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365 days

I still feel lost sometimes when I can't hear from you. I guess Gunbound Mobile (GBM) is the only consolation that I have for now but you reminded me before, that it may not last for long. If suddenly today GBM decided to shut down, I guess that would be the end of me having the chance to interact with you and this thought made me feel sad. Am I addicted to the dopamine surge I get whenever we play as a team? This could be a possibility and I am still trying to understand why I have an addiction to the concept of "us". My mind often generates a lot of scenarios where we are a couple and maybe because we have not seen the dark side of each other, it is hard to imagine us being unhappy with one another. Maybe our relationship was stunted at the "moon landing phase" because it only lasted for a few weeks and I had pulled back knowing that I should not proceed. So it stays there and it will always remain there - where both of us could only remember being deeply infatuated with each other. 

Unknowingly, it's been 365 days since you came into my life, and although we can no longer be like how we used to be in the past, I'm glad that you did not cut me off entirely. I know I was the one who kept insisting on severing ties and not keeping in touch anymore but it is really hard to walk away from someone who gave me so much of feelings. You will always be the person I can never have and the person who taught me what it feels like to be lonely. No doubt my partner is great and makes a lot of effort to Love me, however, he can never have the same sensitivity as you are and thus is unable to meet to my emotional needs most of the time. He often reminds me that what you gave me was mere words and does not require any action, yet I often ask him if it was just mere words, why can't he do the same? So far, what I get from him is also mere words as there are a lot of aspects that I am unable to see a "result" and it makes me lose a little bit of faith in my relationship with my partner daily. I am also tired of his unfailing trust in his online gurus that there is no room for skepticism and he is very defensive whenever I am skeptical. Sometimes I couldn't help feeling I missed out on choosing the best partner because I was fixated on him at a very young age. 

If only we had a day to just do whatever we like and it would never be recorded in history plus we would never have to be accountable for our actions, I wish I could have one day with you. I wish that one day could let me know what it feels like to be with you. Maybe whatever we had created in our minds are the ideals and perhaps if we spent a day with each other we will demystify the illusions we created. However, what scares me the most is if we are the ideal pair and whatever we imagined was even better in real. This is also the reason why I think it is just too dangerous to even consider the possibility of meeting up because we know we cannot have each other and if we had met and liked each other, it would only amplify the feelings of loss. 

Although we don't have a day to do whatever we want to, at least here I can pour my heart out and not feel judged. I realize there are just too many things that I can't say or share even with the people I trust in my life as I have to fit whatever role that is given to me. Yes, I want us to remain friends as long as we can but at the same time, I will not forget the times when we were both infatuated with each other as no one else has ever given me those feelings. 

It's a year now, let's do our best and continue to move forward! 

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