Guilt

Stepping back and seeing things from the bird’s eye view only amplified my feelings of guilt and shame. I acknowledge that it was more of a lust driven relationship between a married woman and a man. How could I have confused it with Love? I would prefer to believe that it was purely Love but thinking back on certain actions and words I couldn’t help feeling degraded. I thought all that happened was a form of affection and it was an honour to have my physical form appreciated in such manner. I felt precious with the given attention and felt my presence was significant. However the more I probe my heart for explanations and answers, the more I realise I was insecure and insecurities was the root cause to a series of heartache. 

I wish someone could give me answers but my best friend told me to stop looking for one and to move on with life. I did, I tried to be highly functional just like how I was during 3rd year medical school despite being extremely depressed. I always thought that would be the darkest moment in my life and promised myself never to fall for romantic gestures ever again. Perhaps life have been peaceful and after the rotation of 12 zodiacs, I seemed to forget that lesson. In this current experience, I failed terribly in guarding my heart resulting in a decay in my principles and moral values. Regardless everything happened online and there were no direct physical contact, I find the mental and emotional damages were sufficient to kick me back to rock bottom. Everyday despite being occupied with work and studies, I would be tortured with a mental dialogue within me, replaying all that have taken place leaving me shattered. 

Although I came clean with my partner, I could not find the ability to forgive myself. I’m not sure how long it will take to feel light hearted again. I betrayed my partner, I brought disgrace to myself and dishonour my parents who brought me up with proper values. As a professional, my behaviour is unacceptable in the eye of the society and I am remorseful of all that I have done. I do believe we should do the things that brings us happiness and enjoyment but it should always be within the perimeters of morality. I know loving isn’t wrong but instead of loving him as a friend, I loved him in a romantic manner which resulted in infidelity and adultery. It doesn’t matter at all if I wanted to justify my actions, because I couldn’t. It is what it is and it was wrong. 

My subconscious did know it was wrong or I wouldn’t have attempted to cut connections on multiple occasions. I admit I succumbed to my own desires and let myself “go” completely without any inhibition thinking that I have things under control and I only live once. It was reckless, it was dangerous and most of all it was self-harm. I personally felt it was hard to burn bridges because for the first time in such a long time, I found someone who I believed could have been a great friend. Someone who could understand some of my emotions and relate to it. Someone who made me felt cared for and loved. I was very fond of our friendship but I don’t understand if it was my loyalty that was initially a quality that he admired, why did he put me to test? Why? Again there will never be an answer. The only explanation I could comfort myself with is that he only liked me he did not love me. Just like the quote by Buddha which goes “if you like a flower you just pluck it, but when you Love a flower, you water it daily”. 

He taught me a great lesson which I will remember for the rest of my life - guard my heart properly, do not trust anyone. I have made a few rules for myself after this experience: 

1. under no circumstances shall I make new online friends or keep in touch with anyone whom I encounter online - no giving out phone number/ details about me 
2. Form barriers with the opposite sex. Yes I know I have a lot of male friends but things have change as I am now married and part of me belongs to my partner. Practicing barriers with the opposite sex is a baseline form of respect. 
3. Protect my partner at all times. Always communicate with him if I am dissatisfied or unhappy instead of telling a 3rd party about my feelings thus placing me in a vulnerable spot and tarnishing my partner’s image. 

I think the rules I made for myself should be able to help me protect myself and at the same time improve my relationship with my partner. I hope that no one needs to go through the complexity of having a mental, emotional or physical affair. The aftermath of such affair will leave permanent scars in your heart and you have to constantly deal with regaining trust that you have spent years building on, only to crumble down because of one impactful action. One of the many things that I concur was that he told me he was an “all or none” person and if he was in a relationship it would be exclusive. Likewise, I am similar too, I want an exclusive relationship. 

I stumbled upon a Tik-Tok with the following title  “5 things I learned in my 30s” by pey.pey.33 

1. You can mute people in real life. It is called boundaries
2. People come and go. That’s life and ok. 
3. No response, is a response. If they wanted, they would. 
4. You are creating problem in your head again. Stop that. 
5. Happiness comes in waves. It will find you again. 

It does make me feel better to read the points above. I am just finding it hard to let go and sometimes I still hear his voice in my mind. 

I am deeply sorry for reciprocating his love. I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to waste anyone’s time and I never meant to say goodbye. If only I was strong enough to leave the first time and never look back, at least the memories would remained as just two people being infatuated with each other at the wrong time yet maintaining boundaries in the name of principles. I guess I will just have to give it some time and have faith that I could live my life like how it used to be, before Icy-Pika existed. One day when I am fully awake, it will all be a vivid dream. For now I can just focus on living my life with dignity and continue to do things right.