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Thorns

“植物有刺是为了保护自己，我心中的刺是为了什么？” which says "plants have thorns to protect themselves, what is the purpose of the thorn in my heart?". This was one of the captions I put on a photography project for my secondary school Mandarin language class and I was quite happy with myself for coming up with it. However, to feel what was described is quite unpleasant. 

I realize I barely talk about what I feel in the workplace because I thought everything was a professional exchange and should not involve feelings. It is also a reason why I dislike forming friendships with my co-workers because somehow there will be situations at work where it could jeopardize things or make a working environment hostile. I am old enough to know about politics at the working environment and I should be able to maneuver myself through it unscathed. However today, I couldn't help feeling repulsive having to work with people who actually talk behind my back. They call it "venting out" but I do not appreciate the news traveling back to my ears which makes me wonder why should people tell me things that will not help me in any way only to add a thorn in my heart? 

I don't have the energy to narrate the incident because to me it was petty and unworthy for journaling. To conclude to be human is hard, to speak my mind without sugar-coating words seems to injure some "strawberries" or "snowflakes" which resulted in them "venting". I just can't vent like they do because I don't trust people easily and venting to anyone would always create a bad energy cycle. Perhaps it is their mechanism to regulate their emotions, I just wish it doesn't have to reach me. I also am unsure of the motive of the person who spread the news to me and I was amazed that she claims to have heard from all 3 people involved except from me of course (the 4th person in the scenario). This also means the person is quite nosey to be having so many information from incidents that do not involve her.  

So I thought it wouldn't affect me but today I felt affected internally mainly because they were my friends and I was working with them today. I had expected them to speak to me directly to resolve conflicts instead of venting out to others. "Expectation is the root to all heartaches"! So yes, I feel hurt and no, I am not going to initiate small talk although I know it could be therapeutic. All relationships are temporary so I will just figure out how to extract the thorns and feel okay again. 

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