You really attract what you think and feel. I know there are many tracking systems available which result in certain videos or advertisements being suggested to me. However the things I encounter lately were not being deliberately recommended by my electronic device. Over the weekend I decided to watch a random movie on YouTube and no doubt it was a good one but somehow it contains certain themes that added salt to my wounds. I was upset that the actress accurately resembled the way I felt. The movie was called “the storyteller” and I would say the plot was good and it leaves certain pieces for the audience to draw their own deductions yet it is not the kind of movie that leaves you hanging. I just don’t want to end up like the lady in the movie who writes her conflicted feelings into her journal and lies to herself maintaining a flawless facade. People who don’t know her might think she have everything under control just because she carries herself well. Only her near and dear ones know her struggles. In the end I do not know if the passing of her husband was a fortunate or unfortunate event for her. It is also sad to know that her version of Love with her former husband had an expiry, a due date and it fizzled with time.
I am in Love with the idea that true Love would never die and it is everlasting. It doesn’t hide in cowardice when times are difficult and it is always there even when it is impossible. Whatever that doesn’t fit this definition isn’t true Love in my opinion. It just falls into a broad spectrum of “attraction” which probably would have “like” at one extreme end and “deeply in love” on the other end with “infatuation”, “fondness”, “lust” being dispersed in between. At least this is how I imagined it but in reality there’re no spectrums or definitions, there are just emotions and anything that harness our emotions is powerful and could either make you or break you.
Moving on to example number 2. While I was doing my shift in the theater, I listened to an Indonesian song and asked my staff for the title thinking it had a familiar note to it. Without double checking what was the song about, I found it online and forwarded it to my partner only to find that he did not like it and he thinks the meaning of the song wasn’t a positive one. I admit I wasn’t paying attention to what it was about and decided to listen to it word by word today (Asal kau bahagia by Armada). I felt like the universe pulled a prank on me and was dumbfounded that it was about a woman who cheated and her partner wishes her well with the person she cheated with if he is where her happiness belongs. It is just disappointing and disheartening that I am attracting these to remind me of my own mistake again and again. However was it a mistake? If it was why did I choose to do it again and again?
I know I am not doing what is needed in order to facilitate the process of moving on. I still hold on to my memories with him and sometimes wish we could just call each other and talk. I thought my prior experience and the current situation is similar but no it isn’t. My experience 12 years back where I was depressed was because I felt sorry for my poor judgement and it hurt because I invested my Love on a person who is not deserving. The situation I am facing now does not involve any negative feelings between us and it was more of the right person at the wrong moment scenario. I ask myself if I was not married would I have given the relationship a chance? Given the circumstance, I think I would because he know how to Love me in the way I want to be Loved. I sincerely still think he did Love me especially when I reread our conversations but then again was he telling me the truth or it is me desperately wanting to remember him as someone who loved me?
Was it true when he told me that I am truly and deeply love by him? Was it true when he said he have never been so accommodating to a woman before? I still couldn’t get a grasp of myself whenever I go through our memories because I really don’t know what to make out of it. Words carries a heavy weightage and imprints in one’s heart for a very long time. His words show that he comprehend my feelings but did he ever Love me? Even if he did, the last few days of our remaining conversations showed that when there is conflict, he is avoidant. A trait which does not compliment a sustainable relationship. Scrolling back made me realise that the distasteful American comedian was actually a catalyst to discover that we will never lasts as a couple without even trying. We completely fell apart after exchanging a few ugly truths regarding the relations between our countries. I recalled there was no “good night“ from him that day and I know whatever love there was from him had evaporated (yes I know it’s petty and trivial, but perhaps he did not know how much I treasure every good night message he sent).
Rewinding back a little earlier, I miss the times when we had discussions whenever our opinions differ and our exchange was full of affection and patience. It was really ideal and surreal to have such level of communication between 2 people who are in disagreement. I felt that we will never fight if we were able to discuss everything and work out solutions together with the right tone of voice, friendly nonverbal gestures and careful choice of words. Another moment I cherish is when we figure out math problem together. I think it was fun to have team work and experience the same activity together. Oh, and Gunbound Mobile too! Those perfect games and wins were endorphin generating moments and I have never had so much fun playing the same game over the years. Even if I made a few noob shots or we lost because of me, there were no pressure as we were just enjoying our time together and those were really good times. Thinking about the good memories just made me miss him and want to reach out to him but I know I can’t anymore For the good of everyone. Reviewing our interactions only prove there’s rarely bad times other than moments involving me being deeply guilty and conflicted for having an extramarital affair and the isolated conversation that sparked after the said comedian.
Sometimes I wish I can just allow myself to miss him even though I know it is forbidden. Yet, at the same time I don’t want to end up like the lyrics of the Indonesian song - “your body is in my possession but not your heart”. My husband should have all of me and not bits and pieces of me. I know my involvement was deep because I asked him once if it is a form of betrayal when I am with my husband, but he rationally told me it isn’t because my husband is my legal partner. During that phase, I felt like I always put him first and my husband second and never consider my husband’s feelings. I was often on my phone communicating and sending hearts to him and was emotionally absent for my husband. If I had switch roles and place myself in my husband’s shoes, I think I would be deeply hurt and perhaps would even consider leaving the relationship. I really took my partner for granted.
I wanted to play Gunbound Mobile with him again and somehow when he asked me I just froze. I really don’t know if playing together is a good idea as I was afraid it would invite suppressed emotions to resurface again. I also appreciate and did notice the subtle action he did with his telegram status on my Birthday. I just need more time and I need to believe he will be fine and have transitioned well because I don’t get to hear from him. The brief exchange of checking in if things are alright via the gaming platform doesn’t really reflect much. I also understand that if I do care and Love him, I should let him go because that is the best for him and for me. I just hope at the alignment of the stars he finds the ideal partner that is made for him. If we were fated to be acquaintances, maybe some day somewhere we would bump into each other.
On a side note, there will be 2 super moons this month and I could already sense its influence since the evening of 1st of August. I need to keep my emotions in check and calmly balance myself. The initial feeling was not pleasant and I felt extremely low for no reason but I had a long run and felt better after that. I will need to train hard to overcome my emotions and one of the gift that was inspired by him was “the art of thinking clearly” which I am trying my very best to apply on my daily living.
With this I will utilize August as a month of gratitude and growth. I will switch my energy and attract positivism into my life. I release the past and trust the universe to guide me in my journey. I will not go over things and second guess if it were real and will just accept it was real and it was beautiful while it lasted. I make Peace with myself, and I am a stronger person. Let us all attract the life that we want <3
Comments