"I like how our dynamic is" those were the words he said and I believed it with all my heart. I thought I found a friend, a piece of my soul because we were so similar in many ways. Our conversations were entertaining, ranging from sharing about personal experiences, books, medical stuff, sports, gaming tactics. I would say once we chat we seems to forget the time and we just enjoyed each other's company.
Now I am a woman and he is a man, perhaps this was the problem. I often thought we could be best of friends but somehow or rather along with the frequency of time spent together, the thin line which separates friendship from a romantic relationship seems to get blurry. I made it known that I am married and he know it was morally wrong to fall for a married person. He told me regardless, I am dear to him and he will always want the best for me and wants me to be happy. I think it was very thoughtful of him and I was hoping he could find The One for him as I want to see him happy too.
Tracing back, I still could not figure what went wrong. I admit I was flattered by some words of endearment he uttered to me and I did mention to him that had I not been married, we probably could get together. I really did mean what I said because that was how I felt - I felt I was loved by him. It scares me a lot to know that I felt this way because I am supposed to be in a commited monogamous relationship. I start to find answers on why did I exhibit such behaviour, why did I cheat. I learn many useful information from this website and realize if I still want to keep my marriage I need to do the right thing which is to re-draw the line that I mentioned earlier using a big bold marker pen.
It has never been my intention to cut the person off because I really thought he was a great friend and I could talk just about anything to him. However in the process of drawing the line, I seem to upset him as he feels I am deliberately pushing him away. In the end, I took the most drastic action and destroyed all our memories and stop all forms of communication. I think this would be the best for both of us although it isn't ideal. I did not feel peace nor closure but an immense sadness and grieve. It felt like I suffered a massive lost and I felt helpless. I wanted to tell him rationaly on how I feel but I know we will never come to a proper conclusion or a settlement where both of us could be happy. I want him to be himself but I cannot be taking his love freely as I am a married person. He would be loving for nothing and I don't want to be the cause of his pain. I did value him and I did not want him to be the "other guy" because I think he deserve a proper loving relationship himself.
Matters of the heart is always fragile and I am glad to have known him. It is a shame that things had to become this complicated. If only we stayed behind the line, we could still be friends, we could still enjoy playing games and telling each other stories till dawn. I was right, I am only in your life as a season. Now the season have ended and we should close this chapter. I hope you could forget me because I think that is for your own good. Take care YH, I never hate or misunderstand you. I can manage my feelings and emotions, don't worry about me.
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