Sweetie's World

 今天你说你到了一个能最早看日出的地方， 可是你说那个地方的入门票大约100多。 我说你肯定要去，我也知道你可能觉得这个价格有点贵所以我问了你两遍一百多是多少可是你没回答我。 我从来没有觉得你付不起这笔钱，我只是清楚你若觉得不值得你就不会出这笔钱。 我希望明天你真的付钱去看看日出。 我很想帮你出这个入门票，但是也不是无条件的。 我想要你把日出录给我看。 我很希望你能感受你旅途中所带来的美好。 我也很希望总有一天你的眼神是充满阳光的。  我知道你不是个冷漠的人， 每次觉得你的眼神和为人非常不一致。 今晚你说你交了个新朋友也和我说你泡脚了。 我想今晚那边是不是很冷呀？ 我想你睡着了所以也没回复我的信息。 我也觉得你是不会回答我门票是多少。 如果我现在转钱给你可能会吵醒你， 那么我明天凌晨5点30分转给你，相信你来得及看日出。 我先去看看到底你那边的日出会是几点。 晚安  哎呀我搜了，门票是要一天前买而且是建议凌晨4-430到景点静等日出。 不懂你会不会去呢？ 希望你会去。 

 今天突然聊起路上遇到的人他到底有没有加好友。他说之前一路上加的好友都没聊天过所以也没有再主动加但是也不抗拒别人加他。 我想起了当初是我加他好友位了问有关烘焙的问题。 真没想到他答复并且我们从陌生变得相当熟悉。 我无法说我们很熟但是绝对比一般的朋友熟悉。 我说了一句谢谢他接受我的好友他也补上了一句谢谢我加了他好友。 我又想起游戏里是他先加我好友因为我不敢和他玩觉得他很厉害我有点菜。 所以我又说谢谢你游戏里加了我好友。 反正后来他问我今天是感恩节吗？我说感恩不需要节日。  他就说了一句 “感恩有你 （双手合十的帖子）x2” 我也同样回复了一模一样的句子。 我相信他那句话是真心的， 我也一样真的感恩有他。 昨天我看了一个视频有关喜欢，觉得视频反应了我的心声。 我喜欢和他的互动， 喜欢关注他。 那个视频是我微信里看的， 就是由遇心咨询室发的《原来这才是喜欢一个人最好的状态》。  好啦我困了我想睡觉明天继续做更好的自己。 我很喜欢现在的我。 周末我真的把该做的做好也上了网课。我要继续喜欢他，他不需要喜欢我。 晚安 对了我的巴西朋友突然消失其实我有点担心他同时也觉得他这样突然消失有点过分。 没关系我觉得我真的已经习惯了世间的无常。 我祝福他。

As long as we never meet, we will always be able to keep our friendship. Yes, this is the conclusion I have made. I think it would be pretty awkward to meet. Our cultures are slightly different, and it would be really daunting to communicate in real life. At least with distance apart and with the aid of the internet, I could still Google certain words he say which I do not understand. Example I learned a few words like 凉飕飕，一语成谶， 又双叒叕 and many more. It is really fun learning and talking to him but I think it is because I have the time to slowly learn and digest the words I learn. Our conversation would be dysfunctional if we were to meet and speak, and I don't want to feel less coherent. Half a year, and I have used up the 1000 yuan I topped up in my WeChat wallet. I stopped myself from topping up so that I would not have the impulse to send him red packets. I know my capacity and limitations. Besides, I do not want him to feel like I am paying him to be my friend. That really is pa...

I haven't calculated how many red packets I have sent him, and I'm sending one now as a money transfer, since the upper limit for red packets on WeChat is 200 (or perhaps I don't know how to adjust it). No, he is not a scammer, nor does he say anything improper. Knowing his background gave me the impulse to want to be his fairy, genie, or whatever that could make his life better. His life is wonderful as he is living his dream, cycling around his country and enjoying various picturesque sceneries and food. He do not at all exude any lack and he gives me the impression of being contented.  However, his eyes are really blank. It felt lifeless. No matter how much I tried to look at his eyes from the photos he post on his social media, I just felt it was lacking of passion and spirit. It really didn't match his kind easy-going nature that he portrayed. When I asked my friend to take a look at his photo, I got the same feedback - his eyes is empty. Sometimes I do wonder why ...

 Today I feel stuck again, just like how I used to feel trying to forget someone trying to wash away memories that no longer bring me happiness but sadness. Perhaps it is because today is also III’s birthday (coincidentally same day as the birthday of my Love one). I don’t know why I have to think of him and the times we played Gunbound together and he taught me how to use Beetleking. I’m back to thinking about what could have been if I did not play Gunbound with him. I definitely will have less sadness. I think I just cannot understand the part where he just ignored me. I have told myself over and over again there is nothing to understand, just move on. Thanks to him I no longer befriend anyone online after that. The friends I have online are the ones I know prior to knowing him and he taught me a good lesson to never invest too much time and energy into online friendships.  I can’t tell this to anyone because it’s an internal war within me. There is also no point in sharing ...

 A tragedy took place a few months back. Our beloved golden retriever passed away at a young age. She was only 5 years old on 23rd January this year, and we were just saying how she gave us 5 beautiful years. I really thought we could have another 5 beautiful years or more. However I am used to deaths and parting and goodbyes so I know I can overcome the emptiness I feel and time heals. Sadly I couldn't say the same for my brother and his wife because they spent all their time with her at home and she is part of them. Both of them work from home everyday and the joy of being at home mainly revolves around Ginger their beloved pet/ daughter. Yup, both of them treated her as their baby daughter as they do not have any children and I think Ginger have the best life a pet could ever have.  I think I will never have a pet ever again after losing 3 pets in a span of 1 year. However I could not deny that pets bring a lot of joy and comfort and perhaps the price of losing them is not ...

 I think I would have preferred if  Three is being removed from the group and I do not have to see his presence anymore because it doesn't give me a happy feeling to see him. I wish the group could be back to how it was before Three was in it. Actually he was in it before and was removed and I joined later than him. I do regret the time I talk to the admins to take him back and since then he have not done anything annoying enough to get kicked from the group. I just don't want to see him at all. Yesterday he tagged teacher in the group for a red packet and I think I do feel a little jealous about it. Three used to tag me when we were friends and until this day I despise the feeling of him not saying anything and just ignoring me which pushed me to delete him. I hate him.  I noticed that ever since I started doing task on GunboundM it takes a lot of my time or perhaps I no longer enjoy it the way I used to. I like playing score as I love the interactions with my partner. I...

 Okay I’m so excited the whole day about my achievement that I am so tired right now and I want to get to bed stat!  My parents sat in the car without any complaints about my driving today and it was the first time they allow me to drive them for approximately one and a half hours!  Teacher seems distant today but I am okay with that. I’m so looking forward to drive my parents to the main town next time. I hope they let me. I feel super empowered! 

 Okay I am super sleepy now but I want to write about how I actually voiced message teacher the last 2 days. Actually it wasn't even a sentence, I just taught him how to say the word "premiere" and also cockles in one of the dialects is "see ham". I never voice message him cause I am pretty shy to do so besides Chinese language is not my first language. Anyway no big deal just a voice message and I think I am less nervous now to send voice messages but I am so glad that social media app these days allow voice to be converted into text and I still prefer sending text messages.  The past 2 days I dreamt of teacher. In the first dream it was very weird, I was looking into his room where it was really colorful and it had a lot of costume and he was wearing a blue dinosaur costume. That is all that I can remember. In the dream he did not notice me, he was looking at a mirror and just before he place the dinosaur head on his head, I caught a glimpse of him. Anyway I n...

 昨天你没有回复我但是我想我们说过我们的友情是没有约束的。也许你也不想讨论我问的问题，也许你想休息。后来我看你上线玩游戏可是已经有组了所以没有打扰。真没想过我们尽然遇到了但是你是敌方，我也输给你了。其实我想和你玩所以游戏里你是对手我觉得一点都不好玩。今早我发现你整个晚上没有让庄园里的小鸡睡觉我就觉得你一定没有想起我，因为如果你有想起我，你一定会让小鸡去睡觉。我这个逻辑会幼稚吗？当我想着你没想我的时候，突然你发个简讯给我让我看看你小鸡的日记因为里面是写着好友（也就是我）投喂了你的小鸡好多次。 上班时我又突然想起你，你又来个简讯，我想我真的别想你好了因为我开始会对你没有让小鸡回屋子睡觉的事感到非常在意。下班后我尝试换位思考，如果我是单身的然后有个已婚的男人对我特别好特别体贴还有很常送礼物给红包，我到底会有什么感受呢？ 我想我就会觉得他再好也是别人的老公。我想我能理解为什么老师不能对我热情或常常联络因为我是别人的老婆。那天看了一个视频说喜欢就喜欢，不需要去在意有没有结果或者对方在我们生活中有没有个适合的身份/名分。 反正我不会伤我的老公同时我也承认我喜欢和老师聊天但是老师不是我的理想伴侣因为他也说过他是固执的人。 也许我们大家都是固执的所以同一个能量互相吸引成为朋友。  现在晚上了你还是没让你的小鸡睡觉还让他饿着， 我已经没有饲料能喂他吃了。 我今晚喝了一点法国郎酒因为我相信喝了一点酒我能不生病…这是没有根据的可能我醉了， 晚安。 

 感觉今天特别冷可能自己快要发烧了。 最近看这一本叫 《烧不死的鸟就是凤凰》，感觉内容挺好的。 我想把这本书当成工具书然后看看今年我是否能突破自己。 今年剩下50个星期，这12天我到底做了什么呀？ 我有跑步但是好像跑步多，还是无法早起。 昨天是我连续值班的第七天，今天交班后我想着下班后想跑步结果下了一场大雨。我不但没跑步还买了蛋挞来吃… 我有后悔吃蛋挞吗？ 当然没有但是吃了蛋挞后我就连在家里做点运动的目标也没达成。 看来还是要惯着嘴巴。 我想老公一定受不了我那么胖因为他说买了可以帮助我减肥的产品。 其实我有点害怕因为那些帮助减肥的好像不能乱吃，我看过很多吃了这些东西肾衰或肝脏受损。 听说产品的成分蛮干净的是苹果醋之类的，糖果状。  我今晚感觉有点不舒服， 还是先睡觉吧。 原来我开始会在意一些我不该在意的事，但是我会赶快让自己不在意。 晚安。 

 今天是我认识老师一年了。今早刷牙的时候我就想查一查什么时候私聊老师，发现是1月5号下午4点多。 我好想和他说，没想到他早上发了信息给我！真的是大惊喜呀! 他说拉屎时手不小心在淘宝发了信息。我和他说今天是我私聊他一年了，但是他对此事没有给任何的回应，后来午餐时发了一张他吃午饭的位置给我看看，就在烤炉旁边因为这样能取暖。我们就在午餐时间聊了大约一小时多，一起摸鱼，嘻嘻嘻。  我想说的说完了，现在我想规划今年去旅行的愿望。我有和他说我想一个人到台湾旅行，他说那时候我们可以两岸相望因为如果一切顺利他那时候也会骑单车到达福建。我也和老公说了，希望老公能陪我去但是如果他不陪我我觉得我自己一个人去也相当安全因为台湾的犯罪率偏低而且本地人都很友善。我知道这些是因为家人也去过台湾，然后他们也觉得台湾好玩，很多友善的人。我想去一个星期，这样不会把工作丢下太久也不会玩得得意忘形。 突然觉得很兴奋因为二月我去爬沙巴的神山，然后如果能顺利爬到顶我好想计划去尼泊尔爬山。现在先规划好爬神山该做的准备。爬山票已经订好了，就是要订酒店和下山后如何再回到家乡。还要买好爬山的装备，我想买一些好看的装备好让我拍照是能更好看。 5/1/26 - 昨天忘了把写好的内容发上去。

 敏感的我突然发现这几天老师有点疏远。最后一次聊天是元旦那一天，我和他说我头疼后他也没有给任何回应。接下来的两天也没有消息，就在昨晚游戏里看到他就和他打招呼。他也礼貌上的和我道晚安然后说了好久不见。我们真的好久没打游戏，好像都有两个月吧。我也不清楚，只是知道很久没打游戏了。昨晚好想和他玩游戏可是他也没提出要一起玩所以我也让他自己享受游戏，没有再打扰。他应该很忙，我看他支付宝里的小鸡一直挨饿就知道他忙。我好向和他分享我看到的明月，但是到最后还是选着不发信息给他因为感觉他不想和我说话。我不懂大家平时是怎么沟通, 我自己认为最后一个信息没得到任何答复意思是说对方不想和我沟通。 今早在微信刷到一个视频有关如何判断自己喜欢上一个人，我听了视频后发现我喜欢老师。其实自己喜不喜欢我早就已经知道了，可是一直否认因为我想已经结婚了就不应该对其他异性动心。可是当我在知乎看了别人分享他们的想法就觉得自己想太多了。首先我很喜欢有个人说我们就算已婚也可以去喜欢别人因为人是多情的动物，但是我们如何去处理这个喜欢才是关键。现在我有出轨吗？没有。我还是深爱我的老公，还是要为我们的家庭奋斗，也会尽我所能去守护我的爱人。我是可以喜欢老师的，只要我清楚这个感觉是我个人的感觉而且不可以让任何人知道。就是我知道就行了。只要不说出来，只有我知道所存在的心动。  我想要的是能做长久的朋友，所以保持健康的距离才能维持我们美好的友情。去年我已经反反复复的期待他的消息，那么今年还是一样，我会耐心的等他的消息，不会主动去干扰他的生活因为当初是他的善意让我们能成为朋友， 不想失去就别把关系看得太重握的太紧。我没有因为这件事而无法正常操作，只是当我发现我心里带着期待，就知道自己需要检讨自己的感受。我没有难过也没有睡不着，我只是想念他。嗯，我想念他。  我希望他能找到他一直渴望的爱情，也希望群里的人帮他看掌相所推测的东西都是错的。不懂为什么说他的感情不会很幸福，这件事因该是半年前，我也不记得了因为群聊也给我删掉了。后来我有私底下再问看掌相的人可是一直没得到回复为什么他这样说老师感情里不会很幸福。我真的有点太爱管闲事哦。 为了让自己可以自由的爱，我设下了以下的规矩来保护自己和他人： 1）不准和他说我关心/在乎/喜欢或爱他 - 自己知道就好 2）他不主动发信息，我不准主动发信息给他，除非是过节，他生日...