Recently my mind is troubled and I couldn't sleep well. I am tired and I tried my best to rest but there's just so many thoughts and emotions that are still fleeting and unsettling. I tried to give myself affirmations, I purposely ran and wanted to run 11.11KM because 1111 is always reassuring for me. However my device log the run as 11.12KM and seeing it I felt defeated.
I tried to see things as a third person, as my partner, as him but it just lead me to no where. I know time heals and things will eventually be back to normal again. Or rather, things have always been normal but our experiences changes how we feel about our daily environment and for me right now my surrounding feels foreign. I thought I had adapted with the pattern interruption that took place since December and I was finaly feeling comfortable. However just like the waves in a turbulent sea, I am faced with another pattern interruption except this time I no longer know how to coax myself to be resillient.
I concluded it is impossible to skip the process of grieving and even if there is a shortcut I am not convinced to take the path of less resistance. I am aware of the path I took and I am certainly not giving up happiness but nothing troubles me more than the thought that I have caused someone pain. If I could turn back time, I wish I know what I could have done better, I wish he could tell me what should I do as it was an interraction between the two of us. I wanted to talk to him but looking at the final text from him, I know it was goodbye.
Over the course of the night I had a peculiar dream. I dreamt I was colouring on a piece of white paper. I drew a rectangle and divided it into two parts, a larger top portion which I coloured baby blue and a smaller botton portion which I coloured yellow. As I was touching up the blue portion, I suddenly realize what I thought was a blue color pencil was actually yellow as the colours start to mix and form patches of green. I woke up shortly wondering if my subconscious was working while I was asleep. After some searches, I found some answers from a dream dictionary online and it was comforting to know that those colors represent a deeper meaning.
The dream dictionary could only serve as a guide and it will still be entirely up to me on how I want to perceive the given explanations and decipher my dream. I chose to decipher it in a positive manner where blue represents tranquility and loyalty, yellow represents enlightenment and wisdom and green for growth and healing. The colours were also linked to our chakras and blue is throat chakra (I hope his throat feels better, he often have this baseline cough which concerns me as it has been there for a month), yellow is the solar plexus chakra and green is surprisingly the heart chakra.
Indeed I lost a friend, I lost a gaming partner, I lost a confidant. I was wrong to say we came into each others' life for a season, in fact now I can see that we met for a reason. I strongly believe the inevitable fate was for our personal growth. The natural course of our interaction, the vulnerability that associates with it and the authenticity that I felt was genuine. For now I will continue to have faith that things will be better for all of us and may our heart chakras receive the healing it needs. Wishing us serenity and peace in the days to come.
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