I had to edit my previous post as now I have unknowingly form a doctor-patient relationship with the victim, so I have this thing called “duty” towards the victim and my duty now is to maintain confidentiality. This is an amazing example why we shouldn’t think about things that ignite too much emotions or it will inadvertently be attracted into our lives. Sadly, no matter how much I think about someone, it doesn’t bring them back again. I need to be constantly reminded that it was for the better like he had put it “I just feel that we should proceed on to lead our own life without each other”. I can’t stop the thoughts of him and I am not going to punish myself for it. Besides, when I was checking out the stats of the top player for world boss it just reminded me of him as the nickname was “DeadInside” (hope he is doing better now and having a more positive “status”). I know there is no association and it is just me projecting my own thoughts to random occurrences (gosh so many people are dead inside!).
Back to what happened yesterday, I was working evening shift and saw that the registra had assigned me to the daycare operating theater and I somehow had a feeling it was the victim from my previous post as there was 2 policeman outside the theater. True enough my intuition was right and I took over from my collegue to look after the patient as her surgery was ongoing. If I had a lot of questions and emotions about what had happened to her before this, those questions and emotions were aggravated as I saw her in person and the extensive irreversible damages involved. That is all I can write about this incident and the lesson learned is that people who claim to care such as friends/ lover/ maybe family can be dangerous too. While having intrusive thoughts about the evil that lurks among those who we deem harmless, I received a text from the random person who asked for my husband’s number a few weeks ago. The person invited me for a walk and also to yoga class. I immediately replied that I am busy with exams and have no time to attend yoga class but I could go for a walk. Since the walk will be at the field with lots of people, I think it should be safe?
I didn’t want to give the impression as being unfriendly or hurt anyones feelings in case they are not right in the head and could become dangerous out of grudge. Besides if I say I can’t go for a walk it will be too obvious that I am finding excuses as I jog almost everyday! I think I know what I should do, I should invite him for a jog instead as I highly doubt he can keep up with my pace and that way I could probably deter him from asking me for a walk. It happened before, a collegue joined me for a run and couldn’t keep up and that was the last time he ever joined me (to be fair he had a history of ACL tear). Right now I just want to be like the person who said “I don’t need friends” (Icy told me one of his aquaintances had utter such things before). I wish I too can just tell people “I don’t need friends so back off!” In reality my politeness stop me from saying that to anyone.
Okay enough of being paranoid about my surroundings and the people that I encounter. I should have more thoughts of passing my exam, earning USD, achieving another milestone, getting to do more private cases and having lots of chances to go travelling and spending time with my partner. Yeah, these are the things that I should invest my energy and emotions on. I did have a good laugh watching “mother of the bride” on Netflix 2days ago and I love the heartwarming ending. I watched it at x1.25 speed to save time and played some GBM because I had some reflux after trying to sleep post dinner (super unhealthy and I promise not to eat beyond 9pm after this unless I need to work and feel hungry).
My energy was well spent after a 12KM jog last night and my senses was heightened as the night was quiet with a little drizzle that failed to deter me. I caught a strong scent of some flower that resembles very near to the smell of the ylang-ylang. Somehow momentarily think about all the ridiculous exorcism videos on YouTube and thought what if the smell was from a “Pontianak” or “hantu pocong” or “kuntilanak” (I’m not sure if any of these ghostly characters should smell nice or smell pungent). Anyway I did ask permission in my heart to allow me to pass by and that I meant no harm as the night or twilight hour is often believed to belong to other beings and creatures and I don’t want them to feel I am trespassing their territory (the nurses believed the girl I saw crying probably wasn’t real just because it was during “Maghrib” and they think it was a right decision not to approach her). Anyway, I spotted a 3foot long binturong with the smell of a screwpine plant. It was startled by me and scuried up the lamp post in a clumsy manner. Their scent is very distinct and I could often smell them during my jogs but have never seen them until last night. Other than that, I get to admire the cotton tree that was at full bloom and took a picture of it but it looked better in real life.
It was 14 months ago when I tried to harvest some of these cottons with the notion that I want to make a pillow for myself stuffed with these natural cotton. Somehow I only collected enough to make a stress ball. I started collecting during the time I was at my lowest but seeing cotton now doesn’t make me sad anymore. Besides I must remember once upon a time my Love One harvested bags of these (which in the end got accidentally thrown away) to give me as gift along with the feathers from turkeys (which I still keep and plan to make a fan out of it). Therefore, I should associate these with happier, sweet memories.
Happy 520! Which means “I LoveYou”.
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