A week has flown since my anxiousness struck me so hard during my husband's surgery. It shows me that emotions and feelings are often temporary and there is a need to control which feelings should be suppressed. I have finished the book "You are not so smart" and it did affect me in a way that I now understand how the law of attraction or feng shui works, well at least it gives me a different perspective. To conclude I think the book made me a better person overall although there will still be certain things that I want to continue believing such as the comfort of seeing certain signs that reassure me even if it would mean that I am "not so smart".
Today, out of the blue it struck me that my young self would have looked up to my current self. I am not extremely accomplished but if I were to rewind time and trace back the "ambitions" I used to write down, I have achieved more than half of it right now. However, I find the adult me to be plagued with greed. I realize no matter how much I earn, I do not feel contented and want more. Over the years I am also very much into believing that to feel enough equates to financial freedom where you can have all the things the world can offer without even thinking about the cost as money is infinite. Then again, I wonder if it is so important to be able to have "all the things" the world can offer. My young self was ambition-driven with good intentions of service to mankind but the older version of me seems to be money-driven and I am even considering giving up my ambitions. My partner even told me to "cut loss", and take a different path since this current path does not seem to be giving me back value in monetary terms which is proportional to my sacrifices and service.
I know a number of people who are much more qualified than me, working in the public service and I often ask them "Why would you stay?". Most of them would still give me the child-like reply of wanting to serve the locals without worrying about profit-making. However, I do not see it as a problem to be paid better for the services we give and that is why those who left the public service often see themselves as "go-getters". To simplify it, I guess the client demographic would be different in the better-paying private sector - you will be attending to people with better financial capacity or those with insurance coverage. I am not sure why I am indoctrinated with thoughts that I should never make a profit from my patients yet I see myself as having a career. I mean a career is something that puts bread on the table so it is supposed to be profitable, isn't it? Otherwise, it would be called charity. Still, I felt rather helpless when I saw one of the foreign workers being charged a 20K hospital bill for acute pancreatitis. I felt terrible because I know that they are often paid minimum wages and come so far to work, only to be in debt when they fall sick. This world is a cruel place for those who belong in the middle and lower-income group.
So, is there an ideal world where we all live by taking what we need and providing what we can based on our skill sets and everything is free? The answer is no, simply because there will be no one to take on the jobs that are labor intensive such as construction work/ farming/ cleaning services and that is why there will always be a hierarchy and structure in society. This is also the reason why elites are suppressing everyone below them as they would want to maintain their throne in the hierarchy. At least this is what I often hypothesize. Now with fake lab meats being introduced with the facade of being sustainable, I think it is just their agenda to reserve the good real meat for themselves. Instead of advocating for things that are natural such as encouraging free ranch chickens around neighborhoods or teaching the population to plant food and rear poultry, energy is spent on unnatural things. I would never eat lab-grown food even if it is given to me for free.
I am still uncertain whether to "cut loss" but anyway for now I am happy in my daily work life and the only thing that is discouraging is the increasing medicolegal claims thereby causing most of us in the sector to practice defensive medicine to protect ourselves which results in more unnecessary investigations and documentations at times. Alas, it all goes back to the patient as health care cost will definitely go up further. According to local statistics, the cost has gone up by around 8-9% per annum. If I were to "cut loss", what other career can I consider at this age and the lack of experience? Probably something learnable in a quick manner (Life has no shortcuts though) such as baking - then again I am not a very good cook as evidenced by my failed attempt of mutton biriyani rice which turned into mutton porridge. Thank heavens instead of grilling me for my failure, my partner told me it was just a partial success as it still tasted great. Well, says the person who made a scrumptious pot of mutton biriyani for his entire workforce on his first attempt 😏
Comments