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Replaced

 Sometimes I wonder if I am the same person after going through different life experiences. Do I get over things and return back to my old self or I lost some of my old self and become an improvised version of me. Actually I do not know as I am still embarrassed by some of the behaviour I have exhibited previously and the now me would really love to visit that silly me and give her a dose of reality or at least talk her out of wasting time being sad about people who never cared. I definitely Love the current me, the balanced and wholesome me. The me who has a smile on because I am happy and content internally and not being a beggar depending on others to feel happy. I am not denying my past, it is just that I can’t believe I am so gullible and trusting and in the end all I could remember was being “discarded”. Yup, that was how I felt and it helped me to see things clearly. I think I am easily attached and think highly of everyone, valuing relationships without letting them go through a filter. A recent lesson made me understand that we are all replaceable and most of the times our relationships with other people are just temporary and meaningless. 


I was initially very excited to be invited to the group with a lot of pro players in it and thought everyone would be warm and friendly. It felt nice that a divine dragon was willing to “bring me to victory” (also known as babysitting) but when we lost a few games I could sense the tension and just casually apologise and hope that he isn’t angry and his response was “there’s nothing to be mad about”. Somehow I felt unhappy after that game and gaming was supposed to be something fun and stress free. I meditate and went for a jog and wonder if it was a mistake to have gone online for a few games. Just as I was feeling better, I saw that divine dragon posted in the group to rant on how lousy I was in the game. It made me quite sad as I don’t think anyone would want to play with me with such post about me. Yet, I am wrong (from my overthinking) and the next day just as I wanted to play a few rounds before I sleep, a silver grey dragon from the group invited me to play and he was able to bring me lots of victory. After the game he asked me if he was better than divine dragon and I knew it was better to give a neutral answer. In the end  they are of the same country and I don’t want to say stuff that will be screenshot and posted into the group. I just told him that it was my fault to ruin divine’s map since I was not familiar with Nak/ dark Nak and I did not know I was ruining his trajectories. 


Grey dragon gave me lots of tips and told me I am quite a good player and understand strategies. Well, I think divine was right to say I was anyhow playing as I didn’t really put a lot of effort in studying my mobile and avatar and pets. I can’t wait for exams to be over and I would really like to be really serious in my Gunbound Mobile game. At least if I am a better player, clan members won’t look down on me. It was pretty bad having someone from the clan asking me to step down since he is a better player (the annoying trios with the Australian flag especially the one who keep bragging he has the world’s greatest beetle).  I can’t imagine if I am being demoted as I spent so much of jewels prior to this as a donation to the clan. However if that happens, I will not be in shock and it just proves the wisdom of not forming attachments as it only brings pain. So yes, in the future I will not give my loyalty, my friendship, my jewels or whatever that is of value to anyone or any group anymore. As thrilled as I was to be invited to the WeChat group, I know the exchange there is just going to be meaningless in another timeframe in the future so I shouldn’t be too serious about it or take it to heart when I am being highlighted openly as being a lousy player. 


The spell have indeed been broken and I am enjoying this apathetic way of interacting with humans. Everyone is indeed replaceable. Well, maybe not everyone, there are exceptions and those exceptions are the ones we need to devote our time and energy on. 


The surgeons are listening to music again and I really like this song which I have heard before but did not know the title, it is called “until you”.  Really Love the lyrics and it does make me feel warm listening to this in the chilly operating theatre. Guess it is going to be a sleepless call. 

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