I will never alter narratives to fit my reality, nor will I lie to myself. However, the author David McRaney stated that "the big picture is a lie, nurtured by your constant and unconscious confabulation, adding up to a story of who you are, what have you done, and why." This sentence made me wonder if most parts of my memories are being altered.
I tried experimenting by recalling my memories with my partner and everything seems to tally very well. Events that took place 16 years ago, both of us remembered the fine and important details without correcting the other person. Probably because we often reminisce about the past and thus the story remains the same with no addition or subtraction to it. However, I did notice that I could not recall some of the missing pieces from the past and surprisingly he had trouble recalling too. I wonder why both of us could not remember how we got to Resorts World Sentosa to visit the underwater world and the water theme park. I realize there is a mode of transport using cable cars but I have no recollection of going on one. In the end, we concluded that we went there by bus and I had to Google to make sure there was a mode to travel to Resorts World Sentosa by bus. I wonder why those memories turned blurry.
I have been on the emotional roller coaster for the past year, and at one point I felt really sad that I felt it would be better if I forgot everything. I recall nights when I would fantasize about an "amnestic potion" just like in the movies where someone with a severely broken heart would take and forget about everything that caused the heartache. Then there were also times when I realized some of the memories seemed to feel so distant and I tried my very best to hold on to them. Having no traces of the past, I could only rely on my brain and heart to generate how I feel about the past. Gladly, instead of negative emotions, I feel gratitude, peace, and even love engulf me. I was feeling worried a few nights back when I suddenly woke up from a dream and in that dream, I had forgotten an important date. Was it 30 or was it 31? I was wondering if I was dreaming or consciously trying to recall or if my subconscious was at play. I persuaded and settled with 30 but now reading this book, I seem to doubt myself, am I creating new realities?
Yawn* time for bed. I shall think about this further another day.
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