I had a dream last night and it was a peculiar dream. I dreamt of sneaking into another person’s room despite in real life that is impossible as the windows have grills and it wasn’t at the ground floor. Come to think of it, I never get to ask which floor you are staying at.
It feels just like yesterday when we video called and you showed me your surroundings and later on gave me a tour of your entire living space. This action itself made me felt your openness and I felt very comfortable and at peace to interact with you. It is the same familiarity now that made me feel a nagging sense of lost. In my dream I dreamt that I was living in the next unit and somehow there’s a small platform jutting out just beneath our windows and I hop across to go into your room. However it didn’t look the same as it was before. There was the cupboard and the bed but the computers, table and chair were missing and the room did not house any of your belongings.
I caught a glimpse of you passing by the partly opened door and you stopped for a second. I was feeling anxious that I broke into your room and quickly hop out the window and laid flat on the platform as I think I will be charged with trespassing for breaking into another person’s property. You walked into the room and look out the window but you didn’t notice me and you walked away briefly. I felt a mixture of complex feelings washed over me and then I woke up.
I think it is difficult to let go of a person who treated you well with good intentions. It would have been easier if you had hurt me deeply and made me sad. Us exchanging too much information about our lives and daily routine did not help either. At some point you were also part of my routine and was a contributor to the colours of my life. The incorporation of your routine into my life unknowingly turned into a habit. I found myself looking forward to hear from you, to look at the sceneries that you often shared with me and most of all I enjoyed the activities we did together (GBM/ chatting/ watching movies/ listening to songs/ reading).
To be practical I don’t know how we would feel if we met in person but what I am very sure about is I valued and appreciated our friendship throughout the short course of 4 months plus. I know none of us wanted to bend our principles and we were clear about our boundaries. I still cannot explain why we did what we did but let this be a reminder to us to always place our principles and values ahead because it really could save us from a heartbreak. Had I persisted and stayed loyal, I would still be having you as a friend till today and everything wouldn’t have to be so painful.
Knowing you was a coincidence but leaving you was inevitable. I dislike surrendering to fate but if our friendship is meant to be, I believe we will be friends again in the future or next life. On the contrary, if it wasn’t meant to be, even if we walked past each other we will fail to recognise the other person. It will also signify that our bond is severed forever and whatever karmic ties we had is now nullified. We will just be two souls in parallel and our paths will never intersect anymore.
Yes, this is how I feel and if I need to use a single word to describe it, it will be the word - Void. That explains the empty room I guess.
I think I will be writing on and off as a therapy as I don’t think I can turn to anyone anymore about my troubles. I don’t think it will be healthy for you to read my blog anymore because it will not add further value into your life. I hope someday we could really heal from everything - not just about what we went through but also to heal from whatever encounter that had left you in pieces (I.e cat fish). Take care and stay focused on your goals. That is the best that we can do for ourselves and I will do the same too.
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