The first year of marriage is known as the paper anniversary. Just like a piece of paper, it represents a new start, potential for growth and at the same time fragility. Indeed the first year of marriage for me was full of challenges and from those experiences I did grow. The first challenge was living separately despite being legally bound. I used to be a girlfriend who doesn’t really make any effort to visit my boyfriend and only visits him opportunistically. Which means if I happened to have work related matters that is near to his place, I will then schedule a meet up and I never felt insecure or the need to always stay connected. I do have a sense of missing but I think I was able to deal with it in a healthy manner and besides I also had the notion that we are not legally bound thus I don’t feel responsible to stay connected. Marriage changed me and I am not sure is it a positive change as I became a little more clingy and needy. Somehow I felt like I only have this person for the rest of my life and I hope he will always want me as much as I want him and nothing would change. I think these feelings became stronger after we consummated the marriage. It must be the soul tie that have taken place and that is why I was very careful in selecting a partner who owns a kind heart, strong principles and reasonable spiritual debts (or emotional baggage). I recall the days of pondering if we should get married or just stay as we are and after a lot of contemplation, I believe we both can make it work with our malleable personalities. Actually I’m not sure if he thinks I have become a handful post marriage so I asked him today if he feels so but I’m glad to know he understands my emotional needs and disagrees that I have become insecure or clingy.
I then asked him pre marriage and post marriage, what have changed and his answer surprised me a lot. He says that I am more calmer and not as hotheaded as I used to be. I know I can be quite an impatient and hot tempered person but I did not realise I have been throwing my temper around during our dating days. As far as I can recall we barely quarrel but if we do it is often an unforgettable fight. Anyway I wonder why would he marry me then if he already know my fiery nature? I laughed at his answer as he told me that he believe I will change because I have a kind heart and he knows I don’t mean what I say when I am angry. Isn’t this a mistake that people should avoid making? This quote accurately describes the consequences of such wishful thinking:
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
Perhaps for us, the roles are reversed, I got married thinking he will stay the same and he thinks I would change for the better. I recall looking at him multiple times thinking about everything good and bad, knowing that if I choose him, I would be sacrificing romance for practicality. I am aware of his Love towards me but it is just not him to be romantic and over the years I have learned to accept it. I also learned that accepting his nature is not enough to keep the marriage, I myself must be level headed and stop being swayed by affectionate or romantic gestures that are not from him. Actually it is a positive sign that he thinks I could change for the better, it means that he sees potential growth in me as how I have always believe he will always work hard for us and will never give up in the face of adversity. I am thankful that he is benevolent and forgiving, providing me unconditional Love even at times when I don’t deserve it. Yes, it was really a fragile first year of marriage and I think if it wasn’t for his understanding probably my marriage wouldn’t have lasts.
The happier parts of our relationship revolves around the times we commit to an activity together. I still think it’s crazy that we bought 11kg of durian to be shared between us (of course we did not finish all of them in one go). We also ate our first durian kunyit together in Kelantan although it was not as tasty as I thought it would be. The experience itself was nice since both of us felt like tourists as the dialect there is so different. We also tried Kelantanese food for the first time together and participated in a fun run after a gap of 3 years of not running together (thanks to the plandemic). I think I am lucky that he seems to develop a passion in cooking and I love playing the role as his sous chef. I also learn how to contribute in the farm by mixing a special mix called “Biodynamic 500” - it is made of organic material containing cow manure and lots of healthy microbes in it to nurture the soil. It is our goal to ensure the food we plant are as natural as possible and free from harmful chemicals so that our consumers get the best nutrition and are able to stay healthy. I feel much useful being able to do something in the farm when I visit him, otherwise I often feel like an ornament tagging along doing nothing. Recalling the events in the past 365 days made me feel that I did live a wholesome life, filled with lots of new knowledge and experience.
My heartfelt gratitude for the challenges that took place in my relationship because I observed that after all that have taken place, my partner seems to be more alert with my needs and does his best to show affection towards me. Although it was a painful lesson and involved a third party which I somehow still feel responsible for, the events have somehow form a catalysts to a better marriage. My partner admitted that he have unintentionally neglected me as he thought he could fully focus on his career and I would be focussing on my career. However he know that despite both of us being driven to make our lives better, we still need to stay connected from time to time and keep the passion for each other alive. Indeed we still have a lot to paint on our paper and I will do all that I can to create a beautiful artwork by protecting and nurturing our relationship. Just like the message on the pink lilies he gave me today - “Put up a fight for what you Love”.
I think I shall stop here although there’s so much of things that I would like to express after running through the events of the past 1 year. May all of us strive to do our best and be a valuable person especially towards our Loved ones and continue having faith In believing that each of us deserve to be in a Loving Relationship.
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