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Silent Divorce

 Today I came across the term "silent divorce" and somehow I felt like it was describing my relationship. I understand distance prevents us from intimacy but when I tried to recall when the last time we were intimate, it was last year. July is around the corner, which means it's been more than half a year since we've had any pleasures of the flesh. I actually find it funny to describe it in that manner. Do I crave for intimacy? Sometimes I do, which makes me a normal human being. However I am a little bit conflicted myself as I do not actually enjoy the main course. It is still awkward and uncomfortable, and most of the time, I catch myself thinking, "Can this end soon?". There is definitely love and lots of care but we are just not compatible when it comes to intimacy, and neither of us has the time to improve this aspect of our marriage. 

Do I wonder what it is like to experience intimacy with another person? I do but it is morally and socially wrong. I think I had this thought when I recall my colleague telling me about her experience with different men, and I wondered is it better to have experience more than one person in this life? I gave a lot of thought about it and feel that I would still stick to having only 1 partner for the rest of my life because I do not want to share and exchange energies with different people which would result in a lot of emotional baggage. Come to think of it if I could find a way to pleasure myself without the need of a partner, then the transient sexual desire is fulfilled and I will not think about it anymore. It just need to be addressed in a manner that I feel most appropriate. 

Having said that, I do wish I could have a little bit more intimacy in my marriage. Probably not the actual full course as I know he is tired but perhaps some cuddling and kissing would be nice. I wish he could be more enthusiastic to do those acts of intimacy with me. I guess I am a little overthinking about this topic just because I read about such terminology out of the blue. Definitely overthinking. 

I really look forward to seeing him soon, 17 more days to be precise and I believe with him by my side I can have a rejuvenating sleep. Somehow I am always sleepy when I am with him, I guess it's because I could let my guard down and rest. That is the beauty and essence of our relationship. 

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