Sweetie's World

I still feel lost sometimes when I can't hear from you. I guess Gunbound Mobile (GBM) is the only consolation that I have for now but you reminded me before, that it may not last for long. If suddenly today GBM decided to shut down, I guess that would be the end of me having the chance to interact with you and this thought made me feel sad. Am I addicted to the dopamine surge I get whenever we play as a team? This could be a possibility and I am still trying to understand why I have an addiction to the concept of "us". My mind often generates a lot of scenarios where we are a couple and maybe because we have not seen the dark side of each other, it is hard to imagine us being unhappy with one another. Maybe our relationship was stunted at the "moon landing phase" because it only lasted for a few weeks and I had pulled back knowing that I should not proceed. So it stays there and it will always remain there - where both of us could only remember being deeply infa

总是不习惯没收到你的消息。   这是我心里一直都在挣扎的事。   当我知道不会再听见你任何消息时就感觉好像自己有呼吸困难，喘不过气。   可是我知道就算不习惯，   随着时间的流逝一切都能变成一种习惯。   我还在适应没有你的日子，因为我闺蜜说我本来的生活就根本没有你  -  是我自己把你添加到我的生活里。 虽然你不能逗留在我生活里，如果我有权利选择，   我还是很想继续让你住在我心里的一个角落。同时也觉得角落那个地方根本都不适合你，   因为我知道如果你想住在我心里你想占据一个很大的空间也想变成我心里的中心点。   我觉得好过我浪费时间一直纠缠不清自己的情绪，不如把我的感觉写下来。   也许未来当我再回顾过去我会觉得自己真的好复杂好傻。   我们之间的事我失控了也失去把你光明正大的留在我生活里做我的红颜知己。   我一直不能接受这件事也因此让身边的人觉得我没放下。   我想我们彼此都在努力去追求理想的生活，   也不应该浪费时间或心思在那些不会带给我们任何价值的事情。说道理我也会，   可是自己却做得不够好，脑子还是陆陆续续想不该想的往事。   我很珍惜你带给我的欢乐时光，   也因为如此当你离开那些开心的事也随着你离开我。   没有一个人可以像你一样让我玩线上游戏时感觉好自在好轻松。   不懂你会介意吗如果我们输了，   我只觉得不管是赢或输，   我都玩得很开心。如果时间可以再倒数回去我很想回到去年的一月三十日。   可是我不懂我们没相遇会更好还是再次相遇然后体验不同的关系会更好呢？有时我觉得没相遇就省下很多的眼泪很多的痛，同一个时候也导致我们体验不了所经历的美好日子。   我知道我该把美好的事放大把伤心的事缩小，   可是当一切只剩下回忆，   我想要的是回到有你和我的日子。   我觉得我想太多了。   没关系，   我的感觉是属于我的，   我可以继续折磨自己或选择深呼吸喘一口气，   然后提醒自己这一切只是暂时性，时间会淡化一切。   我真的很想你。 加油！  

  It is the 6th day being in a huge campus attending a course and sleeping in their student hostel. To be fair for a rate of MYR15 per night the hostel wasn’t so bad but if I were to rate the cleanliness of the place, I would only give it a 2/10. It made me reminisce about the times I stayed in a hostel for 4 years during undergraduate but it was a very nice hostel with an apartment style layout. Back then I was given a 3-bed room which means I have 2 other roommates but somehow 60% of the time one of the bed was not occupied so I basically only have 1 roommate and I was glad as I’m not into sharing when it comes to living space. I could still recall the unpleasant feeling of having to stay with another person with different habits and Circadian rhythm. However as humans we tend to recall the past to be milder than it was. I remembered my anger and frustration with my roommate who sleeps very late thereby having the lights on and prints course work at 2am. Printers those days were quit

So I decided to lower my head and go back to begging the clan master to let me back into my previous clan. I think since my flag suits the name of the clan, it is only fitting for me to join back the clan. I am never ever gonna leave the clan anymore regardless of any circumstances and to show my sincerity I donated 120 gems which equals to 240 clan points. Of course clan master is not going to easily allow me to be submaster after entrusting me previously and I let her down. I do suspect clan master is a girl although I could be wrong. I suddenly feel so alive to be back there and although the members ignore me most of the time it is just nice to have a sense of belonging I think. Anyway during my short term as submaster since November, I did recruit a number of active players. I’m not sure if clan master finds me annoying for spamming the clan chat room with welcome messages whenever a new member comes or me being a little naggy about earning clan points for the clan. Now I will real

我是一个很执着的人也就因此很常受苦。 我总是无法轻易的放下轻易的松开自己的双手。今晚又被丈夫斥责，他觉得我一直钻牛角尖，永远离不开自己设给自己的枷锁。其实，我也没想到自己会为了一些线上游戏而感到难过。更深入的分析的话，其实也没有任何人在我的氏族里正真在乎我的存在 （以前有，可是他也不玩了），而且很多族友都非常不听话，总是不会为自己的氏族累计分数。我也不懂自己为何把副族长的身份看得太重。我知道我太沉迷了，也花了很多时间在游戏上。可是那些玩游戏的日子我都很开心！我也不曾后悔而且如果给我选择我想天天都能玩游戏。我真的很想回到我的氏族，再次和一些族友玩。 我该厚着脸皮再申请回到氏族里吗？我也不懂什么才是最对的选择。丈夫还说我可以去参与更强大的氏族为何偏偏只要旧的氏族。我也有想过氏族不是我创办的，随时都有可能性被踢出去，因此更不应该太执着。 难道我得自己创办新的氏族然后做族长吗？其实我要的话根本都不是问题因为自己也累积了六万个金币而创氏族只需要五万个金币。我也打算在二月买乌龟的情人节系列的车，这样我射我的炮时就会有很多心形出来。这也是让我很期待的事因为我去年错过了，当初觉得不值得，现在觉得想要就买吧因为分红色的乌龟车很可爱！ 我真的好想念我的氏族呀~! 今晚痒痒男又约我吃晚饭，其实我根本都没准备原谅他，所以就拒绝了他（虽然我是很想去吃晚餐因为自己也只剩鸡蛋罢了）。我和他说“不要，我要和你保持距离”， 他只说“好的”。 我真的觉得如果不是因为他的恶作剧我也不会对某些字感到敏感。虽然不能怪他，可是我的确无法轻易的原谅他。 我好想快快过完接下来的三个星期因为我要回家过年了！虽然只有短短的假期，我很期待和我的狗狗们见面，和爸爸妈妈撒娇，和弟弟与弟嫂一起玩游戏，去我家婆的家玩拉米麻将 （这次我要赢多多钱！）所以我只希望这三个星期可以过的顺利然后平安的回家乡。 幸好今天没有肮脏猫跑进我的房间里。

I am really tired lately and I thought I was hallucinating when I think I saw a white object moved from my bed to the space beneath my bed. To make sure I am not seeing things, I peep under my bed just to see a flea infested ginger coloured cat looking at me in fear and was hissing aggressively. I wondered was it because of my carelessness or inattention that have resulted in the cat entering my room. Since I keep my room door shut there is no way the cat could enter unless someone let it in. I managed to grab it by the back of its neck and take it outdoors reprimanding it not to come into my room again. Thereafter I dusted by bed and checked for any dirt but could not find any and had thought that maybe when I opened the door to go into my room the cat sneaked in and so it was only in my room for a brief moment. Nevertheless, I felt rather itchy sleeping on my bed last night. It was likely psychological because the cat was very unkept with clear signs of skin infections. I do not seem

A series of events have shown me on how things work. It is also a turning point, an end point. It all started with the recent prank - an event that sensitised me to a certain word, the word in particular was “Mistress”. I know very well it has many different meanings and English is a very confusing language. However that sensitisation led me to feel extreme hurt when it appeared again in just a few days apart despite it indicating - female master. Maybe I thought the person would understand how I feel about that word since he appeared to be a very sensitive person himself and is able to pick up changes in emotions or read between the lines when he talk to others. That was how I remembered him.  I admit that my words used in my last post was indeed strong and it does reflect how I felt at that point of time. Yesterday I didn’t have a chance to reply or finish reading what he said and his profile disappeared from my chat screen. I just felt extremely sad with the remark that I can choose

It is funny that you have no idea what upsets me. You got it all wrong. Well, I don’t have to explain it to you as it never occurred to you how certain wordings are distasteful. Stay clueless because I always meant what I said. From the point of wishing you well to finding your love life, I meant every word I said. If you don’t believe me then check your own blog for comments as I dropped one on 4th of January. I’m not a hypocrite and I would never want to do anything to “keep” you when I have nothing to “give” you. Maybe I should help you jog back your memory as you probably have mixed me up with some other girls that you showered your affection on. I realized you say "I Love You" easily to just any person after reading your blog although that was a decade ago but I guess a person will not change much. I also realize your blog looks different on the Web and on my cellphone.  Anyway, when you get all lustful towards me on our game chat, I remembered telling you that I cannot

If you had really cared or loved someone, you would never say things that are insensitive to hurt the person. I know that words were deliberately used and it did hurt me. However, I am not you and I shall not be like you. Do not tell me we are similar anymore because all that was just an illusion that you created and I believed. I really wish that we have never known each other because in the end you are just an insensitive, inelegant person.   路遥知马力   日久见人心。   我以后不会再为你操心了。  

My partner often tells me he loves himself more than he loves me but his actions say otherwise. He is indeed not a man of words and is unable to use words to make me feel loved. In fact most of the time I felt a slight annoyance that he just didn't say the right things at the right time and I would often snap at him. I think he have every right to be mad at me for snapping at him but instead, he would apologize and ask me what would I want him to do. I do not want to end up being the stereotypical wife featured on a lot of social media from China where the husband is practically a hand-pecked husband and the wife is so controlling and authoritative. I do reflect whenever I snap at him and feel extremely horrible about it. I think between the two of us my Emotional Quotient (EQ) is extremely low when compared to his and I wouldn't boast that my Intelligent Quotient (IQ) is higher because he seems to be able to learn things quite quickly and ask me relevant questions whenever I s

It’s almost 2am and I am wide awake because of a very bad prank pulled by my colleague/friend. Let’s just call him itchy boy because that is practically the nickname me and my husband had for him in mandarin ( 痒痒男 ). Well, he does live up to the nick name as he have no reservations in saying stuff to indicate that  he is quite a horny person. I’m not sure if it’s all just talk but a few of the examples are as follows:  telling me my female colleague butt is so huge that he wants to bury his face in her butt (eww…which I responded with “oh you like butt smell?)  Replying me with “find a whore to bang” when I wished him happy new year and asked him how is he celebrating (*facepalm)  Sending me inappropriate images when the topic was about possibility of going back to national service. I never follow the news so I didn’t know that the county is going to reopen National service which I have never attended nor did my sibling and we have no interest in attending. That image was with a captio

The other day I encountered a very irritable superior and I thought she got up from the wrong side of the bed. I consciously avoided her knowing that she had scolded some juniors for something trivial. A week later we somehow got the opportunity to talk and she shared that she was feeling pretty horrible at the start of her intermittent fasting journey. I think I could comprehend her feelings as I too did intermittent fasting before. The reason I did it was to shed all the weight I gained during my primary exam but I think just by intermittent fasting alone the effect isn't great as I was losing muscle mass. After I paired it with exercise, I felt my body was less flabby and toned and I looked healthier. It has been more than a year since I practiced intermittent fasting and I get to maintain my weight and eat to my heart's content. However, lately, I decided to resume intermittent fasting as part of my spiritual journey and to prepare myself to eat one meal only so that I don&

Lately, I feel my brain is not as functional as it was, and looking at some of my work from the past makes me feel like reaching out and embracing the old me because I am rather impressed by what I have accomplished in the past. One thing that I no longer do often is journaling which I think is a good practice despite recycling all my journals as I felt it was rather embarrassing to re-read them and some of the entries make me cringe. I somehow stumbled on one of my write-ups in 2011 and I wonder if we do a plagiarism check will it pass the plagiarism check because I am quite entertained with what I wrote. The funny thing is, I do not remember much writing that piece of homework. I think I will paste it here to keep it as a memory and as a reminder that I can write stuff that is exciting (at least for me it is). My dear younger self, where are you?  Cult Practice I have always been fascinated by cult practice. A cult in my own understanding is a belief or ritual which is accepted and p

I dislike asking for help or depending on others because no one in this world is dependable. Even if there is, it is like a unicorn - rare (no, non-existent). So 2024 has begun and the prediction is that I will need to be careful with finances just 3 days into 2024 I am overseeing expenditures that are beyond my capacity. I felt rather disappointed that my upcoming trip to the most expensive country in Southeast Asia would cost me more than 1 month's salary because I didn't have a place to stay. The only reason I made the decision to attend the conference there was because I found a free place to lodge and I had already planned to wrap a red packet as a show of gratitude to the host. I think people absent-mindedly say "yes" to people never knowing how their last-minute change of offer would impact on others. I think I don't have a right to be angry as I do not know the person at all (my mom knows her) and I am asking for a favor. I just felt a little mad at myself

My best friend sent me a message "Happy New Year 2023A", I was confused and asked her what that meant but I think she had slept off by the time I replied at 2 am. It is just my luck that I seem to spend most of my New Year's eve at my workplace and last night it was for an atypical reason as I was supposed to be post-call. I had a tasty meal of red bean curd 3-layered pork with organic cabbage leaves and bulls-eye eggs and washed my meal down with my favorite Hoegarden Rose. I was also enjoying some clips of my favorite actress - Dilraba Dilmurat on YouTube and was planning to have a video call with my Loved ones to welcome the New Year. Somehow my colleague called at 2230 and since I was postcall I was worried if there were any problems with my passover and decided to call back (my phone goes into auto sleep mode after 2130 and therefore I never noticed the call). My college wanted my help to get vascular access for a 3-month-old, 7.2kg infant as the infant was supposed