It has been a fruitful 9 nights staying with my partner, I think this is the longest we have spent together since we got married. In fact it is the longest time we spend together since we know each other. I couldn’t help feel a little sad that we have to continue a long distance relationship due to circumstances. Sometimes I wish I could give up everything and just be with him. However I know that is the most non practical thing to do and it will bring more harm than good to our relationship. Unless I am able to maintain a steady source of income by other means, there is no reason so quit my current career. Besides I have already fallen into the career scam by taking the scholarship offered to me that comes with a 7 year bond. I used to think that it is good to have bonds since I will not need to worry about being jobless but I was so wrong. I wish back in school there were people teaching us on stuff like these in life and how our choices could lead to different outcomes. Had I not been in a bond, or further my studies, I would quit right now and become a private practitioner in any of the private clinics within the vicinity of the place my partner is staying. All my life, I had a tunnel vision of putting my studies and career first, it is as if other aspects of my life never mattered. Surprisingly my family members don’t seem to see the problem and they are constantly telling me how proud they are of what I am today without actually asking me if I am happy.
Perhaps it’s just a phase right now, at this moment where I feel like crying but I know I must not because even if I do it doesn’t change a thing. I have already arrange for a packed schedule tomorrow so as to kickstart my return to work and also to give me a sense of routine. I know once I am back to routine things will just run on auto pilot and I will not have time to dwell on negative emotions. I trust the process and if I am just a little bit more patient perhaps in a year plus or so I will be living the life I want. It is true that at this moment I am not sure how to achieve that but what I can control right now are the tasks at hand that will open more doors eventually. The ultimate goal is to pass my exams in one attempt, I have less than 365 days to prepare but prior to that I need to ensure my thesis submission is done to qualify for exams. I dislike doing research and that is the biggest “frog” that is in my way so I shall settle this “frog” first thing first everyday. My aim is to settle the thesis within this October and not drag it into next semester which is starting in December. Although the deadline is in May next year I need to push myself now so as to not feel overwhelmed later on. I tried my best to like research to make it a little bit more bearable but statistics, literature review and citations are just not my thing. I even have this mischievous idea of paying someone to do it for me since I don’t see any value in doing it myself, but this would be unscrupulous.
While reality feels closer as I am on the bus back to my humble rented room, the magical moment I had at home will be the driving force for me to persevere. I think the universe know I would feel down so the number 1111 appeared today noon and I know everything will be fine. Reality also seems to kick in when I realised my clan mate had levelled up. I used to see him level up while we played together but this time he have levelled up without me witnessing it. I couldn’t help feel a little left out of the moment but at the same time I reminded myself that things that are in the past should remain as good memories and trying to replicate those memories is pointless. With this, I am assured that things have gone back to normalcy and it is a good sign, so I shall embrace it with an open heart. Now I finally understood why my partner wanted me to burn bridges sometimes, it is because he know I Love to cling on to memories and would hold on to a person for a very long time. What he made me do back then had resulted in me throwing a few hurtful words to him but now I am able to see it in a better light and I thank him for saving me once again from being stuck.
Recapping on the events that have took place these past 9 days, I think what I did right was consistently doing point origin massage for him and also washed clothes on two occasions. We don’t have a washing machine so everything is done manually and it was really cold to wash clothes manually at 18 degree Celsius. I think what I could have done better was at least try to stay home and cook. Somehow we ate out on 8 out of 9 days because by the time we got home it’s already 8-9pm and the only day we cooked, we ate at 1130pm. The only way for me to prepare meals is if I do not tag along to work with him. Somehow I just don’t like the idea of not spending time with him so despite the tiring routine of waking up early, going to the farm, spending an average of 8 hours in the car daily getting additional ultraviolet rays, I still choose to go to work with him. However I did discuss with him that in the future if I want to go home for study break, I need to be disciplined and stay at home and only meet him when he is back from work which he fully agrees. I definitely sleep better at home with the cool weather, comfortable bed with zero noise pollution (Sigh, I really dread going back to my rented room and sleeping with earplugs). Actually I seem to be more sleepy whenever I go home, I think it is because I am in an environment where I feel I can relax and feel secure. I doze off a multiple times in the car and I felt bad because by sleeping I am not spending time with my partner. I did apologise for dozing off but he did not mind, actually what annoys him is whenever he speaks and I am playing games on my phone. I admit that this is a very bad habit and perhaps the next time I visit I will do my best to stop this bad habit. In a way I feel easier to stay awake when I am gaming but I know it is not healthy for me to use this method to stay awake and also it does divide my attention. How I wish I can just turn back the time to 9 days ago and start all over again.
Well I got to face reality right in the face and be brave. All these are temporary, better days are coming soon as the challenging days will be depleted with time. Just like master Loh always say “开心就开运，轻松丰盛”， I will live happily and effortlessly and look forward to my next journey home.
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