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To my young self - letter #1

 Dear young self, 

I wish I could visit you and tell you that nothing is impossible. I wish I could have saved you from your over bearing parents. The effects of your upbringing have certainly crippled you in achieving your life goals and also impaired your judgment when selecting a life partner. You were raised with an employee’s mindset and is made to take orders and to please others while learning to keep your wants and needs aside. Things will not get better by being obedient and it will only aggravate the actions of others. I felt like telling you this because I am going to stay with them soon and I really am not looking forward to it after what happened last Saturday. 

Well my seniors invited me to a place called Bar Abong, like the name suggests it is a bar serving alcohol and it also serve dinner which comprises of fusion dishes. Our parents did not let me drive there on my own as they were worried I couldn’t get a parking spot which was a real concern as Saturday night at that region is well known to be crammed with tourists and locals. I suggested to take Grab but they did not allow me to do so due to safety reasons. I find this a little unsettling as I did not want to rely on our brother to fetch me around as he has his own agenda. I somehow could not win the conversation and in the end our brother has to be my driver and I do feel bad about it. This is just a small matter but it made me feel I do not have autonomy to do things and I feel insignificant. 

They did many things in the guise to “protect” me but it actually did more harm than good. The time when they thought I was too weak to accept the news that they got into a terrible accident and told everyone except me made me wonder if I am part of the family. When my dog died this year they did not call me to let me have a last video call with my dog and they just took photos and videos to show it to me later on. I still remembered our brother casually saying “哦 Bow Bow挂了”. I also do not understand why when dad had a minor stroke I’m not the first to know and instead our younger brother get to know about it first (terrible as he did not know what to do and was crying while I am the one with medical knowledge and am compose enough to understand the situation). Do our parents ever consider how I feel? 

It is because of all these I would urge you to not let them know much about your plans and life as they are only there to stop you from doing the things you like. If it’s possible try to call them less often and immerse yourself in your own hobbies and likes. I do that these days just putting my phone on “do not disturb” mode and do the things I like only to notice unread messages and miscalls before I go to bed and I do not return any of them (I only do so if I feel like replying). I am not cutting ties with them but I want them to know they can’t keep me within the boundaries they have always drawn for me. 

Actually I don’t know why out of a sudden I have so much to complain about our parents. Maybe because just now while on the phone they began to quarrel with each other again and there is no way I am going to put up with that in the future. This year I plan to set up my study room and mom is saying how much she looks forward to it as she could also do her work there. I did not have plans to share the study room with her because I want to make it into my personal game room. Should I try to find opportunities to leave the country and work elsewhere? 

Sorry I shouldn’t be asking you as you are my young naive self who is probably still not aware of how your life is going to be in 20 years from now. I wonder if I were you would I feel proud of what I am today? I really do not know. There are days I feel that I did achieve the things I wanted in life then again there are days where I felt the things I wanted and the things I have now doesn’t seem to fit the timeline of my life. It’s a little backdated. 

I shall sign off here as I am getting sleepy. 


Love, 

Your grown up self 

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