Are you afraid of the dark? I used to be afraid until I told myself that darkness is just the absence of light. Somehow it makes me less afraid when I think in this manner and any minute amount of light during darkness is often comforting. Similarly, I think loneliness is just the absence of companionship but the only difference is that even if I am surrounded by people, it does not bring comfort but aggravates the fact that I am unable to find someone who could synchronize well with me. For me, companionship is rather rare, and unless it is your spouse, it doesn't last forever as people move on to different stages of their lives. Therefore, if one is not able to find companionship in their spouse, it goes to say that they live a life that is quite lonely. Somehow as I am writing this, Lucy Wyndham-Read the YouTube fitness coach crosses my mind.
Lucy is an amazing person who has made lots of free videos on weight loss and healthy diets which are easy to follow and they do not take up a lot of my time. Furthermore, she often device her exercise in a manner that people of different levels of fitness could follow. Having seen her videos a lot of times, I somehow got a little nosy and often wondered about her personal life. It was so easy to find out just by typing her name with the words "love life" at the back but I was shocked, sad, and inspired by what I read about her. I have always found her attractive and knowing a little bit more about her background made me think she is even more beautiful. A brief summary of her story was that she loved a man called Mike since she was in her teens and he was her fiancé but he passed away in a terrible accident. Many years have passed since then, and she still loves him and says he is "irreplaceable". This sort of love is the kind that does not abide by the vows of "till death do us apart" and it is the kind of love that is eternal and everlasting given the time spent on earth is just too short.
I am not sure if reading "You are not so smart" is good for me in general because each chapter made me doubt a lot of the things I have been doing and all those things I find magical or special seems to be not so special or magical anymore. I saw 1111 today on the anesthetic machine clock display but I no longer feel consoled like I did before because the book says that it is just a meaningless chance and probably I subconsciously look out for 1111. I really do not know and thinking about it makes me rather miserable. I felt disconnected from my spiritual/ celestial self which I often believed existed and I even started to doubt God, feng shui, religion, etc. Anything that could not be explained by science becomes a doubt now and I do not like having these thoughts. What am I going to hold on to? The book is no doubt good to help me navigate through reality but at the same time, I really feel emotionally challenged.
Another thing that I have trouble coping with is that I feel uneasy that I cannot see his photos or status updates anymore. I kept asking myself why do I need to feel uneasy? Even before this he is not always updating his status or changing his display picture, so it makes no difference if he blocks or does not block me. However, I still feel disheartened and I don't know how to explain myself and I don't have to because like many things in life, there is no explanation actually and most of the time people just tend to make up stories to explain their feelings. Perhaps what I had wanted was to be able to just see him from a distance, to still get a glimpse of his life although I know it does not make any sense. I want all these just to make myself feel better and I don't know why.
So, I finished my dissertation and by Sunday I hope the printing shop is open and I will have it printed out. I sort of regret I only did a simple cross-sectional study which can never weigh much to a randomized control trial. Anyway, I am glad I finished it as a gold ticket to the finals. I am glad that even if I feel sad about certain things in life, I am still very much functional. This is life, a mixture of happiness, sadness, hope, dread, meetings, partings etc. Again, the keyword is "Regulate", always learn to regulate your emotions, I am still learning and will continue to learn.
The version of him that I continuously miss is long gone, someday these feelings will be gone too, I just need to persistently regulate my feelings and everything will be fine.
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