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The 3rd Miracle

 I made it.

The first part was 40% and I was ranked 1st in my center and the second part was 60% and I dropped to 2nd place. The miracle is that overall, among all the batches across different centers, I came 3rd. Oh well, only the 1st place gets an award so to me it didn't make a huge difference but it was more like a bonus of just knowing how I scored in an exam that had 84 total candidates. 

I think this will be the last major exam I will sit in this life. Enough is enough. 4years of my life and I really feel old after finishing this. I thought I would be ecstatic but it turn out I am just feeling peaceful and relieved. It was good I was so hooked to playing games that I did not think about it and when the announcement happened, I missed it. So when I finally ended my games, I was shocked to see my phone was being bombarded by congratulatory messages. I took time to screen through and look out for the department message and also a message from the head of department, that's when I know that I passed. 

This year, was painful to begin with and I had so many unhealed feelings and emotions from last year that have affected me a lot. I do think about the past sometimes and I use work to drown my feelings which is a good thing as I made almost 2 and a half months income extra from all the extra work. My juniors think I am hardworking, but they don't know the reason why I chose to do so. I think being kind to others is important as we will never know what the person is going through. Example, today I was shocked to learn that a colleague who was involved in a 5 hour surgery is having family problems. His 2 week old child is intubated and on inotropes in the neonatal ICU and he have not visited her today as he have to do his duties at work. That is why being in this field, it is better to have an exceptionally high EQ, or one would suffer tremendously. 

Is my EQ better? I do not know. Maybe if there is a formal way to test if it has improved, I will take the test. I guess a baseline test must first be done if I want to know any improvements. I somehow did not bring myself to attend the party after the release of the results as I felt like just being in my own world. However I missed a great opportunity for networking as the external examiner from the little red dot was there. Anyway my friend told me that our masters is not accepted next door and if I want to work there I need to redo rotations and take their exams. Well, unless the incentive is really good, I don't think I will do it. I am looking forward to living in my home and quitting this "renting" trend forever! Sometimes I do look at advertisements of rooms for rent in the neighbouring country and it is just so cramped, expensive and miserable. I mean 2 years of staying in a not so cramp, cheap yet miserable room is bad enough, I don't think I can tolerate all 3 negatives together. This 2 years is just not worth it at all and I am glad nothing happened to me (for example if I died for any reason), otherwise as I ghost I will be sad to not have lived the life I wanted. 

Enough of enduring and thinking life will get better. From now on, I want to use whatever I achieve to give myself all that I want in this life. It is rather annoying that the version of WeChat in the country no longer supports the red packet function. One of the things I was looking forward of doing was to share some red packets with some of my game friends who taught me a lot of gaming skills and spent countless hours playing with me. I mean if in the past someone who cared for me could say things like the following: 

"I've deleted my GB because I feel the need to refocus my inner energy to my goals. I will never be able to achieve my goal if every night, I purposely login to game w you because I know you've a long day and would love to have a game to relax."

Yup, those were the exact words. Of the entire content of the text, this was the most hurtful one as it felt as if I put a gun on the person's head and demanded him to play games with me. It felt like I was the reason why he couldn't achieve his goals. In the end, it felt like I was a burden. I do not have good memory and I am glad that messages on discord stays forever as they serve a good reminder that not everyone who seems nice and caring do it out of willingness. This helped me move on although as a female with low EQ I often revisit memories that are fading away and be in a state of denial. Oh well, the grieving process is over. If I am still in denial, I am definitely a failure. I am beyond the stage of acceptance.

I am still coughing badly and I wonder if I should just go and screen for tuberculosis. I think I will go check my weight tomorrow as I seem to have lost an inch off my waist in 22 days without exercise and just being sick. My appetite is also poor and somehow food does not excite me anymore. It will be really unfortunate if I have tuberculosis as the medications are toxic and have many side effects and I am so phobia of antibiotics as it gives me terrible diarrhoea. I am not immunocompromised, there's no way I should get tuberculosis, then again I am in the high risk group as the exposure is high at the workplace. For now there is no night sweats, no blood in sputum and I think I am overthinking.

Okay I really need to pack. I actually asked my husband to delay coming over as I wanted to do private cases and earn some nice pocket money. Also I want to prove to him I can pack my own things (I HATE PACKING). It is less than 24 hours now before he arrived and I have stalled him 3 days (it is so much opposite of what I have initially planned, for him to pick me immediately), and I have done zero packing. I guess if I start now by morning I would have finished packing? Sigh~ this task of packing is so hard but I must prove that I can do it! He already predict that I will be waiting for him to pack and help me clean the room and toilet since I am very bad at cleaning. It reminds me of the days when I left after my degree and he was shocked when I said I have mopped the house yet it was dirty and when he cleaned it, it was extremely clean. Oh well, I have never liked house chores and have always aim to have my own maid since I was young.

So future goal is to have my own maid. 

I think I can conclude this year with 3 miracles 

WCA-March/ MSA-August/ M.Med-November, that is like 4 monthly miracles. Not bad. Thank You Universe, Thank You God (really after all these I really believe God do exist, really exist!)  

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