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Internal battles

Lately I came to a realisation that I have never fought any internal battles on my own. Whenever I am faced with difficult emotions there is always someone to guide me through, someone to give me reassurance and all I need to do was to fall back on the affirmations I received. Naturally I became reliant on others and I have no abilities to cope with complex emotions on my own. 


The people who always showed compassion and held me through ups and downs were either my better half, family or close friends. However out of everyone I often seek validation from my better half as he has an excellent emotional quotient and I admire his wisdom and level headedness. I feel safe to tell him everything and I never feel judged by him no matter what kind of predicament I am in. Believe me there are things in life I wish I could undo but despite my flaws he accepted me for who I am and still trusts me. 


Unfortunately, in the journey of revealing it all to him, I inadvertently became selfish and I seem to disregard the fact that he is also human. Being human, we have feelings and emotions and him being an extremely rational person does not equate to him being apathetic or emotionless. I never realise I have caused him a lot of pain by telling him how much I feel for another man. He kept telling me to reverse roles and try to think if I were in his shoes, but I was too absorbed in my own emotions and couldn’t walk in his shoes. I kept insisting that he do not understand what I am going through and secretly wish he was also placed in a similar situation like me so that he would comprehend. 


As I continued to dwell in my thoughts, for the first time in my life I know I have to face these internal conflicts within me on my own. Advices from my near and dear ones fell into deaf ears as my vision is tunnelled and I am now left with no one to turn to but myself. It also made me see that in life we need to be independent and learn to solve problems on our own. It is a little bit suffocating at times and I have never felt so alone and clueless in my entire life. Sometimes I do wonder what is the purpose to go through these experiences and how does it help in my growth. Was it a karmic debt that requires me to settle in this current life? Is it part of the tribulation that I need to overcome before I can connect with my higher self? So many questions but there’s no answers. 


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