30 days till September ends and if I want to do an exact countdown to exams it is exactly 59 days. The past 30 days I have been a bad student as I still played a lot of games, in fact more than previous seasons. It was a tool to reduce stress but I think it is just an excuse. One of the member playfully said "why are you all luring her to play games? she have exams soon" and that made me felt really conscious about my exam. I noticed feeling defensive today when mom ask me how is my preparation. I preferred no one ask me as I am NEVER prepared for any of the exams I have sat through my life but I swear this shall be the last exam I will ever take because I just cannot do any more exams at this age. An exception is if they will change the format like a routine assessment that is more objective and useful.
Right now my butt hurts from so much sitting down and I think my back starts to ache too. I can feel the nerve roots in my spine crying for having sat on a chair for so long. My favorite past time now is to daydream, I dream of the day when all of this is behind me and I am on the airplane embarking on a solo journey to the beautiful mountains in Yunnan Province or sipping Tshing Tao from a plastic with a straw as if I am having take-away tea only that it is actually beer (They do sell it that way!). I actually feel like burning all my notes and books but since it causes pollution I decide to donate them the very moment I know I passed. In fact I am already slowly taking the books and notes to store them in the common room so that once I know I pass I want my husband to come and get me home IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I have told him multiple times that there should be no excuses and he must take me away from this place as soon as possible.
I am never coming back again, except for my friend's housewarming or wedding cause she is really a kind friend. Today I drove her in her car and I was quite worried as I don't usually drive other people's car but all was well. She actually handed me the keys and told me I can use the car and her airconditioned room while she is away, whenever I want to. Of course I am not going to use her car or her room but I appreciate the offer. Sigh, can I just pack my suitcase now and go home? can time be fast-forwarded to the day I declare I pass my exams? It is pure torture to live this way daily. Going through materials after materials and feeling more and more lost.
I knew I would feel this way and I did prepare and study earlier just that I seem to unable to recall some of the facts. I have to quote trials and landmark studies and remember figures and criterions. I think after passing primary I felt the exam was so traumatizing that I cannot recall most of the things I read for primary so I could predict on the day I pass I probably would forget all that I have read for finals. I think this unhealthy pattern have always been there as most of my superior say that at this moment our knowledge will be at its peak in our entire career. It should not be this way, it should not peak but to continue to rise steadily and not reach a plateau since it was supposed to be continuous.
If I see the trend, I need to ensure I am above average to make it. The only way to be above average is to continue reading, writing, memorizing and repeat. This stress is really not worth it at all and I read that stress causes collagen loss in the skin and no wonder I feel ugly. It is also at times like these that I need the aid of supernatural powers, the power that have always accompany me through all the difficult times and ensure my success in all that I do.
Supernatural powers, I summon you to be with me and to be my anchor and strength so that I could ace the exams with flying colors.
Comments