Since we are in different worlds, I am learning to rearrange my life. It is easier to think that we are at different universe, that way it is only rational that we couldn’t communicate. I still can’t help missing you at times despite knowing I should put every memory to rest. My phone asked me to send a text to you and everytime I typed “you” in my chinese simplified keyboard your name appears. I’m not sure how long will it take for me to be the person before we met. Don’t get me wrong, you did enhanced my life and made my life better. I just need to train myself to live without you. I am intelligent enough to know from the time I reciprocated to your feelings that it can’t go on forever because I already have my forever and we won’t lasts yet the irrational me wanted to live in the moment and disregard the warnings my guts were sending me. Rereading some of our messages I think the words that gives me comfort was from the pinned message “maybe the universe wanted us to meet to allow us to possess (experience) the sweetness between us”. Yeah, perhaps if I just continue to think it this way, it is easier to let go.
Kinda mind-blowing because it was all online and virtual but whatever emotions and feelings invested was real. I think by now you would have gotten tired of the same cycle over and over again. We know it’s not right from the start yet we just can’t put a stop to it. The first time I left without saying anything was the first time I have a massive break down after 12 years. It was hard for me and I persisted although I felt guilty to leave you without an explanation. I just couldn’t take it when you told me your energy left along with me, I just can’t leave you in that state so we reconciled. I guess the decision I made to keep in touch just prolonged our pain as we created more memories together.
In between it seems so hard to stay in our boundaries and we keep talking about transition about things like if you found the love of your life should you let me know or not. At one point I think you moved on and I didn’t because I was in denial and I am stuck. I was confused and no longer know what was the right thing to do and neither did you. The saying “all is fair in love and war” doesn’t seem to stand true. It just felt very unfair to have our feelings manipulated by fate. As long as we stay in touch, we continued to share about many things and ultimately we still gravitate back towards the other person. I have never felt such chemistry with anyone before and it was going on for such a long time despite we are just two strangers who met online and share a few common interests and ideas. I couldn’t explain later on how it lead to physical attraction despite never meeting you in real life. I only know that I put a lot of my heart into our relationship even thought knowing it’s futile.
My actual partner have always treated me right. However, when we first dated the passion fizzled within a month and he apologise for not being able to “keep the passion”. I was devastated yet the relationship seems to progress despite having a lack of passion. It became a very stable relationship and one that is lack in romance. We are both busy people and I realise sometimes I reply his text after a day or two. Despite the lack of romance it had a lot of trust and confidence, it was serene and peaceful. I was young and so was he, we progressed through our lives steadily and were very contented with each milestone we achieve individually. I had always liked the idea that I don’t have to loose myself just because I am in a relationship. And yes, a good relationship will make you achieve more and blossom into a better person.
You brought a different breath and vibe into what a romantic relationship should be. I am a sucker for romance and I grew up watching Disney - which I greatly regret now because I easily fall for romantic tactics. (I’m not saying you played with my heart, I’m just saying in general if someone wants to toy with me they just need to be romantic). As a grown woman sometimes when I view myself from a third person’s perspective, I feel like reacting with a face palm. Being a professional in my career I wish I could apply that same professionalism on the way I treat my heart. Like you told me before, don’t be a prey at least.
Thank you for teaching me what it means to be loyal, thank you for teaching me how to protect my heart. Thank you for telling me that “misery is optional”. You will be etched in my heart till the day my memories are taken away from me.
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