be involved and the only thing I can do is to change my mindset and learn to love administrative work.  Maybe it is the nature of a f

  We often hear that the moon is brighter overseas or the grass is greener on the other side. However only when we actually experience the other side will we actually know if it is really better.   I find my neighbour to be absent for quite some time since my return from Singapore and it took me another 3 weeks to actually send him a text to ask if he was on a long vacation. He told me he got married and wanted to invite me but I was not around and have moved out to live with his wife. I often thought his room should be cooler as the sun only shines on one surface of the wall in the evenings whereas my room gets two surfaces exposed to sunlight. I also assumed his room would be more quiet as my room acts as a shield for the noise that comes from the main road. I also thought changing environment would be good for me. So I told the my landlord that I want to take a look at my neighbouring room.  Whatever I had assumed was correct. It was cooler, it was less noisy and it was much bigger

  今晚和丈夫聊天，感觉他无法像以前一样有耐心的和我说话。   我也发现在他的言语上多了一个 “ 嫌弃 ” 我的感觉。   之前如果我说我怕或我担心，他会问问我 “ 怕什么呀？讲给我听听看 ” 。   现在呢他就说 “ 你什么都怕什么都担心的啦 ” 。其实他这样的反应让我觉得他无法好好的听我想说的话，他不再是以前那个最棒的聆听者。   我有直接和他说我觉得和他沟通真的很难，   他不给我机会说话就批评我了。 有时心真的感到有点累。   我很努力的想办法去经营我们这段感情，可是他好像有了一些让我感到失望的变化。   我所做的错我都认错了，也学习了做了个妻子该和异性有边界感。他是个孝顺的孩子，他说要我回去我们的家乡工作，这样能陪我们俩的父母。   他说我们还有很多时间可是父母在世的时间是有限的。 我和他说以岁数来谈，的确我们时间会比较多，可是人生无常，我们的命有多长都不轮到我们来决定。 我知道他好像不是很明白他现在多了一个妻子在身边，因为他真的还活在自己的世界里。   我的需求他有时记得有时忘记。   刚才我真的觉得很无奈，连讲话都觉得累。同时心里又想着不该想的事。我记得有一次我和别人有不同的意见时，都是好好的商量，开口都是在吐莲花，句句都有爱心。   我知道丈夫和我认识了十六年，可能也对我感到很腻了。   可是我在视频里看到一句 “ 爱，不是和新的人做旧的事而是和旧的人做新的事 ” 。   我一直在想办法要和他做很多很对新的事，想带他国内旅行（因为他说放不下工作，我想我带他玩两天因该行吧）、想为他做饭、想在菜园帮他、想在金马伦的景点拍情侣照。   我很想重新和他恋爱。   我们不打算生宝宝，此生我就只有他陪伴我。   可是他现对我说话的态度也出了问题。   他刚才有道歉可是他没哄我。   我也没对他大声，   因为我学习人要会调理自己的情绪才能青出于蓝而胜于蓝！   我是一个聪明的人， 我今晚不会浪费我的泪水或时间去想为何他不哄我。   丈夫不懂的哄自己的妻子是丈夫的损失。   今晚我还有很多东西想和他商量，可是看开都不适合商量了。   下个月是他的生日，   我之前只会包个红包因为他是一个非常挑剔的人，我不想买一份他不想要的礼物。   我懂他，带他选衣服我就能了解他。他也是一个很理性的人，所以买对礼物比惊喜还要重要。   我想到的方式就是选几样东西然后问问他喜欢哪一

最近天气真的很闷热，我加了一个小型的携式空调也无法让我的房间变凉。   这导致我的睡眠质量变差，加上今天我比平时早了一个小时起床，   现在的我真的有点困了。   其实我现在刚在图书馆的桌子上小睡了半个小时可是觉得好像更累的感觉。我觉得我无法好好吸收我所温习的课业，可是如果叫我打电玩我又可以提起精神。   幸好我的闺蜜给了我个办法来帮我记得我所温习的课业  -  就是再和她说一遍我所的东西。 我真的很希望下个月能去我丈夫的家住一个星期，因为那边的天气的确比我这边凉很多。   每天放工我都不敢回到我的房间因为我觉得我体内所有的水份都会蒸发！   我很敬佩那些可以在这种恶劣天气下禁食的人。   再多两个星期就是开斋节，到时金马伦高原又要回复交通阻塞的日子。   所以我会劝亲朋戚友如果他们想到金马伦玩，就得斋月时候去。   我试过短短的五公里的路程花了差不多一个小时的时间，真是在浪费生命。   不懂我国的道路和交通部长会何时想办法改善这个令人困扰的问题。   最没脑的事是限制了那些运输水果蔬菜的车，不能在周末十点至三点进行运输工作。人家做生意赚钱也是为国家好，可是一些没脑的官员尽然能制定不合理的规则。   换是我，我会限制私家车，同一个时间提供很多的公共巴士到金马伦所有旅游区。   这样政府能赚巴士费的钱，不干扰做生意的人，也让想到金马伦的游客能轻松的用所提供的巴士。省大家的时间又能把路上的车大量减少。   而且斋月交通都很顺畅，证明了是游客用着私家车导致严重的交通阻塞。   好了不说了，越说我心里越愁，国家有太多 “ 烂 ” 领导人。   图书管快要关起来了，我换去另一个地方吹空调。   今天早上听了这首 歌 ，   感觉歌词很有意思，歌曲也大约五分钟长，我准备着去上班时就听了四遍，   原来我只需要大约二十分钟的准备时间。   希望今晚可以比较凉因为现在好像很多云，   我看我能早点运动啦！

I will never alter narratives to fit my reality, nor will I lie to myself. However, the author David McRaney stated that "the big picture is a lie, nurtured by your constant and unconscious confabulation, adding up to a story of who you are, what have you done, and why." This sentence made me wonder if most parts of my memories are being altered. I tried experimenting by recalling my memories with my partner and everything seems to tally very well. Events that took place 16 years ago, both of us remembered the fine and important details without correcting the other person. Probably because we often reminisce about the past and thus the story remains the same with no addition or subtraction to it. However, I did notice that I could not recall some of the missing pieces from the past and surprisingly he had trouble recalling too. I wonder why both of us could not remember how we got to Resorts World Sentosa to visit the underwater world and the water theme park. I realize there

There is more to life than what we perceive. Some days we might feel that the burden we carry is so heavy and we just want to give up but there are also days when things are going so well that we feel everything is possible. Whatever we are feeling is the consequence of how we choose to feel. However, talking to a patient today made me feel that a lot of the time my problems are so tiny compared to whatever I see in the hospital. Today was one of those unfavorable days whereby I was suddenly scheduled to look after the intensive care unit (ICU). I love intensive care medicine but do not appreciate that I was randomly assigned to work there and it was only for a day. In my opinion, it is best to assign people working in the intensive care monthly if not a fortnight at least to ensure there is continuity of care. Oh well, I tried my best today to give the best care I could give and amidst of providing care, I had a chat with a patient who was supposed to be transferred out of the ICU. Th

I have attended tomb sweeping day with my family before at my dad’s hometown which involves going to the actual grave yard where we will do a proper spring cleaning and bring offerings to place by the tombstones of our deceased relatives. Today I experience tomb sweeping at a columbarium, it is much more comfortable as everything is within the building and there is no sun exposure although the weather was still humid. I personally do not know the procedures or ritual to tomb sweeping and just follow whatever the elders do. This time I followed whatever my husband did. Other than purchasing items to burn for those in the afterlife (oh the items are quite interesting these days, there’s even imported cars with tailored plate numbers), food items are also prepared to invite our deceased relatives to “eat” (at the columbarium I went, only vegetarian food items are allowed so we cannot bring any meat). My dear husband made a childlike yet truthful remark that the food items some people brin