“When two people decides to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one other, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to.” - Helen Rowland
People always say marriage is a lot of hard work and it isn’t easy yet many of us still decide to get married. I never knew how heavy the responsibility is to have a ring placed on my ring finger and how much it changes me as a person. I was afraid of getting married because I was afraid of the possibility of having a divorce. I often thought that as long as I do not get married, there will never be a possibility for a divorce. The reason I am afraid of divorce stems from my personal believes that a woman’s capability is measured by how well she can manage her household. Perhaps it is very traditional and old fashioned but I do think that there’s a reason why Mother Nature is called “mother” instead of “father” because women play a better role in nurturing, giving and caring. Women rely more on their emotions and intuition and we do care a great deal on how our Loved ones are feeling. If it is needed, most women do not seem to mind to put their needs and wants behind just to ensure their partner’s needs are being taken care first. Perhaps it is not true for all women but I dare say most women are such. At least in the society I live in I do observe many career women often let their better halves progress ahead before themselves and some entirely sacrifice their dreams in order to let their partner achieve their life goals. The best part of all these sacrifices is that none of them complains about it. It is done willingly and out of unconditional Love. As a career woman, I am not much of a homemaker nor have I ever need to make any “sacrifices”, but I am willing to learn and put in all the effort it needs to ensure I could provide a home filled with Love and warmth for my partner.
I am crystal clear on what my partner needs and want from me - he just want me to take good care of myself so that he could be at peace and focus on his career and development. I did try my best to be as independent as possible and learnt to be less needy with time. I think I was so independent that I could withstand not having him by my side for long periods without feeling lonely. I do miss him but due to the strong foundations he have set earlier, I felt I could be at peace and I know he will never do anything to hurt us or compromise our relationship. Come to think of it, I have never know the meaning of loneliness because he gave me the confidence of his Love and he also asked me to often keep track of my goals and dreams leaving me no time to feel lonely. It was a huge revelation when I found myself feeling lonely after I got married. I became more clingy and in need of attention and when I felt he did not spend adequate time with me, it made me felt like I am unimportant. I start to feel a lack of confidence in myself because I thought after marriage my partner would want me and need me more than ever but it didn’t felt that way. I know he often believe in the saying ”先成家后立业” which means to start a family first prior building a career. Even during our courting days, the moment he knew he was able to capture my heart, he told me that it is a wonderful thing as he do not need to waste more time or money in getting to know me better. I was very offended by that statement back then although I know he was being frank and there is some truth to it. I think when a man really wants to know a woman he would go all out to read her, to understand her likes and dislikes, to please her by his actions and very often actively buys her gifts. All these require time and money and that is why he passed that remark back then. I deduced that after we got married, he felt that I had the maturity to support him by taking good care of myself and not being an additional burden so that he could completely shift his entire focus to his career. Unfortunately, I had different ideas and wanted to feel “seen” more often than I usually did during our courtship. I still wonder am I a person who is hard to Love? If it is really difficult why did he marry me?
I wish we had encountered difficult situations when we were not legally bound. Recent events had put a strain to the relationship and I felt very pressured to a point where I suggested for a divorce. If a mistake I made seems to leave a horrible stain then I rather leave because I am the root cause for the pain he is feeling. I have never uttered words that would suggest separation because it is hurtful and should never be simply said but it seems like we no longer understand each other and time seems to reveal more and more things leaving us disappointed and hopeless. I often feel like an outsider even after being married to my partner. Certain information that I think I supposed to know prior being married was not conveyed to me and was only made available to me just because he had told another family member. Such vital information that directly affect my perception of the relationship was being kept away from me. Had I known earlier I would have delayed the union as I still believe a man needs to walk the talk and I despise empty promises. I feel my heart is being toyed and all these years of being transparent was being reciprocated with secrets. I also begun to understand why I need to be independent, it is because he is not dependable and I cannot rely on him even though we are married (I did ask him but he denied and said it is because he want to be able to progress with a clear mind having not to worry about me). I no longer understand why we got married and what is the purpose of marriage. Everything I used to know becomes invalid and I just feel dejected and exhausted.
He wants me to be independent yet took away my decision making ability. He wants the best for me but forces me to do the things I didn’t want to do such as completely blocking the person who came into my life and showed me how lonely a person I am. He lashes back at me when I tried to reason with him from my own perspective. Maybe I am too sensitive but it was one of the requirements in our relationship that we speak without emotions and to use a proper tone when conversing. I just felt like I can no longer talk when he speaks to me in a defensive manner, I just felt like running far away from him. He feels I am blaming him when he finally reveal the vital information that I mentioned earlier, when all I did was to clarify why did he made such poor choices. I felt like I no longer have a voice and ended being quiet because I really don’t know what are the right words to say. I think being quiet is worse because the death of all relationship is when there is no communication. I did not do it on purpose and I really tried but he is just so stubborn and I can’t do anything about it.
He told me that he still want to share a life with me and he do not think we need to get a divorce but right now I really don’t know how are we going to continue staying married with such communication breakdown. He was mad at the mention of divorce and thinks that I take our marriage lightly. I think the subtle gestures and “sacrifices” I made doesn’t seem apparent to him. I kept to my words no matter how much it hurts me to burn bridges with someone whom I cared a great deal for. I want to reach out sometimes to that person but I know I can’t. I just found out the person I care for is not doing well recently and I wish I could talk to him because with similar personalities I believe I am able to be the friend he needs. I can only pray things will get better and God sends other people into his life to help him get over whatever obstacles he is facing. I can’t be there for him anymore because I did ask for our relationship to be severed for eternity and I made a promise to my partner. (If you are reading, please speak to your mentor or someone you can trust. I’m sorry I cannot be in your life anymore even though it wasn’t my decision. If it is easier, just imagine that I no longer exist in the same dimension as you are in. Continue to strive hard to be S Grade okay)
I’m really emotionally exhausted and I will try my best to shift my focus on my career. This is the only thing that I can control right now. At least I wouldn’t feel so helpless. I have made arrangements to work everyday from tomorrow onwards. I promise to bring the best value to my clients and leave the rest to fate.
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