I just saw a quote a few days back - "You may lend yourself to others but never give yourself to anyone". I find it inspiring and it serve as a reminder that I should always look at my own needs first before deciding to do any acts of kindness. However I find it rather hard to reject anyone who has a valid reason and if I am aware that I am within the capacity to help, despite being at a slight disadvantage, I would still offer my help. I am still learning on how to assess the situation and do the right thing for the best of everyone, including me. I recalled back in university, the English proficiency exams was done in groups of 4 and we were being assigned randomly. I realize one of the member was not performing well so when the examiner asked us to wrap up, I gave her the chance of speaking even though I know I could do a better job. I'm not sure if it was the right move because it did pull the group marks down but at least it probably improved her score. I think I did alright and even if the group marks were pulled down slightly, I doubt it will affect my personal score as a whole. I remember narrating it to a mentor and my mentor did not agree on my actions as the group could have scored higher. Now this was many years ago, did it matter right now? Not at all. Therefore, in life I think we should just do what we feel at peace with.
The upcoming week end is a long weekend as it is National Day. My initial schedule was rather pleasant as I am assigned to be on call 2 days before the public holiday starts. Which means I will have a post call day, public holiday and weekends, that is like 3 and a half day of free holiday. I was making plans in my head on how I wanted to spend such a long weekend and part of the plans was to visit my partner and probably make mooncakes. I excitedly texted my partner to inform him of the long weekend and he told me that he might be free on one of the days I am free (I only read his text after my colleague called me so I felt its such a shame that the plans changed). This is a rather rare occasion as he works 365days a year except for labor day, Chinese new year and also during the Eid festival. I barely get to spend any time with him and every time I visit my time is spent following him to work. The routine is always the same, wake up around 7am get ready and be out of the house by 8am and by the time we get to go home its already 9pm. I often bring snacks with me to avoid getting hangry as even lunch hour is not fixed. Perhaps when I am working and putting my focus on work I rarely feel hunger but when I am on a resting mode I just feel so hungry and sleepy all the time. I could chose to stay at home and rest but that would defeat the purpose of visiting him.
Anyway, the universe intervenes again, the moment I texted him, I received a call from a colleague asking me to swap schedules due to valid reasons. The swap would mean that I will be left with 1 and a half day of holidays instead of 3 and a half days and to make the situation bleak I will be working in the area which I prefer the least among all work areas. My colleague is aware of my preference because he did mention "I am sorry I know you hate working there". Despite feeling slightly unwilling, my conscience told me that I should just agree and I did. After agreeing I checked my phone and saw my partner's messages and I felt slightly regretful of the decision. However after explaining to him that I spoke too early and now there are major changes to my schedule, he was understanding and told me that I did the right thing. I am glad he made me feel better with the decision I made, yes, validation from a dear one makes me feel better. To be truthful, since I rarely meet my partner and I am aware I am a lonely person, I try to visit whenever I can despite not liking the process of travelling. I thought he would be disappointed with the change of plans because I would if he were to tell me he is visiting and then suddenly say he is not visiting anymore. It reminds me of the cruel April fool's prank he pulled on me years ago where he told me to open the gates as he is coming over. I really believed him but he never arrive and my dad told me it is April's fool. That feeling of disappointment lingered for so long that recalling that memory itself makes me remember how it felt.
Am I mature enough to be understanding if a proper explanation is given to me when some of our plans doesn't materialize? I think I can be understanding but I need to have a stipulated time frame to process my disappointment. During my last visit, he broke some news to me which upsets me greatly and I was thinking that my marriage was a lie. I felt so angry and disappointed that I couldn't find any strength in me to be compassionate and I start to ask him a lot of "Whys" which he perceived as me blaming him. It was an ugly goodbye and I am anxious to meet up as soon as possible to at least rectify the tearful goodbye. One of the question I asked was "why did you marry me?" and he told me something which I never thought would be a reason. During the pandemic he realize how fragile human life is and me being a frontliner places me at a zone of higher risk. He wanted to marry me as he think it is the right time and it would be a formal way of acknowledging me as his life partner and he could proudly take me every where without being questioned (He is traditional at heart and because of this has strong principles). I felt quite touched by his answer but when he asked me back, my answer was just very short - "Because I Love You". Is love itself enough? I think it all depends on how one defines love. Most of us say we love but our actions does not say so. He told me that despite saying I love him, my actions contradicts.
I agree that I have done a lot of things that have hurt him in the past but I did not have the intention to hurt him. Hearing myself say that I have no intention to hurt him makes me cringe because it only shows that my love was very superficial and I was not a kind person to him. I am able to be kind to others, to people who are strangers, to people who never mattered yet I hurt the person who is most important to me and was not willing to make "sacrifices". Actually he have never needed me to make sacrifices all he wanted was for me to be self sustaining and take good care of myself. My reaction towards what he told me only strengthen the reason of why he kept it away from me - it is because I couldn't face the truth with a pinch of salt and was greatly affected. After re-evaluating the situation, I found that despite the unfavorable situation, it did not change the way he treat me and I should have been supportive instead of being judgmental and played victim. I did not make the situation better for both of us and in the event something happens to either of us, it would be a life long regret as the last we part it felt like resentment occupied a major space in our hearts. Sometimes I do wonder is it common to face so many obstacles during the first few months of marriage despite knowing a person for more than a decade.
He told me everything happens for a good reason and I guess this swapping of schedule made me reflect on my behaviors' towards my partner and I mature a little bit more in my relationship. Indeed 0.1% of improvement and growth daily is the best nourishment for a long term relationship. In order for him to be transparent, I need to learn how to handle negative news and build on my emotional quotient. There are still many more challenges in the future and I must learn to be more resilient and gritty. The same applies for my upcoming on call, take it as a form of training and remember to keep bringing value to others and do my very best!
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