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Fresh Start

3 February 2023 - "This is the very beginning of your legendary conversation with (name)" 


We were strangers and then we became acquaintances, quickly progressing into friendship and finally lovers. Indeed we were very much lovers if we were to dissect the things we did. The frequency of interaction and the contents of our conversations involve updating each other on the daily norms of our lives. We know each other's schedule so well as if it were our own schedules. Then it became habitual and there was some form of anticipation and to an extent dependency. I would feel extreme happiness whenever I hear from you and curiosity when I don't hear from you. Unknowingly you planted roots in my heart and a few months back, I thought those roots were so deep that if anything or anyone tried to uproot them from me, it would tear a significant portion of my heart just like a partially healed scab where it continues to bleed when it is being peeled. You did point out that the reason it took time was because we kept interacting. However, the times when you were suddenly absent for quite some time, I was never feeling better, in fact, I just felt lost. I think you did it consciously initially as you appeared in the game on your birthday - knowing that I badly wanted to wish you and I appreciate you for this gesture. 

I'm just glad after the huge fight we had where you blocked me and attempted to delete all of me, I reached out for a chance to reconcile and you responded. I did feel a lot of changes in our interactions thereafter which helped me a lot to move on. It feels peculiar to feel distant from you because I have always felt so close to you. It is like everything happens in a reverse manner now. Lovers to friends and although I do not want to admit it, I know I would soon be an acquaintance, and over time, we even might become strangers. I know by your standards and definition, I am already an acquaintance as I refused to meet up despite the rare opportunity that we could meet up. We have never met, so I'm not sure if it's applicable to apply the same standards that you have set for others when they no longer want to meet up to our circumstances. 

I also realize I have this habit of writing my blog as if you are reading it. Yes, I think sometimes I feel you might be still reading but most of the time it is to substitute the inability to have conversations with you like before. I felt a strain and some callousness when you said "don't know" when I asked about the angel number you sent me and you proceeded to change the topic. I am just very sensitive but seeing your responses, I know you have exhausted your energy to want to even consider being good friends. I'm glad we still play together and are clan mates - yeah, we have gone back to the time when we first knew each other. The only difference was, in the past our conversations were carefree, now it feels measured and restricted. Everything feels so far away and there's an invincible barrier between us especially when we talked last night, the call was punctuated with pregnant pauses and it felt awkward. Maybe this was the final step to complete the process of moving on. 

I also realize you do not have a clear direction on what you want in terms of a life partner. You are motivated by Love but you give up easily on the people that you found (not me but someone else). Or maybe you know what you want but are not ready to commit thus engaging in temporary relationships. The good thing is that I hope it is true that you are focused on your goals since you are not looking for a relationship at the moment. I just don't want you to feel the loneliness that you describe to me. I saw a quote the other day and momentarily thought it suited the "us" in the past - "To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy". It was good for the period it lasted and I could finally feel thankful that it happened. Throughout the past few months, a song I listen to, the lyrics somehow make me think of you - 摯友. 

Then ironically again, the song 收集 is also relatable, just that it feels like the entire lyrics is being played in the reverse now - "从陌生到熟悉，收集我每个欢喜”。 Nevertheless, I really feel that the end of things is the birth of a fresh start. There is no more pain, just gratitude. 

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