I’m so happy to be relieved of many duties as a registra as I have completed my registra posting and is demoted back to a normal officer. It does sounds weird I know but that is how it functions at the place I am doing my training so as to give other trainees the chance of doing registra calls. I thought I will be extremely happy and would celebrate but surprisingly I felt the celebratory effect only for a brief moment. Perhaps I do love the responsibilities and it felt great to be able to do almost 99.99% of the decision at work. It also reminds me of the reason why I wanted to further my studies and climb up the career ladder - so that I could have a part in making decisions. The posting also made me learn a lot of human nature and management skills. I’m not into administrative work and did not really enjoy it much but I know eventually I will have to be involved and the only thing I can do is to change my mindset and learn to love administrative work.
Maybe it is the nature of a first born to feel the sense of responsibility. There is one thing that bugs me about the person whom I had cared a lot about the past one year - his telegram status (it is the last status I could view since I am permanently blocked by him too which I think is a good move from his side). I feel a little concern because it says “dead on the inside”. I’m not sure what he has been through to make him feel that way but I hope that is not a constant feeling that he is associating himself with. I know I am not in the position to care because it was my idea to severe ties since both of us wanted different things out of our interaction. I wanted friendship, he wanted a relationship as his last goodbye was “but I can’t view you as a friend, I don’t function that way”. He really taught me a lot and the result is I am a more cautious person now regarding boundaries and I think I could finally be more reserved and less of an open book.
I notice this change which I think is a positive change as a stranger spoke to me while I was playing Gunbound mobile on the swing. I felt a little distracted and cautious as to why is a stranger striking up a conversation with me. I greet the stranger back and politely have a conversation with him being careful and at the back of my head accessing what is the motive of the conversation. I find it amusing as I usually don’t have so much going in my mind when I meet people. I felt a lot of skepticism and at the opportunity to mention I am married, I took that opportunity. It was a conversation about the economy and he wonders how people with children earning around 8K per month could survive. I told him “yeah can’t imagine that because despite me and my husband working, it just feels enough to get by and not afford luxuries”. Then again I reminded myself the lesson - being married does not necessarily means you are immune from being pursued by some. Anyway the person was interested with agriculture after I told him my husband is into farming and he actually asked for my husband’s contact. Now my mind is full of paranoid thoughts, is he some sort of scammer or wanting to scam my husband? I shared my concerns to my husband while asking him for permission to pass his number to the new acquaintance and he told me it should be okay as long as he is not going to click any links or APK files. I actually find it so tiring to have so much of assumptions going through my mind.
I am no longer responsible about the happiness or sadness of “Icy”, I just hope he is doing fine and is on a journey to awesomeness and S-gradeness (this probably won’t make any sense if a person doesn’t play GBM). Time does heal, that heavy feeling in my heart seems to get lifted a little bit more as time goes by. I also learned to handle it all on my own without sharing it with my partner because I don’t want to be pushed away again. I guess this is a new found skill - to be able to self regulate my own emotions which is essential for my wellbeing.
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