Skip to main content

The subconscious mind

I had a dream last night and it was a peculiar dream. I dreamt of sneaking into another person’s room despite in real life that is impossible as the windows have grills and it wasn’t at the ground floor. Come to think of it, I never get to ask which floor you are staying at. 


It feels just like yesterday when we video called and you showed me your surroundings and later on gave me a tour of your entire living space. This action itself made me felt your openness and I felt very comfortable and at peace to interact with you. It is the same familiarity now that made me feel a nagging sense of lost. In my dream I dreamt that I was living in the next unit and somehow there’s a small platform jutting out just beneath our windows and I hop across to go into your room. However it didn’t look the same as it was before. There was the cupboard and the bed but the computers, table and chair were missing and the room did not house any of your belongings. 


I caught a glimpse of you passing by the partly opened door and you stopped for a second. I was feeling anxious that I broke into your room and quickly hop out the window and laid flat on the platform as I think I will be charged with trespassing for breaking into another person’s property. You walked into the room and look out the window but you didn’t notice me and you walked away briefly. I felt a mixture of complex feelings washed over me and then I woke up. 


I think it is difficult to let go of a person who treated you well with good intentions. It would have been easier if you had hurt me deeply and made me sad. Us exchanging too much information about our lives and daily routine did not help either. At some point you were also part of my routine and was a contributor to the colours of my life. The incorporation of your routine into my life unknowingly turned into a habit. I found myself looking forward to hear from you, to look at the sceneries that you often shared with me and most of all I enjoyed the activities we did together (GBM/ chatting/ watching movies/ listening to songs/ reading). 


To be practical I don’t know how we would feel if we met in person but what I am very sure about is I valued and appreciated our friendship throughout the short course of 4 months plus. I know none of us wanted to bend our principles and we were clear about our boundaries. I still cannot explain why we did what we did but let this be a reminder to us to always place our principles and values ahead because it really could save us from a heartbreak. Had I persisted and stayed loyal, I would still be having you as a friend till today and everything wouldn’t have to be so painful. 


Knowing you was a coincidence but leaving you was inevitable. I dislike surrendering to fate but if our friendship is meant to be, I believe we will be friends again in the future or next life. On the contrary, if it wasn’t meant to be, even if we walked past each other we will fail to recognise the other person. It will also signify that our bond is severed forever and whatever karmic ties we had is now nullified. We will just be two souls in parallel and our paths will never intersect anymore. 


Yes, this is how I feel and if I need to use a single word to describe it, it will be the word - Void. That explains the empty room I guess. 


I think I will be writing on and off as a therapy as I don’t think I can turn to anyone anymore about my troubles. I don’t think it will be healthy for you to read my blog anymore because it will not add further value into your life. I hope someday we could really heal from everything - not just about what we went through but also to heal from whatever encounter that had left you in pieces (I.e cat fish). Take care and stay focused on your goals. That is the best that we can do for ourselves and I will do the same too.  

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Singapore

Continuation from yesterday’s post.  I finally ate the ice cream which is sandwiched between two wafers that I saw before and it was yummy because there’s like a huge block of ice cream and the wafer was thin. I chose peppermint chocolate and raspberry swirl. It was really fun to eat that on the helical bridge that totally looks like a DNA strand. I really love this region and it was also the same place where the fun run was held. So I got to go across the helical bridge twice. I am also very happy to finally seen the Merlion and since it was early in the morning during the fun run, the place was rather quiet and there were not many crowds. I wanted to properly run the fun run but I end up walking most of the time just enjoying the scene and talking to people since it was supposed to be a networking event. Delegates from 142 countries were there but I only manage to make friends from Singapore, Hong Kong, Taiwan, India, Indonesia, Germany and New Zealand. It was quite hard to make ...

Pieces of My Shatterd Heart

I miss you, when you laugh, the twinkle in your eye, the shape of your silhouette against the moonlight, the way you concentrate when you drive, and tease me intentionally to make me smile I really miss you~~~~~ I like the time when we went out and it was raining you treated me like an ice cream afraid of me melting shunning me away from the water droplets falling and when I look up to see you I caught you smiling... Drowning in a pool of misery wondering how to change history to diminish my growing worry to seal you in my deepest memory Not having you means not having anything cause you are the one whom i can share everything its you i seek when the rays of dawn comes shinning don't you know that my heart is now shattering? When night comes the missing is unbearable cause its was always the time you are more available yet now even when the curtains of dusk falls I'm l...

拒绝

 今晚我好想和他玩游戏,可是没遇到他上线。 我知道可以微信叫他可是我比较喜欢随缘。 我一直想开局和他玩可是好友约了我所以这个月开局就是和我的朋友一起玩。 刚巧蓬松的龙下午也约我可是我下班后赶着去运动没时间和他玩。  我好像和我的坦克老师一起玩但是他只会叫我打友谊赛,今晚也一样他主动问我要不要1打1。 通常我是不会拒绝这样的邀请因为好想继续和老师学习,可是我觉得最近打了1打1还要被他说“险胜”,险胜个鬼。他根本把我打得很惨,他并没有险胜。我打不过他也一直让我感到少许的难过因为代表我还不能和他一起组。 我相信如果我有方法打败他,他一定会带我玩。  “好久不见” - 开始觉得一日如三秋的感觉。明天我们有缘一起打游戏吗?晚安