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Cortisol

 Sigh my body really can’t handle too much of cortisol and despite me trying not to gain weight, I have gained weight. At least my significant half is being frank and I could accept that he find me less appealing. Most important of all is that he still loves me. I have to keep reminding myself that men in general could separate intimacy and love. I somehow seems to categorise intimacy and love into one and that is why I felt a little worried that he didn’t want to be intimate. 

The weather’s been horrible since I arrived here and it was so rainy and windy. I thought I could go hiking or running to loose weight but instead the cold weather made me hungry and I feel like a bear wanting to eat and then hibernate. Staying at home is really nice as I get to sleep in the most optimum condition and I get to have a nice warm body to cuddle me. I still feel that the safest place in the entire world is to be in the arms of my Loved one. That was how I felt back in 2012 when I was so upset and he cuddled me to sleep and that feeling remains the same till this day. 

The freaking weather have cause us some loses as the wind destroyed some of the crops and there’s fallen trees. I know he is really stressed out himself but he is being resilient and optimistic. The rent for the farm plot is increasing too and next year it is going to increase even more. The owners of the farm plot are rather inconsiderate as they think that vegetables are expensive so we must be earning quite a lot but what they don’t understand is we sell our produce to wholesalers and it is at a very low price. Whatever is being sold at the supermarket is the end result after the vegetables are being passed on to a few buyers. I really don’t think it is sustainable to continue the farming business if rent is going to be expensive. 

I really hope I could take on a new skill that could help me have a second income, otherwise I am not sure how to support my partner if at the worst case scenario he could no longer continue his business. Hmm, I know I give unnecessary stress to myself which is going to release more cortisol but I really want to live a carefree life and it is only by being financially independent can a carefree life be attained. 

Where should I opt to work temporarily before I get a permanent placement? Coming home makes me feel like staying here forever and the idea of me being apart from him if I return to my hometown kinda makes me sad. It’s not going to be monthly visits and probably 3 monthly visits unless I don’t mind spending on transportations (actually I don’t mind if I could make more). Time is ticking and I won’t have so many decades to spend with my loved one. I really wish we could stay together. Somehow I feel he removes the excess cortisol in me.  





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