*This blog is solely my feelings and it doesn’t require any likes or judgment nor does it need to be read by anyone. We all need an outlet and this is my outlet and the space where I feel safe to write what I want to, freely, without any restrictions.
Funny, daily affirmation message for today was “I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.”
It’s a leap year today and I believe those who are celebrating their birthdays will be feeling extra special today. I do wonder if they tend to get bigger gifts since they do not get to receive birthday gifts every year. I happened to just listen to a short interview on the television while having a short break in the pantry today and a pair of twin sisters were lamenting on the sadness they had felt not being able to celebrate their birthday yearly. I guess birthdays are pretty commercialised and we are taught to celebrate them since young (most of us). I used to feel very special on birthdays and felt like I was the main character because my parents have often throw birthday parties for me from the day I turned 1 month old (full moon) and subsequent years of my life until I left home. However, after attending some class in the temple (something equivalent to the Catholic Church’s Sunday school), only then I learned that birthdays is not about me but it is about my mom who have suffered bringing me into this world. Thereafter I often thank my mom on my birthday and I no longer felt the need to celebrate but to remind myself to be filial. I think our up bringing plays a great role on how we view things as I do know people who do not celebrate birthdays and thus do not make a great deal out of it. Just like in life some things may matter a lot to one individual yet for the other the same things doesn’t seem to bear any significance.
I think I take words very heavily and the idiom “stick and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me” does not apply to me at all. It is because of this, I put myself into a vortex of emotions and when I reflect on it, it is because I am often trusting and believe every word that people say. I tend to never doubt people nor second guess whatever they are saying and I believe the words of a decent person always carry a good amount of weight. I know I sound like a freaking snowflake right now to say that some words does pierce my heart and although I know that it was never meant to hurt, it still left quite an impact on me. Now I have 2 choices, to let those words linger in my mind and agitate my fragile heart or I could just let it slip away and forget about it. Actually I have quite a number of things to remember and I should do some housekeeping to ensure a healthy limbic system.
It is quite scary how certain scenes or experience could “haunt” us for life. For example a friend from Seychelles shared with me that what he could remember from his trip to Ethiopia for a badminton competition when he was in primary school was that children were knocking on the windows of their bus begging for money. I think this scene is a lot to take for a primary school kid and that is why it stayed on his memory until now. Similarly for me, I could recall bits of things that have stirred my emotions from the past yet I cannot remember a lot of other things. I cannot remember the time my mom left me for 6 months to study but I can remember the times she returned with huge gifts. She said I probably choose to forget the unpleasant memories of having an absent mom. Seeing a lot of my colleagues with children, they are also being the absent parent because of their studies and I wonder how are their children coping. I’m glad I was very young and didn’t remember the unpleasantness of being “abandoned” but wonder if this would cause an issue with my life later on. I think I have a problem with attachment and once I feel attached to a person, it just feels very painful to detach myself from the person. There are not many people in my life who I could feel attached to and maybe it’s just a phase, I don’t know but I do hope it has nothing to do with my “childhood trauma”. Besides I would feel sinful to even call that a trauma because my dad is the greatest dad in the world! Mom used to accuse me of loving my dad more than I love her, the truth is I love both of them equally but maybe dads are more lenient to their daughters and I know my dad spoils me a little whereas moms tend to be more strict and critical towards their daughters in order to prepare them for their future. At least this is what I think from my upbringing.
I wish I could talk to my parents about a lot of things that I am uncertain of but seeing that they are already growing old, I feel it is not right for me to tell them my troubles but I would definitely share my joy with them. I’m glad I have a sibling who I know I can talk to about everything and anything but I am aware that he has his own life and I don’t want to bug him. Besides, the last thing I want to do is to plague my pro bro (my favourite nick name for him although he calls me noobie last time and I don’t mind because I always lost any games I played with him) with my own complicated emotions. I am thankful that he updates me daily on his trading journey in the hopes that I can learn how to see and understand the charts. I do have best friends but as we grow older everyone have their own life and I just don’t feel right to talk to anyone anymore if it comes to my problems. I’m glad that I can still talk to myself here because like I said words are powerful and by writing down my heart feels lighter. Besides people don’t really go on blogspot and I could save papers and pens by not writing it on a journal where I will only end up throwing because it takes up space and I do not want anyone feeling concern with whatever I wrote if my journal is being accidentally found.
In years to come, I probably will look at this post and feel embarrassed and wonder why did I write this post. That if blogspot doesn’t shut down (I’m not sure how does it work but if it got shut down then it is just like me throwing away 6 diaries at the age of 18 when I moved places)
Happy Leap Year and let us all leap to greater heights mentally, emotionally and spiritually!
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