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Feeling Beautiful

 It's been awhile since I felt beautiful. I think I have never felt beautiful at a personal level but the person who actually made me feel beautiful is Icy. I really hate to admit this because it shouldn't be this way. Also it is wrong to seek outer validation and I should be able to feel beautiful without the influence of any other human being. Perhaps it was the good command of English or the way he knows how to use his words, I still wonder if what he said was the truth, half-truths or lies. There is no point in pondering these, as it would be a waste of time. What was the past is in the past. I was just clearing my phone of my old photos and I think I did look beautiful the time I was still in good terms with Icy. I also felt he was the first person who made me feel seen physically. I know appearance depreciates with time, that is why I am thankful that at that particular point of time, someone actually appreciated my beauty and was able to convey to me that he thinks I look good. 

I have had problems with my weight ever since I finished my exams last year. It is scary how I gained a lot of weight, and despite doing so much exercise, I am unable to shed any kilos. I do feel sad about this and I feel ugly. Of course, my husband does mind my weight gain, and because I am quite sensitive, I do know he dislikes how I look right now. I do not blame him as I do not like the way I look right now too. I have not been eating breakfast for a few months now, and I have tried to limit my sugar and dessert intake. I just don't know what happened to my metabolism; it is like someone cast a fat spell on me. 

Am I sleep-deprived or stressed out? I do not think so, as there is nothing to stress about anymore ever since the incident in March, where a patient suffered a complication from neuraxial block and that got me sleepless for a month or so, and I guess I stressed my body a lot during that time. Am I happy right now with my life? I guess I am. I just feel things have been very mediocre and I failed to achieve some of my goals which made me felt rather small. I still feel the hit from being unable to complete the 60KM trail marathon and it made me feel rather old and worn out. I was looking forward so much to complete it and I did my best to train for it but I was under prepared, as I never train at terrains that mimic the trail run. 

The only thing that I am going to be achieving this month is my win rate in gunboundM have gone up. I do not think I am proud of it because let's be realistic, 90% of the time I play with excellent players who were able to carry me through the game. My goal is to be independent in the game and still maintain a decent win rate. I know that the only permanent thing in my life is me therefore I can only rely on myself. 

Now, look into the mirror, look carefully and learn to feel beautiful on my own. Good night. 

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