My Feelings

Lately, I encounter many obstacles in life. Among the biggest of them all is believing in myself and being confident in myself. I would really love to blame my parents if I could but I know that "man becomes what he think of" and I have only myself to blame. I don't want to write about negative stuff but I do feel very insulted by my parents especially my dad.

"hopefully you can get a university placing, if you can't..." these are the words of my dad. Even my friends have faith that I can enter university and yet my own dad thinks otherwise. Am I really that bad? I feel very hurtful when my dad say things like this and it just makes me feel more and more inadequate. I have been stressing out about which university to go to and also endure so much of comments from relatives, friends and even outsiders.

Each time people see me they must ask about my future plans and then I will have to listen to them giving me advices and comments and most of all I have to hear all the discouraging words they utter. It is really hard and it makes me feel weak. I want to be strong and chose to believe what I want to believe but all these things are just killing my faith I have in myself.

I just wish people can stay out of my life and just interfere if they want to help me out. People these days are just too busybody or "kaypoh". I'm a "kaypoh" person myself at times and perhaps have pissed some people throughout my live too. I'm really sorry if I did but I really never mean to cause any negative effects.

I wish I can get a placing in a pleasant university as soon as possible and be on my own again, far from my family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but living with them isn't as happy as I have imagined. Things changed throughout the years I wasn't home. I no longer have my own bedroom and sleep with my parents in their room and it tortures me as I value my privacy a lot.
Right now, I don't have any space in my own house where I can decorate it in my own taste.

Worst of all I don't even have a place to go to when I feel down. I don't like to let my parents seeing me feeling down cause they usually misinterpret things and make me more miserable. Take for instance last week, they talk about how hard to get into university again, I really hate listening to those negative remarks, it kills my appetite. Therefore, as natural as it can be, I kinda wanted sometime on my own to cry and I chose my parents bedroom cause no one was there. Fate however was teasing me as my mom came into the room and saw me cry, she then scolded me instead of consoling me which make me cry harder and it just turns uglier and uglier.

I love my mom but she can be a pain at times and the same goes to my dad and it also apply to my little brother. (Darn charlene, you have loads to complain) I hate to complain, and I hate it when I am still complaining even though when I am conscious that I am complaining. But what I am going to say is pure fact.

• (After publishing my post I decided to omit the facts. I feel guilty and not loyal by complaining about my own flesh and blood...)

In short, I need to get into university then get a work and take charge of my life. Adolescence was more likely to be a piece of cake but Adulthood for me is a major breakthrough.

p/s: for those who care, please include me in your prayers that I passed my A levels with flying colours *smile